If I really wanted this, how would I act?

It's been a while - what’s been goin’ on?

It’s been several months since my last entry, and so I’ll try to bring you up to speed thoroughly and quickly.

In late June, I hired a personal trainer. I’d noticed that every effort to try to lose weight and get back in shape had ended poorly. Months earlier, I bought a bowflex, assembled it, and used it a few times. Nothing more than that.

Around that same time, I was instrumental in winning new business that nearly doubled the size of my marketing agency. Any hope of doing more than work was out of the question. And you know what? EVERYthing suffered. My marriage, my happiness, my relationships with my friends, my self esteem, even my work suffered to a degree, because I was so exhausted all the time.

I knew I needed to make a “right-hand turn” as put it. The stress was killing me and I knew my bad eating habits were leading to low energy and weight gain. I needed a drastic and probably uncomfortable change in order to lose weight. I was right on both accounts. I hired a personal trainer, and together I began to get fit via new rigorous exercise techniques (I’d go on to loose over 20lbs and become stronger than I’d ever been).

With that success, I realized that I could do the same with a professional coach. Besides, that research on Adrenaline Addicts anonymous only proved I needed help, not commiseration by a peer set of other addicts.

I researched executive coaches extensively and settled on Dr. Fleming for two key reasons:
1. He wasn’t interested in that “touchy-feely” approach that so often goes nowhere
2. He immediately understood my situation and made clear, tangible recommendations about how to proceed. He has an excellent approach to conducting business. We agreed that I would begin with a 360-degree assessment.

Dr. Fleming initiated the formal 360 Evaluation; facilitated the survey analysis and reports; and, conducted a thorough feedback session with me. The results were a mind-blower. Evidently, I’d putting on a show that only I believed. In particular, I've developed a very inauthentic method of COPING with my life so far. Basically, I say/do whatever is necessary to get folks to like me. I am not really sure what will please ME, so I go along with whatever I am told/ requested, and then burn out from working so hard at something non-fulfilling - or get ejected from being so duplicitous. (Ejected applies to work, social situations, etc). For example, certain ppl gave me higher scores than others: Harry,(my Boss's Boss) and my wife were the highest. My subordinates were modestly high. My Bosses (three partners and two clients) were the lowest. That group is the one I pander to the most - and to whom I am least accountable.

I often get a feeling of being burnt-out b/c relating to others seems to take too much effort, and I often feel guilty when I prioritize myself over others.

I thought being quick on my feet was a positive skill, and I took pride in my well-honed reactive abilities. Yet as a result of comparing my responses - and my respondents responses – with those rankings of top leaders, I quickly realized such skills are much less necessary than I ever thought. Moreover, I often have felt like a 'fraud', especially when I don’t know which role to play. When I don’t have something pressing to which I react, I often get a feeling of deep sadness and being 'stuck'.

I have little sense of my real self or my purpose in life. That, combined with the complicity described above gives me no vision for my future. As a result, it is very hard to give myself the permission I need to take a creative approach to life and business.

I also noticed that my peer set gave me high marks for many items, but I still ranked very low, percentage-wise. I attribute this to the fact that "like properties attract like properties" and that only my peer group (those found in my 360) would identify with my approach to life and business. I expect that is why the scores relating to my potential are very low.



As a result of these observations from the 360 assessment, my current thinking is as follows:

Identifying my purpose will allow me the vision and courage to be the real me at all times to all people. It will allow me to create a life wherein I am not a victim of stressful circumstances, but the architect and engineer of a rewarding life that free from problems I create for myself.

I often see the big picture, and have glimmers of creative thinking, such as ways to align poor communities with entrepreneurs to create opportunities for both. As well, I have other concepts that I don’t treat seriously for the above reasons / observations.

These are the questions that I'm left with:

1. How can I quickly discover my purpose in life?
2. What is my plan for transitioning from where I am at, to where I really want to be?
3. What skills do I need to focus on / acquire while I transition from my current way of living, to a more creative and evolved mode?

Until working with Dr. Kevin Fleming, I’d always wondered what was stopping me from having a full life. After working with him for a brief time, I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible- and while I returned to questions I’d been asking for a while, I was able to immediately become aware of how I was being perceived and make some initial corrections.

For years I’d suffered the see-saw of work success OR personal life success. And, the people around me seemed to have the same troubles.

Finally, as I neared my 40th birthday milestone, I decided that I would make a personal commitment to creating more balance and more prosperity.

Having had some experience with other profile-building tools as well as the Myers-Briggs tests, I thought I knew what to expect. I was wrong. The reports and accompanying information were, quite frankly, superior to anything that I’d ever imagined. Reviewing the extensive results materials was like seeing an x-ray of my life. I was able to quickly and clearly see how I was essentially coping with life – not setting myself up to thrive.

As I begin the next chapter of my professional relationship –and my life, I am focused and invigorated. The reports and Dr. Fleming’s guidance has allowed me to be aware of my faulty perspectives and embrace healthier, more productive ones.

But, I still didn’t have a plan.

Weeks passed, and after lots of negotiation with my wife, I was able to get her agreement that we would spend the thousands of dollars needed to dig deeper into my personality and develop a realistic path toward being a more capable adult.

In mid-December, after acquiring yet another client and reaching my weight goal, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I’d also negotiated a 30% raise and title change. Even though I was working crazy hours still, I at least had something to show for my efforts.

I coughed up the cash and flew out to meet with Dr. Fleming for a 5 hour session at his Jackson Hole, Wy office.

We talked for about 90 minutes, then took lunch. It was even more illuminating than the 360 assessment. As well, our professional relationship took on a new level of collaboration, as he asked me to write about my experiences with him to date. My comments, he said, might be used in a book he was writing, but more likely, they would simply be used to help define the market position of his practice.

I was honored that he’d ask. By way of bringing you up to speed, here’s what I wrote:


My ‘Moment’ has arrived and I know exactly what to do.

Picture this: several options have presented themselves and you must act quickly and with confidence. You are wedged between critical and urgent challenges in your career, homelife, and friendships. You need to make decisions that will last a long time – maybe even a lifetime – and, those decisions also must have immediate and positive impact.

Oh yeah, and you’ve been in a similar situation many, many times before and floundered. Practically very time.

What do you do?

Since you can see a clear connection between this situation and the limiting thoughts of your childhood, maybe you decide to reach out to a therapist. You shop around, go with your gut, choose one with whom sharing a beer wouldn’t be painful. Then, you spend weeks and weeks becoming intimately aware of the vagaries of life and your sorrowful family history. After your Moment has passed, and given all the frowns in your life and the mirror, you start rescheduling your sessions. Then, you just stop altogether. Why bother.

Then, your ‘Moment’ arrives again. A job opportunity that allows you to leap forward in your career. And, the girlfriend is sharing thoughts about the future – (“honey, maybe we should live together?). You’re done with the therapy path, and open your mind to new horizons. An ad for a motivational speaker/coach/guru strikes your eye. It all seems so simple and straight forward. How refreshing(!). The answers are within you. You’ve just been a wimp. Now, GO GET EM. DO IT ALL. NOW! YAAAY!!

Weeks pass and the drum beat (more like dumb beat) becomes alienating. Maybe life isn’t super complicated but it’s also not that simple, either. All that cheerleading is only a portion of the story. Too late. You seize your ‘Moment’ and make strong and equal commitments to your family, girlfriend, and additional career responsibilities. Everything is priority One.

In six to eight months you begin to experience burnout from working too hard, and you go from just managing, to managing the disappointment of your peers, family, and friends. You chose to “scale back” and “take it a bit easier.” This just distances you further from your commitments. Maybe you don’t downshift, and as a result, you find yourself virtually SPRINTING in place.

So, you go shopping. Self-help, career help, relationship help, help being a winner, help via five steps, seven steps, 10 steps, 12 steps. Keep it simple, embrace your inner [fill in the blank]… It’s all there, in your favorite book store: DVDs, books, magazines, CDs – you name it. Your first exposure to this vast array of information is likely one of two things: euphoria at gaining access to life’s secrets, or information overload. Not sure what to buy first – but, boy are you going to buy a lot – you turn to the Internet for help. A simple Google search turns up hundreds of thousands of resources – some of which you’ve already explored, unfortunately. It all seems the same.

Meanwhile, time has passed. Your ‘Moment’ is long gone, and you’re back into what you know best – that not so great pattern. You find yourself wishing for another ‘Moment,’ if only to get another shot at getting to that next level.

Ready, Aim, Aspire

And what IS that next level? It has different descriptions for each person, but there are certainly common theme: more money; less work. More fun. More love. More God. Less stress. Less carbs. Less anger. More certainty.

Usually, I think it’s more specific than that. For me it was, anyway. It’s just been buried so deep that I couldn’t seem to find the right words to describe it fully. The books and DVDs and well-meaning friends and gurus and therapists and, oh, did I forget to mention the clergy? They all have their place and they all are very helpful. They just aren’t accustomed to delivering specific solutions tailored for ME.

If you’re at all like me – stuck in the middle of important decisions – you really want to get to the heart of the matter as realistically and as quickly as possible. You don’t have time to evolve while incorporating general best practices – regardless of how lofty and noble they might actually be.

As I write this, I’m silently mulling over the latest urgings from my wife – she’s two months pregnant with our first child; a rival competitor is showing interest in hiring me; my family and friends are showing signs of getting tired of my requests that they be patient in waiting to see me; and, slowly, a fire burns inside of me to do much more with my life and my career.

It’s coming. My ‘Moment’ is about to arrive again. The big decisions are needed but something’s different now. I have other people to think about. I can’t just throw up my arms in despair. I can’t waste anymore time, indefinitely sitting in therapists offices, listening to DVDs or CDs, and standing on a chair yelling “YES I CAN” over and over again.

From Platitudes to Partnership.

From the start, I knew had to make a deep, if somewhat blind commitment to getting the resources and information I needed to move past that invisible ceiling which prevented me from having a rich, full life. I was so frustrated. I had to ask myself, what the heck had I been DOING all this time? How much longer was I going to put up with my middle-of-the-road, middle-management, middle-class, stuck-in-the-middle life?

Something broke inside of me – I think it was just my commitment to just putting up with it all.
No more see-saw from career success to personal success and back again. No more feeling ‘stuck’. No more thinking that I didn’t deserve success or happiness. No more telling myself that I was doing the best I could and that was all I could do. No more bullshit.

So, instead of being committed to preserving my bullshit, I committed to finding a solution that would help me maximize of WHO I AM, instead of adopting some ideal persona. I wanted someone who would understand office culture and expectations. This person would be able to connect my uniqueness to that next level of opportunities and help me thrive. And, since I was creating my very own wish list, I decided I wanted someone who would hold himself/herself accountable to my success.

Since I knew what I wanted, and certainly knew what I DIDN’T want (see paragraphs two thru seven), I was able to quickly find Dr. Kevin Fleming.

Immediately, it was clear his services were exactly what I was seeking. He listened to my situation and asked probing questions, not about my childhood or past lives, but about my intentions. He got the details and together we agreed on benchmarks, key deliverables, as well as roles and responsibilities. We struck a partnership.

Dr. Fleming initiated the formal 360 Evaluation; facilitated the survey analysis and reports; and, conducted a thorough feedback session with me.

Having had some experience with other profile-assessment tools as well as the Myers-Briggs tests, I thought I knew what to expect. I was wrong. The reports and accompanying information were, quite frankly, superior to anything that I’d ever imagined. Reviewing the results was like seeing an x-ray of my life. I was able to quickly and clearly see how I was essentially coping with life – not setting myself up to thrive.

Accompanying the 360 results was a three-ring binder, explaining the various indices and findings. I learned how people really saw me every day. My peers, my bosses, my friends all registered their constructive opinions on my behaviors and actions. There it was, in black and white: how I ranked against the best leadership qualities.

Before I tell you of the findings, let me ask a question first. Have you ever looked at yourself walking past a plate-glass store window, and noticed your posture needed correcting? You immediately corrected it, right? Stood up straight, sucked in your gut, fixed your hair, and put some confidence in your stride.

When you think about how you walk about the city or your neighborhood, I’ll bet you right now that the image you carry of yourself is the corrected version of that plate-glass image. That what I was doing, and guess what? My friends and family saw both versions.


Thanks, but…

At first, I have to say, it was very tough to face. But, I remembered my commitment that I made to myself. There was no turning back. Pouring through the rankings and explanations, I found that I had learned to be very reactionary.

Through the years, I became well-practiced at being nimble and fast. I could tap-dance like a master – and took pride in my abilities to turn bad situations around. I often referred to my work as performing a “rescue mission.” Like that posture-perfect image in the window, I imagined that my peers, family and friends saw me as a highly capable and brilliant professional who could juggle a thousand things at once.

The 360 Assessment taught me that while I indeed was performing rescue missions – I wasn’t turning around bad situations, I was creating them.

Gratefully, Dr. Fleming’s services provided for consultation time to deeply explain how I was misapplying my skills. He asked very thought-provoking questions and offered excellent insights to my answers. The thoughtful and productive dialog helped to reawaken my dreams of my future.

It was all very inspiring and very customized to ME. There were no platitudes to interpret, just deep insights into my existing coping approach to my life.

Once I’d internalized the lessons of my 360-Assessment, it was time to further my commitment to making smart decisions as my ‘Moment’ approached. Dr. Fleming and I met for five hours, and working honestly together, assembled the particular resources and information necessary to develop a strategy for the future.

In five hours, I went from thinking that I was ambitious, to recognizing the ways in which I was trying to be invincible – and alienating a lot of people in the process. I shifted my view that I needed to rise to a job opportunity, to realizing that I secretly wanted a new job to give me self-esteem. I switched from thinking that I needed to leave my ‘bad self’ behind, to understanding how important it was to actually embrace my vulnerable characteristics. And, for the first time in my life, I saw a pattern of apologizing for my uniqueness, instead of leveraging it.

And just to make sure this all wasn’t simply an intellectual process, soon to be forgotten amidst life’s demands and interruptions, Dr. Fleming showed me the substance of my vulnerabilities. In a concise but detailed report, I learned the toll that my work and home life stress had taken on my physical health. I saw the steps I repeatedly took to perpetuate my stuck-in-the-middle experience of life. I read about the ways in which my decisions were undoing opportunities to better my circumstances.

Accompanying this report, was an action plan encompassing completing a values assessment, maintaining a blog of my evidence "the myth of invincibility" in all areas of my life, and developing a clear model of change highlighting the pros of "staying the same" vs the cons of changing (the man I want to be).

That never happened with therapy, and it certainly never became clear with the motivational set. My ‘Moment’ is coming and unlike any other point in my life, I am armed with an arsenal of information and resources that are directly applicable. My next steps are clear and measurable and I have a new perspective – which is essential to preventing continued repetition of my same stuck pattern.

I can name my next level (although that’s too personal to get into here) and, I’ve been able to shift my views of things to see when I might be faced with a great opportunity, or being drawn into a losing proposition.

Too good. Period.

It’s been said that quick results often lead to quick deterioration. We’ve seen the fad diet reap its roller-coaster results on celebrities for generations. Get-rich-quick schemes carry the caution that most who get involved will earn little, and loose a lot. And therapists and gurus will say that trying to learn it all at once will mean forgetting a lot.

So, you might be wondering if this is just too good to be true. But ask any kid who’s tested out of a course or jumped a grade if amassing a lot of information quickly, if it was too good to be true. A leap past the ninth grade, for example, doesn’t mean that student will suddenly revert to being an eighth grader some day, right? It just means he or she was able to capitalize on their ‘Moment.’

My ‘Moment’ is coming, and with the help of Dr. Fleming, for the first time in my life, I am very much ready to become equal to the task.


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How would I act if I really wanted this?


Kevin gave me a lot to think about – not only as a result of our conversations, but also because he assigned me several excercizes and my reports to review.

For the holidays, my wife and I went to Cancun, Mexico to relax. I brought homework: I read ‘Loving What Is’. And, did The Work on a couple of issues – some of the most amazing stuff.

Another book I read while on break: The Now Habit, by Neil Fiore (http://www.amazon.com/Now-Habit-Overcoming-Procrastination-Guilt-Free/dp/0874775043) It offers a nice bridge between Loving What Is and Crucial Conversations, in that it prioritizes personal/family/fun time, and identifies ways to overcome blocks.

Then, I finished reading Crucial Conversations.

For the above, I took notes on the premise and methodologies. Together, all three books have created a chain of empowerment. ‘Loving What Is’ helps me to diffuse the self-generated stress in my life and relationships; ‘The Now Habit’ provides the tactical and logistical tools to plan for things accordingly – thus boosting my credibility and effectiveness; and ‘Crucial Conversations’ has given me the methodology needed to argue my position and not simply and automatically comply with every request.

That ‘chain’ has been a mind-blower, and in the early days after reading all three, I can really see how anxiety and avoidance has played such a huge part in my life. I can also see how needing to feel invincible has been my way of over-coming this problem, (but of course, this has all been happening unconsciously.)

Tonight, Kevin and I had a call to go over the Values Assessment. He said he’d never seen someone with three limiting values. THREE. “Like three cancers,” he said.

My need to be liked, my aversion to risk, and my need for power have all gone unchecked for the bulk of my life.

After reviewing everything, it became clear that I have another hard right turn to make. And it begs the question, If I really wanted this, how would I act?