Coping

Yesterday, I had a revelation that a big part of the reason why my marriage is still on the ropes is because I spent so much time 'indulging' in escapist fantasies, anger, & denial. I thought I was trying to fix things, but I couldn't if I was harboring so much and not cultivating any interest in rising above the issues in which I was participating.

When my wife and I met, we actively presented a picture of who we wanted to be. And, we only saw the most favorable parts in each other. She was my coping/escape from a very painful divorce and I was her escape from a bad breakup.

In May, a year later, when I was laid off from a plumb job, I tarnished my "successful at everything" image with her. We began to grow slightly apart and I dove into my day dreams. Instead of looking at things as they are - instead of being present - I simply attempted to cope.

Obviously, that's what I did throughout my 20's too - coped and escaped as I was reeling from a nightmare childhood. Naturally, that created a perfect scenario wherein I would meet my ex-wife and abandon any thought of pursuing truth.

Being fully present is my main focus now.

Reflecting on the above, this could be the first time I actually am here.