My wife and I continue to struggle with making time to
connect and be intimate on any level whatsoever. Recently, I asked her what she
needed to want to be closer to me and the conversation devolved into the usual
unproductive outcome of deflect, deny, delegate, delay. This is very
problematic, given my pay-cut and the choices I need to make - she won't agree
to reviewing the budget with me to make the much-needed cuts. We could quickly
go into a lot of debt.
Now, however, my understanding of my marriage has changed
from thinking that I needed to earn my way out of the "doghouse" to a
totally different paradigm entirely.
If my hunch is right (or some version thereof) I think
there's a new level of how I communicate and behave around her that is respectful,
vulnerable, productive and grounded in a way that I previously didn't
understand.
I happened to stumble upon a marriage help community post
that peaked my curiosity. Researching a bit further, I came across the
diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
Based on what I've experienced with My wife and in reading
the above article and other related articles, I see a strong match. Below are
items referenced matched with my relevant observations.
Signs &
Symptoms
o Hypersensitivity
to rejection and criticism
§ My
wife often shows this. I used to think it was only related to me, but I see the
same issues with work and our friends. She often gets weepy or shuts down
completely with any type of constructive feedback.
o Self-imposed
social isolation
§ She
is often "not up for" making plans with friends. "If you want to
take that on, go for it," she'll say. Then, however, she'll counter every
idea with a multitude of obstructions that start with, "I just worry
that..."
§ She
spends hours in bed with her phone vs. hanging with the girls and I downstairs.
She often disappears upstairs when we're all together eating or playing
games.
§ My
wife spent the better part of her teens in her room, with very little social
contact beyond grade school. All by itself, being a withdrawn teenager is
probably nothing, but I do wonder about how this affected her given the above
and below.
o Extreme
shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong
desire for close relationships
§ My
wife won't answer the door when the pizza guy comes. Wont explain why.
§ Plenty
of similar anecdotes shared from mutual friends over the years.
§ Wont
invest in our marriage and wont consider any feedback or input to improve it -
even on a selfish level.
o Avoids
physical contact
§ ample
evidence of this in our marriage as I've relayed ad nauseum here, but the same is
true for the girls and other family. She doesn't hug the girls or kiss them
unless I remind her to do so at times. She will return a hug, however.
o Mistrust
of others or oneself; exhibits heightened self-doubt
§ She seemed to doubt every point
being made. She often will ask "really???" even around the most basic
statements, such as the 'girls are home' or 'I'm going to take a shower'
§ She
wont go clothes shopping b/c she is too intimidated by all that could go wrong
with her choices.
§ She
basically ignores me when I tell her that I love her or say nice things about
her.
o Highly self-conscious
§ She
often points out her perceived flaws as if that's the only thing that defines
her. She disregards any compliments I make about her, directly or indirectly in
public.
o Uses
fantasy as a form of escapism to interrupt painful thoughts
§ Possibly.
My wife has had problems with watching tv late into the night or even the early
morning hours - despite having deliverables or important meetings for the next
day.
Causes
o Neglect
§ My wife's
dad didn't speak with her for almost 20 years, starting when she was about
eight years old.
o "Emotional Incest"
§ This is very possible. My wife's mother seems
to exclusively focus on the positive and ignore anything else. While she
initially comes across as a delightful person with a sunny disposition, it's
quickly apparent that there's no depth beyond the "good news." Over
the last 17 years, I've seen her dad be quite affectionate and flirtatious with
other women. Even my sister has felt "hit-on." It comes across
as harmless, if a bit creepy at times. Given the above context I do wonder what
things were like at home back when he was in his 40s. It could possibly explain
his motivation for putting such distance between them.
I really want to explore this further. I think the above could
be the "third way" forward for my marriage and our family. I can see how my past behavior has probably
been especially triggering to My wife. My heart breaks that it is possible she
is suffering in this way.
It does explain a LOT of her behavior and provides me with a
lens into what her M.O. might be - beyond my personal, subjective view, which
is kind of exciting, frankly. Because of that, I think there might be a new set
of expectations and ways of operating that could improve our marriage and help My
wife. I just don't want to hurt her any more - and I don't want to have
false expectations of what is "normal" for us. I also want the space
to thrive and be my authentic self without her feeling maligned, rejected or
triggered in any way. I want to somehow intercede in an appropriate way so our
girls don't feel emotionally neglected. I want her to understand that I am not
rejecting her or judging her. I want her to feel loved and nurtured and
supported.
I think the above could be the "third way" forward for
my marriage and our family.
