My new home life

"What is the problem we are solving?"


Its a question I ask myself and others for work issues, but now I think it's appropriate for home, too. I simply need a way to wrap my head around the many problems that persist in my marriage. And, I need to do that in a way that is free from resentment or any other b.s.

As promised, I've essentially started sleeping alone. I will not accept or try to be close with my wife for the foreseeable future. Our relationship is too stuck, too dysfunctional, to continue as-is. Sleeping apart, along with letting go of any other intimacy expectations, is what I need right now to gain perspective and take ownership of my role in things.

I've mentioned in prior posts that I essentially think what's been happening in my marriage is largely due to my fucked up ADHD brain and the narcissistic and borderline personality disorders I've used to cope with things. Naturally, she just doesn't see the upside to being close to me.

Being apart, however, presents some additional intimacy issues, which I think I can solve for:

Intimacy Needs - emotional: 
 - We never really had a ton of this, so I can continue getting these needs met via friendships and family.
 - Also, I have greatly lowered my expectations around emotional intimacy with her, which also helps lessen the burden. It also gives me some much-needed perspective on our relationship and my behavior.

Intimacy Needs - physical:
 - We also never had heaping amounts of this, but I still have a sex drive. After a couple of weeks of no physical intimacy, I start almost involuntarily checking out other women and fantasizing about cheating (even tho that would be nearly impossible.) I end up in a cycle of denying, then indulging in, sexual fantasies. Unsurprisingly, the fantasies all have to do with me being wanted, appreciated, and desired. So, I surf the porn, waste time, jack off, feel guilty, wait a day or so, and repeat the cycle one or two more times. Then, the guilt builds to the point that I swear off masturbation, porn, fantasies, etc.  That works for about a week, on average. It's pathetic.
- So, now I'll just try "clean the pipes" as it were. Masturbation with no fantasies to eliminate any biological needs.

Intimacy Needs - intellectual/ experiential:  
 - I've intimidated her and alienated her on so many different levels in so many ways, that whatever I offer for consideration is reacted to with defensiveness, deflection, and/or aggressiveness. This, too, can be channeled away toward different friendships.
- In the meantime, using my years of client management skills can be very useful.

Prevention
-Also, I need to really practice "prevention" - looking away when I see a happy couple; changing the subject when people talk about intimacy in their relationships; avoiding any kind of salacious images or messaging.

Getting back on track:
It's natural that I will get 'triggered' by various scenarios. I cannot imagine, for example, how sucky the holidays are going to be. Therefore, I need to remind myself why I am doing this - which, again, is to make room for my healthy resurgence. My marriage is shit b/c I disappointed her and pushed her away due to my fucked up ADHD brain and the narcissistic and borderline personality disorders I've used to cope with my fucked up brain and the fucked up decisions and actions I've made/taken.

Now what? My new "job description":

Instead of flouncing about at home and being needy and basically watching movies vs. the myriad of things I could be doing, the following is now what I need to be focusing on:

1. Getting well - dissolving and/or replacing my shitty behaviors with healthy ones
2. Keeping the house / yard clean - she likes a clean house. A messy place creates stress for her. 
3. Eliminating other sources of stress - this can be tackling a long-delayed project (there are many) or anticipating and solving a prescient issue, like taking on an urgent problem or responsibility of hers. 
4. Giving her coverage for the kids / being a solid role model - for example, she does all pick ups and drop offs, so tackling dinners or being the point person for the evening time would be valuable. Also, leading reading and math games, getting the kids to bed promptly, etc., are all critical. 

First, and foremost, however, is being soft, loving, and approachable. That'll be tough, given my imparments. But, it's also about not expecting her to change her levels of responsibility, but creating and maintaining a safe space for the potential of us getting together in a way that could be genuinely healthy and a foundation for true partnership. 

My next step is to really bake out a weekend./ holiday drill that is sustainable. I've yet to do that, and it's becoming super-urgent to turning things around.