A productive call

Sunday noonish

I asked her if she read my emails. She said she scanned them, but didn't know what to really think.

"I am hoping you love me, I guess"

I love you. I love you. I love you, honey, I do.

Is it just that you're really bad at telling me ?  Just like this whole thing started 15 yrs ago.. that you were trashing me on the way to genuinely wanting to express your undying love for me??

I burst out laughing. We both did. She really broke the tension with that funny reference.

Since I had a command audience (she was driving back from NH after all).

"We're different people. I am an emotional feeling person. I have been selfish - treating you like my emotional refrigerator. Whatever I want to feel I want you to give it to me. When I feel excited or sad or depressed, I wanted to just barge into your life regardless of what you were doing and share that with you. I  noticed how ineffective that was - on me, and on you too, obviously.

I just started to pull away. Out of embarrassment, resentment and consideration, too, of you.   But, that resentment really started to build, over time. That's why I got so depressed a couple of years ago.
I felt that I had so much to share and so many needs and there was no way of doing that with you.

So, I just started coping in these kind of unhealthy ways. All this time. With fantasy, imagination, denial.. just coping. It's just toxic for me. So, in some ways what I am doing is healthy, but it's also painful. Because I have done these things and made these decisions that are not good for me or you. And, we are left with the results of that. Our conversations can be painful because there are left over feelings and resentments. And, some present feelings around being scared that we are drifting apart or that I am making more bad decisions. It is also about letting go of this idea that I had about you, myself and us. That's painful and scary for you and me to do that.

So that's why conversations can be upsetting for us, I think.

What I want is what I shared in those emails. I want to support you. I want to support us. And I want to be me.  I have to be more of me than I have been. There should be space in our relationship to allow you to be you and allow me to be me.

Our love for each other should allow that to happen, over time.

In the way I think I can support you - and be me - is the way that I've been discussing and shared via the emails. Let's take a clear look at what activities we need to do as a family, and start delegating and systematizing them. So as a family, we can create more support and space for you.

In addition, the kind of vows that I've been working on are really foundational in the sense that I want to love you for who you are. I've said this before - and it bears repeating that I idolized youYou are so far outside my league. So far outside my league.  I think about what my trajectory was like - where I was headed.  I think about what your presence has done to transform my life.

I expected things of you that I dont think were fair to expect. One of them was that I expected you to WANT to share your deepest feelings and thoughts and secrets. That doesn't seem to be who you are. That's who I am. I am a little less impulsive and feelings-centered than I used to be, but I am nonetheless a feelings-based person. It's not fair to expect you to be like me. It's only fair to love you for who you are.

There are many many things about you that are just AWESOME and there are a handful of things that are infuriating and painful. But those negative things aren't who you are, intrinsically.   Who you are in the world, isn't someone who creates pain. I get upset because of my own bad decisions due to my interpretation and expectation and needs I set up for myself. Somehow, you should be able to do this or that for me, just as I expect - but that's not fair.

What I really want, is to just function well - as a family. To communicate well and operate well.

I am letting go of the fact that you are not the communicator I wish you were. You are not the kind of romantic person; the impulsive the effusive person I would like you to be. But I still love you. I still love you. I still love you. I still want to be with you. I feel like that's real love. Everyone has undesirable parts, God knows I do.

She wanted to know - are you going to go elsewhere to fix those other parts (meaning, hook up with other women / fall in love, etc)

I don't know. I just dont know - I am being honest with you.. I think I have too much focus on to go get laid or whatever. I would never want to hurt you. I feel like this is too important than some kind of emotional or sexual gratification. I feel like our house is burning, so how can I be thinking about my gratification.

We're going to get Fia to do laundry and Tessa to clean. She's a good little cleaner and I am going to take on stuff and you're going to take on less. It might be more work to manage them or whatever, but any little bit will be helpful.  And you and I are going to meet on a weekly basis to run through bills, mail, projects and to plan quality time for ourselves and our children. We'll have a weekly way to connect with each other.

We are going to be highly disciplined about doing those very simple things. In the process we'll become more functioning. Maybe something more romantic will happen on top of that - after the dust settles... who knows.. ?  But I am not expecting it. I've known you for 15yrs and I just don't expect that will happen .

She got interrupted by our daughter and I had already made my point, so we eneded the call. Before I did, though, I asked her: was any of that helpful?

She said,  yes, it was. Very. I really appreciate it.  I do.

Good, I said. I'll let you go.