Six Pillars of Self-esteem

(From http://www.lifepositive.com/mind/personal-growth/self-love/esteem.asp)

Nathaniel Branden, the guru of self-esteem issues, says in The Six Pillars of Self-esteem: "The level of our self-esteem has profound consequences for every aspect of our existence—how we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we are likely to achieve."

In his book, Healing The Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw says: "Total self-love and acceptance is the only foundation for happiness and the love of others. Without total self-love and acceptance, we are doomed to the enervating task of creating false selves." Anand Tendolkar, reiki master and workshop guru, recalls his lifelong attempt to match up to his father's expectations. "My father was a perfectionist and a larger-than-life figure. For 40 years, I tried to be like him. Today, it's such a freedom simply to be me," he says.

Self-acceptance, self-love, a positive self-image, the freedom to be ourselves; all these are crucial aspects of self-esteem. Whether seen from the ultimate perspective of spirituality, which exhorts us to be our true self, or from the more modest psychological imperative to develop a positive self-image, the struggle towards self-esteem is everyman's journey.

Says Branden: "Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence and cooperation. Poor self-esteem correlates with irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness, an overly compliant or controlling behavior, and fear or hostility towards others."

Self-esteem becomes a wide-ranging term for it is intimately connected with our relationship with our selves. That relationship determines everything about our lives. Every problem that we have—relationships, health, money or work—is ultimately caused by inadequate self-esteem. Branden, in fact, describes it as the one common denominator in all neurotic problems. He sees them either as direct expression of or a defense against inadequate self-esteem. Yet the subject has not received the kind of attention that it deserves. Unless our self-esteem plummets to the extent that we can no longer handle our lives effectively, we are content to leave it alone. The reason is that few of us are really conscious of its wide-ranging impact on our lives.

Says writer Devi Narayan: "Before I started reiki, I didn't know I had low self-esteem. I used to think I was just being negative. I was unhappy with my job but did not have the confidence to leave it. Reiki made me aware that the way I react to situations is based on how I feel about myself."

From the spiritual perspective, one is free of self-esteem problems only when one transcends the ego. Paradoxically, we need to develop a healthy ego before we can transcend it. Psychologists agree that low self-esteem is related to weak ego boundaries. Says Bradshaw: "An ego boundary is internal strength by which a person guards her inner space. Without boundaries a person has no protection. A strong boundary is like a door with the doorknob on the inside. A weak ego boundary is like a door with the doorknob on the outside." Says Acharya Ram Mohan: "Ego problems arise from low self-esteem. Egoistic people are insecure about themselves." Hence, only one with a healthy self-esteem is qualified for spiritual evolution.

So how do psychologists define self-esteem? There is no single definition. However, Branden offers a comprehensive understanding of the term in The Six Pillars of Self-esteem: "Self-esteem is the disposition of experiencing oneself as competent in coping with the basic challenges of life and as being worthy of happiness." There are two components to Branden's definition. The first he calls self-efficacy: "Confidence in the functioning of my mind, in my ability to think, understand, learn, choose, and make decisions; confidence in my ability to understand the facts of reality that fall within the sphere of my interests and needs; self-trust, self-reliance."

The second is self-respect: "Self-respect means assurance of my value; an affirmative attitude towards my right to live and be happy; comfort in appropriately asserting my thoughts, wants and needs; the feeling that joy and fulfillment are my natural birthright." Branden further subdivides these two factors into six components:

• Living consciously: This is an active mind rather than a passive one, being in the moment, with a concern to know external and internal reality. Says he: "To live consciously means to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values and goals to the best of our ability and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know."

• Self-acceptance: This means accepting all feelings, thoughts and acts and being compassionate towards oneself. "Self-acceptance entails our willingness to experience—that is, to make real to ourselves without denial or evasion—that we think what we think, feel what we feel, desire what we desire, have done what we have done, and are what we are."

• Self-responsibility: This includes being responsible for the achievement of desires, for the level of consciousness; our behavior with other people; for prioritizing time and for personal happiness. "In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist merely for satisfying our needs." TIED UP IN KNOTS
As a country, we need to loosen up and like ourselves a little more


• Self-assertiveness: It is your right to exist as you are. It is the acceptance that your life does not belong to others and that you are not here to live up to someone else's expectations.

• Purposeful living: "To live purposefully is to use our power for the attainment of goals we have selected; the goal of studying, of raising a family, of earning a living," says Branden.

• Personal integrity: "When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match, we have integrity."