Marriage Update

whoa...where to begin?!

Since stating that I was no longer going to push for sex and intimacy, several things have happened:

1. My wife and therapist felt I was being extreme and felt that I was 'checking out' of the marriage.
2. It's been hard not to be cold to my wife; colder than usual, anyway. 
3. We're both trying to be closer, but are burdened by baggage, heavy schedules, stress, age, toddlers, and a complex web of emotions and thoughts as it relates to the other person. But we both are indeed trying.
4. I think I've made great progress in accepting - truly letting go  - of thinking my need would be satisfied by her, due to our hugely different personality types. But, I'm not 100% by any means.
5. Today, after her return from a 3-day trip to FL, I shared that I'd hoped the absence would have essentially made our hearts grow fonder. Yet, as she once again began a conversation in a totally convoluted way, forcing me to untangle what she was actually trying to ask. I didnt flare up or really say anything. I think I said, I dont know and walked out to the room to her mostly confused and somewhat hurt expression. [Like I said, progress, but not 100%]
6. Later today, I said that, to put our marriage in a biz context, it's like I have three offerings, the "premier", which is "all in" and all about sharing, exploring, partnering, vulnerability, growth for the other, and so forth. Next is "friend" which is some of the above + big amounts of distance. Also, there are usually big, no-trespassing topics around personal issues, their marriages, or religion, etc. Commonly referred to as personal boundaries. Finally, there is "acquaintance" which is the friendly and not-deep way one might connect with a work colleague. 

I said she was acting like an acquaintance, and true to form, she didn't have anything meaningful to say except that she didn't like or want that. I'll keep the [very light] pressure up, and maybe she'll develop some ideas on how to be more present, take more initiative, and be generally more of a partner with me. In the meantime, hopefully, she'll start working out, b/c i think her MBA in Sedentary Living was acquired long ago. Seriously,tho, I think lack of exercise is hurting her on many, many levels. 

As for taking care of me, what to do?

Because of a lack of intimacy and sex, as well as poor follow-through on working out + my adderall I have some issues:

1. I get horny and don't know what to do with it. I try to ignore it, etc., but I like feeling that way. 
2. I look at boobs and get busted at it often. 
3. As I am an F I need to have visceral feelings. Sex/intimacy solve that big time. How to replace??
4. I'm scared that as I'm hitting my late 40's I'm losing my erection. Basically, Nitric Oxide and working out could mitigate/delay my issues, but who knows?  I still need to try getting both going, however. 
5. We set a record in agreeing to, setting and meeting expectations. She told me three things needed to happen this week (pay mort., deposit check, get the girls into their new classes perfectly.) Missions accomplished.
6. I'm susceptible. It's a good thing that I'm not attractive, in some ways, because there is zero risk of me getting seduced. I'm alternately desperate seeming, repressed, goofy, and then a nice combination of things that still exist, such as looking ok in a suit, being funny, being articulate, etc. I hear that I am "bright" a lot, and I hear that i am "handsome" or "good-looking" on occasion, but usually within another context, like - "for your age" or "which is a career asset" or something. 

What I want:

Partly, I dont know.  Here's what I have in mind as of now:

• A marriage where I dont get upset, but just kindly take the high road all the time. That's doable, especially as a result of the changes I've implemented recently and before.
• A personal and work life wherein I don't creep ppl out (even for a split second). It's so counterproductive to everything - even if I did want to cheat, they're already on the defensive, b/c I havent spent time really trying to build up trust first. Trust is everything, man....
• Alone time that doesn't involve succumbing to -  or resisting  - the urge to jack the fuck off.
• Excitement. 
• Intimacy.
• Learning, adventure, innovation.
• To feel alive, strong, sexy again. 

Action steps:

As mentioned a thousand times, working out is the ballgame. Next, Nitric Oxide. And, a job with income to drive other interests like travel and going out

But then what? 

Intimacy? Cant happen, since I dont/wont have it in my marriage and my friendships dont/wont provide that. I'll research "living without intimacy" for help.

Stay focused on the 5/13 goals. Cheating is impossible, because a) you're not attractive/appealing, b) you have no money, c) you have no job, d) you have no flexibility with your many demands, e) you would die if you hurt your wife and/or broke up your family. The corollary: Forget what you think you can do about creating any kind of double life - fantasy or otherwise. At least for now.

Meditate, fuck head!

this is a good start.