Helplessness

For some reason I started to think about the theme of my sexual fantasies. They're all the same, basically. I am approached by a voluptuous woman who corners me sexually in some way. Essentially, she gives me no way to turn and I have to have sex with her. She agrees to keep the whole thing a secret. Some of the details vary but the story arc is the same.

I started to think that maybe I had "mommy" issues, b/c the fantasies all require me to be submissive. Several years ago, I used to love the idea of being tied up, or to be made into a love slave forced to do whatever I was requested.

I poked around online a bit and started to find several bits of information, essays, etc on my behavior and it's become clear to me that ALL my unproductive behavior is rooted in a learned helplessness.

It's overwhelming to think of such a big problem, but at the same time, it's also a relief. It's nice to stop blaming others for my problems. It's also nice to take this off my wife's shoulders. Undoubtedly, I've been mad at her for not being my mom - or not providing me with emotional fulfillment on a level I should be able to provide myself. It makes me feel better that there is something I can do which will directly help me feel stronger and more positive about my life.

I feel like these recent revelations are like the "chemotherapy" for my marital issues, and hopefully my further investigations will help me to stop getting upset by my wife's lack of true interest in my needs and ambitions.

I can see a strong, decade's long tradition of leaning on my girlfriends for everything from emotional fulfillment to shelter to a social life, even to a religion. Only now am I starting to try to develop my own identity and my own personal resources.

When I think about where this all may have come from, I think of my mom and grandmother, who would tolerate my father's rage and arbitrary rule. Such was the time, of course, but we kids sure had a role model for how to get abused and pretend we deserved it. Faced with the alternatives of being rageful against my dad or hurtful against myself, I easily chose the latter.