We started couple's therapy in earnest in early July, focusing the negative emotions and actions of the other person. It was good to get all that out in a healthy environment, as our therapist would "weigh in" during a rant or when things were falling into our oft-repeated dynamics.
Through his help and reading up on emotional intelligence, empathy, and other perspectives, I have come to a place where I have let go of my demanding perspectives on my-wife-as-emotional-file-cabinet [responsible for filling whatever emotional/physical need I had, whenever I had it] and am moving to a place where I now see her as a person who is very different than I, but also very much in love with me.
Then, this week and in today's session, we explored how my ENFJ currently relates to her ISFP personality - and could relate much more effectively and efficiently. Here's a matrix I developed, based on the book "16 Ways To Love Your Lover"
| ENFJ | ISFP | |
| "The Relationship is everything" | "Is she really this unassuming?" | |
| hi-level statement | inspiring, rescuers, warmth, risk of smothering | good listener, quiet, kindly deeds speak for themselves |
| first impressions | Fun and delightful, articulate, affirming/supportive | warm, friendly, you want to be around them |
| communications | good with words, makes others feel worthwhile | greatful for others to lead the way, draw out language |
| sex& intimacy | A scheduled, affirming oppty for sweet talk | here and now event, no need to discuss. |
| Finance | should serve an ideal, generally responsible and effective | self-doubting, do it only as necessary, not long-range planners |
| Conflict | sweeps it under the rug | HATES it; but stubborn when pushed |
| Commitment | Lifelong; very self-critical if relationship fails | runs deep |
| Parenting | Has to impose values on others, so it's an awesome responsibility | hopeful; no need to control kids; gentle support is all that's needed |
| Ending relationships | a poor relationship is better than none, but if it must end, he'll find another quickly | very, very slow to let go |
| How to be enchanting: | allow disagreement | use words |
| supportive things to say to the other | supportive things to say to the other | |
| E:I | would you like some time to think things over and then share | I want to hear what you're saying, but say it more softly |
| N:S | Good points, let's put things in perspective now | Interesting perspective, let's make sure we have the facts, too |
| F | I understand your feelings, let's try to stay objective though | I understand your feelings, let's try to stay objective though |
| J:P | I'd like to help you sort things out so we can move toward a decision | Can we make some room for discussion? |
| Four Keys to Lasting Love | Four Keys to Lasting Love | |
| Conflict | STAY OBJECTIVE, don't take it personally | TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, don't take things personally |
| Finance | get a consultant/ outside intel for objectivity, pick the leader, balance budgeting & goals with future | get a consultant for objectivity, pick the leader, balance budgeting & goals with future |
| Communication | pause, repeat or acknowledge what she said, before launching off. Appreciate the spaceprovided by her, to contemplate options. Be clear when you're not being literal.Raise an honest question vs jamming answers. | Demand quiet time, work to be direct. edit yourself out loud. Face the disagreable with each other. remind yourself that it's not final, even if he says it is; remind him it's ok to explore options, but be ready to make a choice. stay on topic. try to stay focused on what is being shared. |
| Sex and Intimacy | be specific, tactile, and immediate, fill the senses; Allow time and space for reflection. Listen and affirm. Lose yourself in your partner. | show&tell, do to him what you want for yourself; talk till you think it's unecessary. Force some loudness in expressing yourself. Lose yourself in your partner. |
The real issue we need to tackle in the above, is "Sex and Intimacy." Given that our communication is getting much improved, I think we can begin to put our toe in the water regarding this issue. I say that with particular optimism, b/c the problem I thought we needed to solve - her lack of interest, is not the problem.
As you can see above, it's a simple difference in perspective [communication + comfort zone], which we can slowly develop some work-arounds, I think.
Solving the wrong problem, thinking there IS no problem, and/or thinking that there's a problem, but there's nothing anyone can do about it has been a big issue for us as a couple and as individuals in our lives. Being Feelers, we often lack the objectivity [read: emotional distance] to correctly identify problems and seek out just the right/ necessary resources to fix those problems quickly and for the duration.
That's another thing I plan to work on, and will pick that topic up further in my next post.
Pretty cool, though, huh?
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