Should I enroll in AA?

Maybe there’s an AA – for Assholes Anonymous

For a while now, I have acknowledged my “assholeness”, but not the implications of that behavior. This week – and in the last few days in particular – I have come to understand a little bit more, the impact I have on others. I’ve been thinking about my former employees of my agency and about my wife. I keep remembering the little ways they tried to communicate that I was being unnecessarily defensive or controlling. I guess they weren’t so little ways, because my employees all left without much hesitation or loss and my wife… she’s basically a stranger.

I am very very sad and I am trying to not feel sorry for myself. I know what to do, but I just don’t know how I can summon the emotional temerity to face my family in the next 30 minutes.

I will walk off the boat, see them and resist the temptation to run over and give my wife a big hug and kiss. I will focus on the girls. I will let them consume my attention and I’ll smile at her and be nice and polite. I will ask lots of questions about them. I will ignore, or let pass, the things that I need and wish she would do: fight for me. Fight for us. Grab me and hug me and say she loves me and she misses me and we’ll have “us” time. None of that will happen. We’ll all load ourselves into the car she’s rented. The girls will ask questions and share stories randomly until they pass out. My sister will be full of anecdotes and tough questions about why I work so hard. I’ll answer them, but it wont matter. It wont change anything.

I’ll plug in my laptop and find a quiet place to type and finish up some work duties. I’ll think through ideas on what to do tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday. I’ll accidentally pass out where I sit and I’ll have a good excuse, which wont actually be necessary, b/c she’ll be relieved. She wont have had to deal with my neediness, my antics, my disappointment, my frustration.

Tonight will turn into the next night and the next and, as long as I am pleasant and present, I should be able to avoid hurting her. She’ll go off into that silent place and have the girls for company or her work or her stress or whatever she does with her phone late at night. She has friends and people who like her company. I… don’t, really.

Eventually, if I treat her with my best client management skills, she may learn to trust me, but that’s a long long way off, if ever. I just never thought I would sabotage this relationship like I have.  I really really wish I could do more than just get out of the way, but that’s all I know to do right now.

I’m just so fucking sad and remorseful. By the time I really get my shit together with my next round of therapy and exec coaching and meds, it’ll probably be too late. She’ll have moved on. But, I have no right to ask her to wait for me. I have zero idea how long my next set of improvements will take or how compelling or permanent those changes will be. She may actually have a shot at finding someone and I don’t want to get in the way of that. But at the same time I don’t want to encourage it, either. It’s a tough place to be, but I think it’ll happen regardless of whatever I have in my mind. I just want her to be happy and the kids to be healthy and well-adjusted. It would be so nice for them to have a better role model than me and to see a healthy and balanced relationship between their parents. I may add some sort of value from the sidelines, but it doesn’t really matter, I’ll be out of the way.

Honestly, I wish I could introduce her to that next someone. I’ve been thinking  that he could be looking for someone just like her. Maybe he’s a year or two younger than her.. that would give her and the family a fresh perspective and a fresh start. He’d obvi need to have his act together, but that would be easy to qualify right away. He'd have to have a sense of humor. He’d have to have lots of long-standing relationships and friendships, not the cut-up mess I've made of my connections. He’d need to have money and a passport full of recent stamps. He’d need to live in the south shore. He’d need to really want and respect her need for proximity, but also be able to encourage her out of her cave – not huff and puff like a freak, like I do.

He’d need to NEVER hurt her. He’d need to almost laugh at the mess we collectively made of our marriage because his ways was so much more intelligent, real, fun, and prosperous. It would resonate instantly as THE way to be in a marriage and she would equally realize the need to move on. He’d need to be local, handsome, fit, and he’d REALLY need to be have an equally intelligent, real, fun, and uplifting way to parent. He’d make mistakes and gaffs because I am not expecting him to be perfect – just a fuck of a lot better than me.