a note I sent to my wife

I understand that we have both been wiped out by this allergy season and I don't overlook that in any way. I am not writing this because of what happened last night. But then again I am
..

I guess I've become accustomed to this dynamic of feeling separated from you and you being disappointed in me.  All this time I was thinking I was right.

I just don't understand why you are such an enigma to me after being married as long as we have. To me it seems you pay so little attention to how you and I relate to one another, communicate with one another, and support one another.

I can't help but wonder if you'd actually read thus far, for example, but I'm being so honest with you when I say that I really don't know what good communication looks like between us beyond "professional" exchange of info.

I suspect we are here because it has to do with the fact that I have been a bad husband for many many years. I was not someone you could depend upon and in a lot of ways I am ashamed to admit that I was sort of like a third child who could help out on occasion, but who was not consistent or reliable. I'm sure you still think that. 

I guess our time together has taken its toll in other ways because it seems like you are in the some ways stronger and in others more pensive.

Maybe that's why I didn't understand why you are so dismissive, and in many cases insulted, when I gave you feedback about how you speak or the language that you use.

I take what you say very seriously and my feedback to you has been very consistent. I think and it is valid and grounded. I am not picking on you. Yet, you treat my comments as if they are not important and it defeats the entire purpose of our communication. It is totally counterproductive.

And so again I guess I am simply the screw up and you feel stuck with me and it's not worthwhile to spend extra time communicating when you know it's not going to be followed through or something and I guess... I guess I deserve that too.

I just wish that I knew all that before.

So basically the thing is,  what I said last night came from a place of desperation and surely was hurtful and painful. I regret that.

I was at a loss because you had a perfect optty to talk about your thoughts and impressions during our night out. Instead, you were silent. Maybe there's not much I can do to change that now.

Your behavior seems to indicate that you don't value me as a partner or a lover. I guess I have done a bad job of sketching out an initial vision for us. Of thinking that we'd turned a corner and that we were on the same page regarding the future of our marriage. I thought we would come back from Jamaica and steadily improve and support one another. Instead I see us returning to old habits as if we never talked. I guess 1 week of talking doesn't change 10 years of me letting you down, which is logical of course.

I just wish I didn't want to be close to you either. It hurts so much. I Love you so dearly and I guess I just thought that my attachment affection would override my faults. It's understandable that they didn't. I made thing s a lot worse by trying to cover up my pain with anger. It didn't accomplish anything except make you very good  at walking on eggshells.

I don't want you to have to keep "handling" me.

As they say let's just call a spade a spade.  I'll let go of wanting to be close and affectionate, but I will absolutely double down on trying to be more reliable.

Who knows maybe in a few years ill be worth connecting with. Probably not,  but at least our family will be together and that's what matters most.

I just want us to raise happy and healthy girls as I know you do too. And I want you to be happy too. I guess I can't make you happy like we both thought I could. But me backing off a bit could be a start.

I wish I'd been diagnosed w ADHD earlier. I wish I didn't drag you thru 4goodmedia. I wish I had been the husband we both thought I could have been for you. You trusted me once,  w your heart. You trusted me fully and I hurt you and betrayed you and let you down so many times it's actually kind of a small miracle that we're still together. I lash out and I get scary and violent. I don't follow thru. I'm a bad husband and you don't trust me and you have good reasons. I wish you would just come out w it instead of letting me think otherwise and think that I deserved more.  At least our expectations would have been more aligned.

I don't really know how to end this note. I could just keep typing 'I love you' over and over but that doesn't really carry much water i realize. All I guess I can really say is that ill never stop trying to improve and your happiness and the girls' well-being is very important to me. And for what it's worth, I'm very very sorry.