Doing Our Best

One of the most important tenants of DBT is acknowledging the fact that "we're all doing the best we can, with what we have." It's important, because it's so essential and yet so difficult to ... actually believe. 

When it comes to my wife, I haven't believed that at all.  But, she has only ever been consistent to regularly exhibit the following:

• Lost in her thoughts 
• interrupting me
• not sharing her feelings or motivation for doing things that repeatedly upset me.
• not thinking about what she's saying could affect me (i.e. pushing me away, without explanation )
• not asking about me or my feelings
• Taking things personally / being rigid
• get defensive when I express anything negative or potentially negative
• be very resistant to change of any kind
• being resistant / obstinate about collaborating with me
• showing eye-rolling and/ or the "death stare" when I try to hold her accountable for her actions 
• be very resistant / passive to anything spontaneous, regardless of how positive it may be
• be very resistant to shared process (i.e. meeting invitations, using a shared project management system)
• not show any affection unless it's been planned well in advance, like travel without kids, or a night out on the town, free from her 
• Not being proactive about improving her / our life in any meaningful way
• Not complimenting me, but ignoring me or mildly insulting me. then not really caring when I tell her about it. 

So it is pretty dumb to continue to think that she has some hidden ability to be more sexual and romantic and fun. She doesn't  - not with me, at least. 

I could wallow, get angry, try to escape into fantasy, fight her, or attempt to influence her, but those things would only be counter productive - as they have repeatedly been in the past. I could try to ignore how I feel when she behaves per the above, but that would result in my depression and withdrawal - as they have repeatedly been in the past.

So, I wont do those things, but I have no idea what the middle path looks like, precisely. I think it has to do with prioritizing all other aspects that nurture me. The byproduct could be that I am less threatening to her - and potentially more inviting. But that will only account for a minor and inconsistent improvement in her behavior. It's so amazing to me that she is so shut down, when I need her most. 

Needing her, the way I do, is the real issue. 

When I don't need her, and when I am feeling good about myself, we seem to be fine. When I am feeling lonely, sad, or upset about something, or when I am feeling super horny, I better not show that to her, b/c she'll take it personally and then I'll have several problems to deal with: 

• my hurt from the original issue 
• my hurt feelings from when she blows me off and shuts down. 
• her hurt feelings from taking my feelings personally
• her irritation/ hurt feelings from seeing me withdraw and shut down
• kids feeling the impact of our not being in a good mood and potentially having to deal with greater fallout

So, as I reflect on the above, she basically freezes when she's greeted with a surprise. I really don't know how to deal with that.