What I do instead of Wise Mind

• ONLY LOOKING FOR PROBLEMS
• Ignoring: the feelings & thoughts I have about what just happened
• Escaping: 
• Checking-out into unrelated fantasies, video, games
• not really listening to the discussion
• Indulging in my emotions:
• fears: not having the answer; asking the "tough question" amping up the stakes
• being euphoric
• angry / venting
• depression 
• resentments
• Overriding: my feelings, instincts 
• Trying to be clever or brilliant
• Getting really excited about an ideal, made-up future ("ok, NOW everything will be fine")
• Projecting / coping (i.e. "I just have to put up with some sort of worst-case scenario")
• Mental masturbation, circling around and around the event / issue
• Repeating stories / revisiting the past
• over-working myself when I'm tired; not planning for my down time / fun time
• "forcing" myself to do something w/o know how
• Amping up the stakes
• More than just being too hard on myself, I am actually MEAN to myself. i.e. "I am a loser; I hope no one finds out.
• Beating myself up for "failing" against often very unrealistic expectations
• Catastrophizing  - connecting dots that dont exist to create an overwhelmingly negative picture
• Slipping into little boy mode
• "I'm going to get punished"
• we can't do that (why? I dont know )
• Manipulating others
• Trying to change others (i.e. complaining, "coaching")
• Blaming / Venting
• Mental masturbation, circling around and around the event / issue
• Repeating stories / revisiting the past
• Role-playing; trying to be who I think "they" want me to be vs being my authentic self
• arrogance, intimidation
• Trying to coach, mentor or otherwise fix them, vs. being more honest and accepting

Doing any of the above takes me away from reality and creates issues, which I then often compound by adding one or more behaviors to cope with. It snowballs.

I think that's how I get fired and rejected by ppl. For example, they see me indulging in fear, then amping up the stakes with talk of how much could / will go wrong. When they try to intercede or be helpful, or simply wait for my mood to pass, they're greeted with me ignoring what just happened and escaping into some overly-positive, silly / euphoric mood. 

Now What

Looks like, of all the BPD, ADHD, NPD symptoms, codependency is an issue? I just read the book, Codependency No More and I can see where if I just didn't need my hand held so much, I would be so much further along.

I feel like I have been trained to be a servant to a master that had a lot of harsh attributes.  It's like I'm institutionalized and just haven't been able to transition into normal adulthood.

Unfortunately, a big part of my ongoing narrative is ... "isn't that YOUR job?!"I think that's why I gravitate toward relationships where I feel a bit superior.  I also think it's why I have wanted to have an "immersive brand experience" with employers; why just the slightest retort is disabling; why I found femdom appealing. It's probably why I have tried to manipulate and control others in passive/aggressive fashion, and why I found executing without a recipe so tough.

Further complicating things is that more than one therapist has said that I might have PTSD; that my childhood was like a war zone of unpredictable threats.

My moods and my interpretations of my situations wildly swing from one extreme to the next. Either I am wonderful or a no-good piece of trash. I really suffer when I face set of unknowns about something significant (i.e. my job, my marriage, etc.).  I need someone to tell me that I'm ok  - or going to be - and when that doesn't happen, I fall apart. I am convinced  - probably due in major part to a lot of negative self-talk and seemingly never-ending exploration of my problems - that disasters, traps, depression are right around the corner. I think that I am in my core, a fundamentally flawed person.

It's like it's only a matter of time until I experience my doom.

My therapist reminds me that validation should come primarily from within. He also wishes that I would speak up for myself more. I hit a roadblock or sense a negative perception about me and I tell myself that I just have to accept it, vs. raising it as a topic of discussion with the appropriate person or people.

I need to make a conscious decision to radically change my life strategy from hiding and beating myself up to prioritize critical thinking, positive self-talk and assertiveness. That's how ,my real vision and problem/solving and critical thinking skills can develop.  I especially need to prioritize treating myself well and keeping a positive mood and for the moment, I'm willing to get there any old way I can.

Do I Love My Wife?

Through the years I have often speculated to myself about whether or not I actually loved my wife. Others have done this too, but my speculation showed itself in angry remarks and hostile actions. I turned silence into a weapon that clouded the minds of all who were in my presence and forced themselves to pose their own line of speculation - about my level of mental wellness.

My speculation has taken the equivalent of years. Hours and hours and hours in the car, muttering to myself on voice recordings I thought were useful and noteworthy somehow, but never listened to. I spent hours and hours more escaping into movies and porn and my own imagination and useless conversations with people who were just being polite. These people never picked up on the invitation to continue those conversations. Moreover, was an additional mountain of hours woven throughout the days and nights, for weeks and weeks on end. These hours were devoted to the heavy yoke of depression that prevented me from being professional, social and in all other ways productive. All these hours were somehow necessary, however, to detangle the muddled mess of the poor logic I've adopted through the years. Like lines and lines of software code contradicting one another and in total were designed to do the opposite of fulfill one's mission: to live life.

So that is why I say that I have spent the equivalent of years in speculation. And, after all that time, I have the answer.

Of course I love my wife. I love her not for what she does or how she acts or what she says, but who she is. I love her because she is the living embodiment of all that is beautiful. And, like anything that is beautiful to us humans, she is full of flaws and mistakes and pain. She is also full of tenderness that presents its own paradox, because it has required such strength and perseverance to maintain. She is full of sunrises and what's next and what could or will be. She is full of vulnerability, reminding anyone who's near that she is approachable, that she will listen, that she cares. She is full of smiles, not because she is only and always happy, but because she seems to bring that out in others. I've seen that again and again.

She may never like me or love me again, but I now know that I love her. I know it like waking from a fever. I know it like I know my name.

I also know that writing these words has value only to me, for they are only words in the minds of others. They do not undo the vivid images of my anger, or the awful feelings that I've triggered in others. Perhaps now, after all these hours and hours, I can be freer to demonstrate the compassionate and thoughtful regard for my wife that I promised her on our wedding day.

My sincere hope is that years and years from now, the impact of this seemingly ages-long fever will be lost to much better times defined by true love.

Feeling Important & Significant / Aha! (Part 3,743)

I continue to reflect on the narcism points in my last post, and in particular the following:

• "Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love"

It's now very clear that I need to feel important at whatever I'm doing in order to engage. AND I have to do it in my own way.  This needing to feel important is a pattern that I can see all over my life:

• Hitting goals: 
• daunting; seen as a litmus test of what a failure or super-hero I am - but most likely the failure
• Ivory Tower, "hiding" behavior vs. involving others, transparency:
• Risks exposing me to doing things in a way other than what I want to do and/or in way I want to do it
• Risks popping the bubble of denial that I may not be all that I say I am
• Explains why I so often have heard (e.g. "this isn't what I asked you to do; this isn't what I asked for; I'm confused, I thought you/we were going to ...")
• Pretending that I am prioritizing my wife (& past romantic relationships): 
• Really just about prioritizing my needs and feelings over her feelings & needs - as well as any kind of collaboration from the perspective of the whole. 
• My need to feel significant overrides my responsibility to be real and set a good example.
• Sales prospecting:
• Presents nearly 100% likelihood that I will be treated the OPPOSITE of significant, therefore quickly becoming discouraged and even depressed.
• Feels "beneath me"
• Budgets: 
• Either I'm so significant and money will just come to me or I will be confronted with scary truths of mis-management will reveal what a failure I am
• Parking tix: 
• Racked up literally thousands of dollars in fines and fees during my 20's, due to me not willing to acknowledge rules & consequences
• Friendships:
• Similar to other relationships; I tend to prioritize my needs to feel validated that I am a good person (i.e. "see, look at all the friends I have), vs. a more discerning, honest and mutual approach. Fearful of not being seen in a good light and therefore feeling like a failure. 
• I tend to gravitate toward "mentorship" type behavior, which while appreciated at times, also a) makes it about me and my superiority and b) probably explains why a lot of my proteges haven't continued to rely on me for advice.
• I often get "offended" when I'm not thanked for 'extra efforts' like making dinner / cleaning.. essentially every little thing I do.
• Fantasies:
• All about me being adored and the hero. For literally decades, I engaged in fantasy behavior at every possible private moment (e.g. whenever I was alone at home, while in the bathroom, when alone at the office, in the car, in the shower... literally every possible private moment)
• I confused fantasies with "ambition" and/or "visualizing my success," thus denying reality. Anything less than becoming what I was fantasizing about, meant feeling like a terrible failure, which is very ironic.
• Once it became clear that engaging in fantasies had zero merit, I have cut this activity way down, but that has its pros & cons given my unhealthy need to feel important.  (Altho I'm proud that I didn't try to make my fantasies real, i.e. hiring prostitutes, etc.)
• Wise Mind:
• Requires me to potentially explore some intense, negative feelings of worthlessness, therefore puncturing my bubble of needing to feel significant and  important. 
• Also this is THE issue that explains all my knee-jerk behavior and poor assumptions when I was managing my failed agency. 
• Working out / eating well:
• Makes sense to me now why I only work out when I'm in a good mood and feeling motivated. I get to indulge in and celebrate my "strong" self image vs. having to feel weak, tired, over-weight, old and unattractive.
• Therapy, my personal development:
• Much of what I've talked about with others in the past (until it became abundantly clear that NO ONE CARED, lol) was all about how much progress I've made in my life, given my "poor me" background story. A friend once told me, 'you have like 20 epiphanies about yourself every day.' 
• Using up a lot of time in therapy to "set context" - explaining all my activities, theories and / or reflections on those. What I am actually doing, I think, is recounting how significant this all feels to me, vs. collaborating in a more balanced, proactive and objectives driven way 
• Being a "a provider" to family and business:
• Can't provide for THEM if I'm so continually consumed with MYSELF
• being consumed in this way is very draining, emotionally. I require a lot of extra energy to do whatever project or task I am loath to face WHILE ALSO dening my feelings and boosting up a false sense of self-importance 

Observations on The Assignment

Part of the reason doing the list of positive attributes is so tough, is that all I can think of, is the counter list:

1. I'm emotionally needy
2. I'm bad at managing money
3. limited professional skills / trajectory / income
4. poor follow-through
5. overly ambitious; unrealistic goal-setting
6. fragile self-esteem
7. strong victim narrative - "I'm being set up to fail" these things are happening to me. 
8. chronically negative self-talk and beliefs around many many of the activities in my life (i.e. losing sunglasses makes me an "idiot." I may say these things in a playful way, but combined with all the serious and even angry versions of this self-talk, it's like I am mostly negative 100% of the time. 

I look at this counter list as a list of harsh "indictments" that prove I am a bad person, vs a more objective and fluid assessment

I am very sensitive to the pain of those negative thoughts actually happening - as well as the fear that it MAY happen. Thus, I think my particular "fear of the unknown" really just has a lot to do with fearing when and how I'll be "indicted."  Is that everyone's fear of the unknown?  I wonder.

And being indicted means that I am a failure and all is lost. I often feel like I am set up to fail, betrayed or doomed. 

When I started DBT therapy, I was grappling with a rotating set of big issues relating to three overlapping diagnoses:
- ADHD
- BPD
- Narcissistic personality Disorder

Today, I feel like I've made lots of progress with ADHD thru self-awareness, therapy and Adderall, (God bless Adderall!). As for BPD, I still have a few symptoms, but maybe only 2-3, and only at minimum to moderate levels. 

Maybe all this negative self talk has to do with Narcissism, to wit:

1. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Self-rating: 1-2 (of 10)
2. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Self-rating: 2-3
3. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Self-rating: 2-3 / I think this would be worse if I were in a larger work environment and was paid more.
4. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Self-rating: 5-6 / Used to be a lot worse at this, but I sort of miss those days when I could manipulate people with my "poor me" stories, without any guilt/ awareness around what I was actually doing. To be really honest, if I could get away with it, I might consciously engage in this behavior and just gloss it over with some b.s. rationalization.
5. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
• Self-rating: 6-7 / These feelings don't typically last, but they are immediate when learning of other's accomplishments - or when I have accomplished more. 
6. Requires excessive admiration
• Self-rating: 0-1  / "Admiration" isn't the word I'd use, but "constant encouragement" is probably more accurate. 
7. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
• Self-rating: 8-9  / Often and while minimally towards others, especially myself
8. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Self-rating: 0-1  /  I would say the reverse is true, but maybe what I am really saying to myself at times, is that I I am especially unfortunate vs something more balanced?
9. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Self-rating: 7-8  /  I do think that I may have been confusing "fantasies" with "ambition"  for success, power, income. I think the way I engaged with the likes of Tony Robbins, "The Secret", Think and Grow Rich and a lot of other self-help activities have greatly fed into this confusion. (I think my real ambition is to just be happy and to treat others well. )  As for love, I often fell for the knight in shining armor scenario, wherein I could translate all my pain  - and associated self-help mumbo jumbo - into "lessons" and "mentorship" for the lovely damsel in distress I was courting. 

Some of the above really stand out as not only being problem areas for me, perhaps explaining why:

• I fold like a house of cards when faced with the unknown - or unknowns around how I can be successful. 
• I resent others for their successes as it makes me feel like a failure - ESPECIALLY when it appears that there is no obvious reason I couldn't have those same successes. (i.e. why does that guy, with less education than me, get to have a nicer job / happier wife / nicer house)
• Porn has had a hold on me for so long. (i.e. "ideal love")
• How long I was (am?) addicted to Hyper-fantasies, wherein I am the sole hero of my own melodrama
• I look at friendships as (oh God, am I going to say this out loud??) a kind of trophy or accomplishment - they are "proof" that I am not a bad person. SMH

Based on what I've read, it seems like coping with and treating narcism is going to be like climbing a mountain.  HOWEVER, I do not feel as though I want to defend my narcissistic traits. I feel like I have gotten this collection of issues as a result of a child's ignorance around how to succeed in life. That matured into accomplishing some things for myself in my 20s and, because I saw and thought my approaches were working, I doubled-down on them, despite diminishing returns and eventual fallout and loss of options. 

Oddly, I wonder if I pretend to be a narcissist (which really does sound like bullshit), but the point is that I was only preoccupied with fantasies as a coping mechanism. I don't really believe that I am destined for greatness anymore. Greatness may come, but not via destiny. 

All in all, I need to feel important about something - anything, and when I don't, I cave. Again, smh. 

I am intimately aware of the many many painful issues presented by this behavior and I want it to end! 

The Assignment

I was asked to come up with a list of positive attributes that I find meaningful.

Despite my mood as of late, I did come up with a few:

1. Capacity to be sweet / thoughtful
2. sense of humor
3. life of the party; making people feel happy
4. active listening
5. story-telling
6. I can establish instant report
7. solid copywriter; good vocabulary
8. decent cook
9. helpful at mentoring
10. good imagination / visualization; I can see the big picture
11. solid critical thinking, research & planning skills
12. Can identify trends and make reasonable predictions
13. I can be compassionate
14. I am making progress around my follow-thru, being proactive & time-management skills
15. I have solid marketing and sales skills
16. I'm often outwardly positive and helpful toward others while also grappling with depression and negative thoughts
17. I remain curious and a continual learner
18. I am able to internalize what I've learned and apply it to improve things
19. I am becoming more reliable, helpful and supportive to my family; prioritizing this more
20. Generous with my time
21. Gracious host
22. more transparent and values-driven than ever
23. strong work ethic
24. spiritual 
25. quick-witted
26. I'm a good dresser
27. reasonably healthy
28. often demonstrate that I have others' best interests in mind
29. I occasionally volunteer and donate money to worthwhile causes
30. I get along with small kids & pets
31. Resourceful
32. I have resumed talking with my folks frequently
33. Determined
34. Flexible
35. Ability to be decisive
36. Energetic
37. Tech-savvy
38. Risk-taker / adventurous 
39. Innovative & entrepreneurial
40. Conversational on a wide range of topics
41. Own up to my mistakes 
42. I often give credit where it is due 
43. I say "I love you" to family and express gratitude to my friends for their friendship
44. I often take a systems approach to complex challenges vs just treating it as work or a task to get done
45. Pretty self-aware
46. Managing ADHD symptoms better than ever during "non-medicated" times
47. Not afraid to ask for help 
48. Takes initiative
49. Likes a big challenge
50. Thought-provoking in conversations

Charlie, Take II

The meeting started off in a less than ideal way. What I wanted to do, was get right to the point about recognizing that I have a fragile self-esteem and start getting his help with that.

We got there, but first I started the meeting by saying how my wife and I were doing - that naturally invited questions and discussion and then we moved onto discussing how things were at work. I brought him up to speed as best as I could. Overall he did his usually great job of disrupting my unproductive thinking.

Some noteworthy highlights:

• I'd done some good work, managing emotions, catching thinking errors, etc
• Regarding my wife: "how do we juice up the wise mind activity" - date nights, for now.
• In both work and home: I shouldn't want someone in my life to make me feel better. (either for joy / happiness and / or its their responsibility to make me feel better)
• At work: "It doesn't seem like you feel you're part of a team anymore" - very true, and a great reminder of why I took this job. There are plenty of expectations that are no longer true. (on both sides?)
• I thought I was going to have a back-hoe, then I had a shovel, now I have 
• How do I learn to stand up / speak up for myself more? I am like a house of cards. 
• Charlie thinks I coast when I get positive feedback 
• (may explain why part of the meeting he seemed to be pressing on me with loaded comments/ questions and suggesting to stay the course)
• worth exploring this more - why is that?
• Am I doing the best that I can? (not now / not really)
• How can I thrive and not be a part of a team - or worse, be derided by the "team"? (this is a common question / complaint I have)
• Procrastination is my worst trait
• I need to be putting things on the table for others to help me with. 

In general, what I think is my main problem, is that have a big problem dealing with THE FEELINGS that come up when I want to be assertive / have a "prompt" to be assertive. I rule out options while I also double-down on needed to succeed in spite of diminishing circumstances. Sometimes, I actually even raise the definition of success. So, I cave. For example:

• Prospecting - I am often timid at events; taking the safer route to be in conversation mode vs. networking mode. I walk out exhausted, but ever more worried about how I'll succeed.
• The RKG interview - I felt that the interview wasn't an authentic test situation. I was so desperate to get out of my current job that I agreed to everything that was being discussed. When the interview started, I was too nervous and too preoccupied with how bizarre the interview was, vs feeling empowered and having a sense that I could win. (or, saying something to the effect of ("this doesn't work for me")
• My current situation - I feel "stuck" I am taking more and more on my shoulders and I have little confidence of my success. I am not even sure what success looks like at this point. I have sunk into a deep funk / depression and am feeling like there's no way out. I have lost my way and I am not living my values. I am not being more assertive with the team and taking on the total welfare of the business as my 100% responsibility. There are a lot of vagaries and inconsistent communications, which leaves me in fear of my income as well as how I could potentially hurt the business. I feel "scared" to speak with my boss b/c I am afraid that she'll be angry with me and/or fire me on the spot. I just feel so overwhelmed. I just have no idea how to succeed without sacrificing too much for too questionable an outcome. There's going to be a miss and I don't know what to do. When people don't follow through, I get discouraged and give up on them. 
• My past situation - When I was treated poorly, I withdrew and hid behind others' incompetence. I let their bad behavior be my excuse - worse, I let it "prove" to me that I was incompetent and DESERVED to be treated that way. When I tried to rely on my wife for help and support, she withdrew also. I got lost in fantasy, porn, depression, lashing out, etc. Like the above, I felt so very overwhelmed. 

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I shut down and get in the fetal position.

He asked me to come up with a list of positive attributes that really believe are meaningful, such as "I continue to persevere in spite of the fact that I feel so embattled and depressed."

We can start to see each other at the usual time. 

He closed with saying that "I'm going to be pushing you." I said that at the core of it, I am not standing up for myself enough. He said good. We'll get there. 

Reflecting on the above, I get the sense that one or more of the following may be true:

• he thinks i'm too lazy and self-entitled. 
• he thinks that "pushing me more" is going to bring out a better and more real scenario, in which to treat me
• he thinks that I'm not making enough progress
• He thinks that I'm not committed enough?  (although, he has said that I'm a hard worker)
• He thinks I'm too verbose; too in my own head and therefore get in my own way in life and in therapy
• He wants me to be more self-directed. He wants me to lead more. 
• I am not a very good patient (?) that I continue to repeat lessons I've already learned
• Charlie notices what he feels and speaks up right away about that. He uses phrases like " I couldn't help but notice; I just need to clarify something."

Notes on My Self

As I think about my past, I see a different pattern than I have before. It's like I've been distracted the entire time from knowing myself and appreciating myself.  I just never had whatever I needed as a kid to be "me."

My Personas
Very early on, I learned to subjugate myself and my identity. I learned to follow the rules, no matter how impulsive or unfair or just plain wrong. I followed. Things got very difficult as I got older and by the time I was 13, I wrote in a journal that I was "a no good piece of garbage that just needs to be thrown away."

By the time I was 16, I chose to create a more comedian version of myself, but I held back for many months before letting that out. When I did, I became the life of the party.

As I grew into my 20's I didn't know who I was and where to go with my identity beyond that comedian persona.  The idea of "hey, I'm just going to just let these guys accept me for who I am" never ever occurred to me.

Thinking Errors
All through my life, I've felt like if I failed at something, it was a sign. More than a sign, it was proof, actually, that I am a loser and ultimately, "a no good piece of garbage that just needs to be thrown away." Any kind of "fail" at trying to reach any kind of goal, large or small, is an indictment that I am a waste of matter.

I can't even bring myself to think of a different approach to hitting that same goal. I can't bring myself to reconsider the goal or learn from my prior approach. I am just paralyzed. I find reasons to stay in bed. I procrastinate and whatever the outcome, I deal with it as my rightful punishment as a wasted human being. All I want to do, is sleep all the time. I cannot do the 'opposite action'.

Moreover, it simply does not make any sense to me that anyone would appreciate me. I dont understand why people have a lot of faith in me at times b/c I feel like they are investing in a failure.

This line of thinking clouds every tiny thing I do.

Drowning again

For the second time in as many weeks, I am focusing on some very, very negative thoughts. I just would love it to all be over. Getting some kind of Stage 4 diagnosis, for example, that would fit the bill.

Why is it that I always have to be on the winning team? Why is it that when I hit a little speed bump, I lose all hope?

I think it's really all about self esteem and I dont think there's a self-help solution that is going to get me through this roller coaster.

In part, I feel like I am all by myself. I spend a lot of time alone and I dont have many people to share my feelings/ thoughts with. It's like the weight of what I need to accomplish is primarily a reminder of the idea that "I am a no good piece of garbage that needs to be thrown away."

I have indeed made progress in many ways. I am not so bad as to be back at square 1. But the central point is that I am not convinced I understand who I really am and that I can appreciate the value of that, in its own context.

Of Course She WANTED Me

What if, where I am now, is where my wife has been all along.

I think in the beginning, she wanted to be with the happy guy who seemed to have his life together. The guy who:

1. helped her overcome a relationship in which she felt stuck
2. overcame a super painful divorce
3. is sweet, funny, engaging, empathetic
4. is "mr charisma" and novel in social situations
5. hit the "reset button" on a career in a dying industry and in 2.5 years, was an account manager at a small agency, doing somewhat cutting edge work.
6. helped her express herself and go places, emotionally, that she'd never been before
7. makes decent money and is on track to do great
8. has negatives that all can be explained by his divorce and career change - one-time events.

In retrospect, of course she wanted to be with me. In 10 yrs, this guy would be the provider of a happy healthy and fun life. 

She wasn't looking at me to MAKE her happy or provide her identity or be the key to her identity for her. She was looking for some company in life's journey. She's not trying to be someone different AND she's not all that interested in delving into things that are confusing, complex, scary or negative.

In the early years of our marriage, there were signs how much work I would be, which she could somewhat dismiss. Then somewhere around 05, it probably became pretty clear that while I was all the positives mentioned above, I also am this super-stressy, depressive, self-focused, passive/ aggressive and mostly totally pre-occupied. 

Through the years, I show myself to be resilient but increasingly negative about life and negative and angry about her. And as my career bumps continue - I also become heavily dependent on her to fill me up and make me feel better about myself. 

So, I think she is basically saying by '07 that she's done trying to figure out the intensely confusing mess that often results in her getting attacked. 

Flash forward to today, she's kind of numb and mostly still on guard and basically, life is difficult  enough without having to deal with someone who has BPD, ADHD and all the negatives (overwork, depression, anger). I think she's like you stay in your room, I"ll stay in mine and you think you're all better but, you're not, really.  She has still loved me, extending me kindnesses and so forth, which is amazing and I am grateful for that. 

So, if I continue to improve, maybe in like 5 or 10 years, she'll recognize that things are actually different and maybe she'll say "hey, you're actually a good guy."  If not, she'll know what to do. She's been doing it for over 10 years. 

Facing Facts - Gratitude

I also have to express my deep appreciation for finally embracing the fact that neither fantasy (in any form), friends, my marriage, my work colleagues can fill up my sense of self worth. I was convinced that my wife was indeed responsible for giving me that sense of value and so I was angry and lashed out and resentful and all the rest.  I was expecting some kind of quid pro quo.

I used to essentially "claw back" my sense of self and self worth by heavily focusing on winning certain battles or filling my head with a long-irrelevant narrative of how attractive I am. So, whenever my bubble would burst, it would be super painful - and it would always be someone else's fault: my boss, my wife, the economy, that jerk in the car next to me, etc. etc.

It finally lands with me, the idea that I am the only one that can make me happy. Letting go of needing to have a one-side codependent view of things is not that hard, because I have so thoroughly experienced failure in doing so.

My view of things with my wife, for example, was indeed very one-sided. I think about how hard I was on her for not taking in my feedback  - while at the same time, I wouldn't adopt hers. For example:

• ignoring her when she says she's uncomfortable with my driving (i.e. too aggressively, not using my signal, drifting into another lane, etc)
• dismissing it when she gets annoyed when I dont follow through on what I've promised
• being unclear when I'll be late
• not listening / remembering her comments 
• not communicating my feelings in a safe, non-threatening way
• waking her when she needs to sleep
• interrupting her

So, here I am, thinking that I've got all the answers and she's just failing miserably because she wont adopt what I am telling her and wont fulfill my emotional needs, while being totally oblivious how I am doing the very same thing. It's pretty funny when you think about it that way.  It reminds me of the obvious behaviors exhibited by "short man's syndrome" or mid-life crisis etc. and when I think about how confusing self esteem is - and how mystifying GETTING self esteem is - it all starts to make sense. OF COURSE I would cling to my fantasies, self-righteousness and other behavior. In my mind, that's all I had. 

Not getting my needs met in the marriage isn't really the problem. It doesnt affect me in the same way. I have no real feelings whether we'll ever have sex again, or if we will tonight. I have no aspirations on what our marriage should look like, beyond what it is now. I do not feel like she is breaking some law of a happy marriage. I do feel lonely, sad and lost, but that's not something that she can actually fix. 

The biggest problem now? With all the other aspects ruled out, I am left to focus on this issue in the most unvarnished way I have ever seen it. That cuts both ways: I am relieved at how I dont need to expend so much energy doing the BS things I used to engage in, but I dont really know what the steps look like to begin to build up my value in my own eyes. 

Step one - I've left a vm for my DBT therapist and I'll follow up with an email in the next day or so, if I dont hear back. Hopefully he can fit me back into his schedule. 

Facing Facts

Wake Up And Smell the Coffee

This process of noting what's bothering me and griping about it is kind of funny. It reminds me of that scene in the movie "When Harry Met Sally." Carrie Fisher's character keeps saying, "he's never going to leave her." And when her friends remind her of the reality of the situation, she responds, "you're right. You're right. I know you're right."

The same has been true for me in many ways. I note my wife's lack of interest in what interests me; her lack of validation; the way she eschews my feedback and requests; how she ignores me in public; how she doesn't initiate any fixes or changes of her own to improve our marriage; how she's constantly making my complaints my fault (and therefore bears no responsibility for her actions); how she wont initiate any kind of romance - and how sex has become totally off the table.

You put all the above together in writing and it's pretty obvious that she tolerates me, but doesn't like me or love me. I've been saying for several years that we are only roommates. As painful as that statement is, I've also not really believed it. Let's face it, however, there is ample proof that it is true.

There are positive observations to point out as well, so the story is not altogether negative. For example, while she doesn't necessarily thank me or show her appreciation for any of my efforts, large or small, she does seem to respond with some behavioral changes at times. If I make dinner and clean up she may be a bit more pleasant with me. If I give her a wide birth of space, graciously, over a several day period, she may express some level of interest in me / my comings & goings. I would put the ratio of my action to her reaction at about 10:1, overall.

That ratio has been very consistent since we were dating. Back then, with no kids, plenty of time and much less demanding careers, I could treat her like a princess and we consistently had a pretty strong connection. I was pretty clueless about a lot of things - especially how to create my own sense of self esteem - and so I began to rely on her a lot when things were bad for me. In a pretty short period of time, it became clear that I couldn't and shouldn't actually rely on her and so I began to resent her and lash out and there went her trust in me.

She still doesn't really trust me.

I had thought that if I had DBT therapy + adderall on a regular basis, that she would be more compassionate. Nope. I thought that if I began to take on more at the house, do a better job of setting expectations, and deal with my emotional & physical needs "offline" (or rather, online, such as is/was the case), she would begin to unfold her defenses and contribute to our relationship in kind.

I have always felt that making an argument that she needs to hold up her end of the marriage would be effective. That was totally wrong; the 10:1 ratio remains intact.

The Path Forward.

Given the above, it makes total sense why I would want to leave her, but I wont do that if a) I cannot ensure a way to take care of the girls' wellbeing and their future and b) if there are other heathy options to explore for making our marriage work. And their are indeed healthy options to explore.

1. Embrace reality. She is never going to prioritize validating my feelings, or change her behavior (that's been proven over our 17 years together), We are not friends. We are not lovers. We are only friendly cohorts in raising a family and building up the household in support of that. There are boundaries to accept. For example, I need to be kind & thoughtful, but with zero expectations for any reciprocity. Moreover, I shouldn't be TOO kind & thoughtful, because that will make her begin to withdraw, as she's done in the past. She is too intimidated by such actions as they have often led to me lashing out (due to her lack of reciprocity / participation). Hitting on her is always a mistake. It's as bad as me hitting on a co-worker. The response is nearly the same, i.e. recoiling reaction, being irritated, ignoring it, etc. There is never a good reason to wake her, unless it is a health or safety-related emergency. There is never a legitimate reason to be upset with her. Her "beat-up" sense of self and lack of trust in me will not allow for anything more. There is only room for my improvement without regard for any emotional needs from her. There is no reciprocity, so it doesn't matter that she sets a different example (or a similar one, for that matter). My best guess is that her definition of "wife" doesn't mean a loving, a 50% partner, a collaborator, a true friend (as I had wished and became obsessively dependent upon).  It means, "I'll do my part and fuck-all if you do or don't do yours." She is not, in any way, a resource to counter loneliness and/or sadness. She is not to blame. She is doing the best she can. 
2. Take full ownership that I've made this bed. Two ingredients fatefully connected when we came together: 1) her shyness and 2) my neediness. You multiply that by 14 years of marriage and what you get is a real mess. The last couple years spent improving my behavior and perspectives has only slightly lessened her highly-vigilant and interwoven set of emotional defenses. If I had been more respectful of her personality from the start and had more self-respect, we would probably be better off. I wasn't able to course correct sooner and she isn't at all, so here we are. Owning my actions doesn't mean that I have a life-long prison sentence, it just means that's what's happened and it's time to commit to a healthier path, once and for all. 
3. Abandon my empty calories - any activities that simulate esteem or falsely lead me to temporarily feel desired or wanted are disastrous on many levels. When I allow myself to be extrinsically defined in any way, it only leads to depression (which makes her defensive) and other behaviors that make her recoil and/or defensive. This creates a snow-ball effect that impacts work, my friendships and my ability to be there for the girls. Abandoning empty calories also means dropping any idea that I could supplement my emptiness with a platonic or romantic companion. I have ample and lengthy proof - ok, signals - that people just don't care about my feelings and I would imagine for good reason. There is no "marriage court of law" that I can make my case to seek restitution. There is no extrinsic source of validation for my emotions and perspectives. 
4. Take full ownership of my self-esteem. Aggressively look for ways to become a much better "expert" at nurturing myself, while also guarding against getting triggered by my tendencies to judge and any preset expectations about her role.  Moreover, I need to devote myself 100% to learning and growing and being the pleasant and positive example. That should be my focal point.  To do this, I have to probably develop my role as someone who is self-sufficient, gracious, polite and doesn't expect anything in return. I think it may end up following a much more traditional role of being the emotional rock and the financial provider, but I am not entirely sure about that. I don't exactly know how do take full ownership, but I do think it involves seeing Charlie again soon and embracing his help and DBT on a deeper level than I have previously. I think it also means proactively dealing with her perceptions that a) I will lash out at her again / return to old patterns, b) I don't want to be home with the family, c) any physical limitations are not justified, d) work demands that interfere with house commitments are avoidable, e) I have no right to her heart, mind, soul.

Considering the above, learning more about improving my self-esteem will hopefully pay off for me the way it did for Carrie Fisher's character, Marie, in the movie "When Harry Met Sally." Eventually she moved on from her dilemma and presumably became a lot more sane in the process. 

Unlike that character, I don't see myself breaking up with the source of my angst. I see myself transcending it by more fully embracing DBT. And, as tough as that will be, their will likely be many positive outcomes as a result. Judgements and theoretical apprehensions I have in my work duties will be more effectively dealt with and I'll be able to accomplish more for myself and my employer. Friction in my marriage will very likely disappear, as I will not be presenting triggers for my wife and may only need to deal with triggers like being blamed for all the gaps/issues in our relationship. 

Perhaps best of all, I will set a better example for my girls. Whether or not it's actually true, I give credence to the notion that "girls marry men like their fathers." More than a happy marriage, wealth or a steady career, I want healthy relationships for the girls. I want this dysfunctional dynamic to end with my wife and I. 

My Self Esteem and Relationships

My narrative that being popular with women was something that became my identity, sort of misses out on a major issue - namely, that I may have significant self esteem issues.

These issues prevent me from making clear & sound judgements. I tend to favor approvals from the outside and when I dont get that, I feel profoundly alone and abandoned. 

I guess we all wrestle with this kind of stuff, but I am starting to see my self esteem limitations as why I can't face certain challenges. It's why I disregard those who cannot give to me. They are doing to me what I've been doing to me for a while. 

No wonder I am so eager to join in conversations, relationships and even groups where people are "lost". They come across like they like me and welcome me into a caring circle. It's like they're going to take care of me. 

Nope. They like me because I am coming across like I'm going to take care of them. 

Self esteem - regardless of what is happening to me - is something I need to become much more expert at. When it comes to being more self-sufficient, I need to do it with a purpose and focus on others - not just from a tasks perspective, but in a behavioral way as well:

• Taking care of myself and my stuff
• Being positive, loving and motivating/helpful
• Create a safe, open line of communication. Communicate when/how she wants. Dont be edgy or sarcastic around her. 
• Engage in her interests, ideas
• Ease tension w/o losing the point. Laugh at myself. 
• Nullify the "I have to do everything" argument: divvy up the chores

Empty Calories

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Last night at a networking event, I felt the silly and pathetic compulsion to stand up, grab the microphone and announce that I was tremendously lonely and sad.  Since I couldn’t summon the emotional energy to continue networking, I went home and probably missed out on making some valuable connections. Anyway, I hate the dreadful feeling of loneliness and its many harmful impacts on my work and home life. Typically, I end up blaming my wife for feeling lonely, (and she certainly does play a role in it),  but I’m starting to think that the digital time I spend on surrogate connections exacerbates the core issues of not having enough intimacy and “me” time in my life.

I’ve often resorted to social media to feel connected when I start feeling lonely, but we all know that it only helps in the short-term and like empty calories and energy from junk food, it leaves me feeling more drained than I did prior. 

A quick look around the web for loneliness solutions surfaces the usual help others, do something good for yourself advice. Nothing wrong with that, but it would be nice to get right at the triggers of the loneliness feeling with steps to reverse it. I am gathering that loneliness, like a bad career, low income/savings, poor social life, being overweight is attributable to bad habits that create and foster a kind of disconnect from intimacy and probably reality. There is no place in the mind that is more comforting than true friendship with oneself, family and cohorts.

So, after shunning empty calories for a month or so, then sliding back into old habits, maybe it’s time to give up on them for good. Even though it makes me a bit anxious to avoid digital and cerebral habits  - b/c let’s face it, the only reason why you indulge in empty calories is how fun it is -I do feel so much worse for having indulged.

So, why do I continue the cycle of indulge-deny-indulge?

I think it follows a similar cycle of denying my needs in the name of something like adhering to a painful set of beliefs, like:

• -       I’ll never be happy; I am a piece of shit; no one likes me
• -       My wife doesn’t love me; she’ll never love me; she’s not capable of loving me
• -       I have to work despite my disagreement with the path forward; despite the fact that I am sick / exhausted

Those are some pretty painful thoughts and so I check out into my little fantasy world vs. deconstructing them to find a better way forward. The other problem is that I CHRONICALLY deny my feelings, hunches, thoughts about what I need.

According to one of the sites I just looked at, Loneliness can stem from more obvious triggers (i.e. lack of friends, lack of sleep, lack of intimacy) but it can also be triggered from a lack of connection with oneself. That was maybe the 1000^th time I needed to hear that message because it finally landed with me.

In my youth, every time I felt lonely, I’d fill it up with entertainment, women, booze. I equated loneliness with a lack of having love in my life. I’d look at people in love or desirable women and think “that’ll never happen for me.”  Also very painful.

Throughout my marriage, I have depended greatly on my wife to heal my loneliness, but that was totally counter productive. I came across as very needy (which I was) and also judgmental (which I was) and not giving her a lot to react to (also true). Those traits have been assigned to me in the past by others as well. I remember an executive coach that said I spent too much energy seeking approval. Employees has said I took things too personally.

Sensing this – or hearing it directly – I then typically apply my repressive thinking (noted above) and sink into some kind of depression. Depression for me, seems like a way my sub-conscious to DEMAND I pay attention to myself. I sink as deeply as I can and then somehow, come out of it – usually because I’ve created such an overwhelming crisis from procrastination.

A lot of this cycle makes me into a needy mope filled with a fair amount of self pity and self-contempt.  I just want someone to come and fill me up. No one is that saintly to provide such emotional fulfillment without wanting as much or more in return. We’re all busy and it’s very common to simply say to others “dude, take care of your own problems.”

As a result of all this emotional drain, lack of interest in being good to myself deepens. And the cycle repeats.  

I think breaking the cycle has to do with having an ongoing, loving relationship with myself. Prioritizing workouts, good food, companionship as I can get it, helping others as appropriate, and staying away from empty calories. LISTENING and mindfulness are very important, too.

I suspect it may be just that simple, but I also suspect that there are a few other tactics / techniques to be aware of. I haven’t quite internalized anything yet.

My latest bout of loneliness comes in a very predictable way. Looking at my daily drill, I see a substantial fall-off starting about 3-4 weeks ago in overall productivity. Critical things like sleep and exercise became crucially bad. The combination of having too much to do and being totally physically exhausted led me to feel overwhelmed. This finally created a wake up call for me to do what was needed to solve the issue: ratchet down my workload and prioritize naps and workouts.

So, I’m on the mend a bit and very interested in tackling my neediness and essentially (maybe) trying to get to a place where I don’t expect my wife to care AND still having emotional bandwidth to be sweet to her.

I have to say that while that approach does indeed feel like the way forward for now, it is very daunting just to think about NOT shutting her off. I have spent a great deal of energy over the years getting her out of my heart. She’s not all the way out yet, but it’s close. If I met someone, I could see it being the end of my marriage. Truly.