Doubling Down on My Priorities

My wife and I had a bit of a flair up today; call it PMS + a case of the Mondays if you will. Essentially, I felt invalidated because she rolled her eyes and made a snarky comment about my level of urgency around getting the girls out of the house.

So, hurt and offended, I yelled at her and said we wouldn't be speaking this week.

Our marriage is filled with that kind of childish behavior, and after I cooled down a bit and deleted some vicious texts I never completed, I thought for a minute about what was really happening. In my mind, this episode - both with my whining children and snarky wife - was an exercise in seeking emotional sustenance from outside oneself. My kids wanted to feel in charge and not be rushed; I wanted to feel validated and 'backed up' by my wife. This morning was typical of a pattern that has to do with looking to  others for critical emotional support - instead of acknowledging what is actually happening and course correcting as appropriate.

Here's what I mean:

My toddlers need structure. They dont need movies, inconsistent sleep patterns, sugar, and/or a foggy sense of how they should behave. The need to know what is expected of them and the implications of meeting or not meeting those expectations.

I dont need others to make me feel good about my decisions. What I do need to do is to witness and chronicle patterns, seek outside input on those patterns and contextually-related issues, then, continually optimize. I don't need someone telling me I am doing a good job or a bad job. I need intrinsic data and live feedback to tell me that. I do need to think things through more and - in the case of my kids - develop a workable routine that they understand and will benefit from.

I've already started doing this in small ways for myself and have only seen benefits. Now, I need to expand my approach to others. The more I take care of my priorities, the more proficient I'll become. It's not about getting validation from others anymore. It's about getting intel to optimize my place in the world.