Getting back on the horse

As I walked through the park after my conversation with my coach last night, I was filled with appreciation of the beauty that surrounded me. The sun was setting, casting an amazing glow over the pond and gardens. On the foot bridge to my right, a violinist was playing a pleasant tune, and as people passed by, I could see they were smiling and enjoying the moment as much as I.

With our conversation still fresh on my mind, I had to ask myself, “is it childish to wish that I could enjoy this moment with my wife!??!”

For a couple of seconds, I found myself retracting my ‘I think I just gotta grow up’ statements, feeling frustration rise up in me. But then I thought deeper about it, and here’s where I am:

I think there are PIECES of me that are definitely ‘adult’. I like addressing problems for example; I like taking on more responsibility; I encourage those around me to share their honest thoughts about me. But, as I thought about our conversation on accepting things for what they are, I realized that there are choices I make that are, well, childish.

Again and again throughout my life, I’ve chosen to NOT accept things for what they are. I’ve been stubborn and resolute, denying the obvious. So, for example, instead of opening my eyes to my wife's change of behavior while we were still engaged, I held fast to the image I had in my head – the one where she was sweet and affectionate and full of regard for me. In work roles, I’ve held fast to ideal managerial and marketing principles, instead of acknowledging how things were really playing out day to day.

My lack of accepting things – particularly unpleasant things – is indeed childish, because it allows me to go on, not understanding how I am responsible in the ways that I am. I just argue with reality, “but that’s not fair!” like a little kid, instead of saying, “ok, this sucks, what am I going to DO about it.”

In that way, I think there is some truth to your assertion that I might be using therapy/self help as a crutch. As I reflect on my “therapeutic” past, I can see that I treated some painful issues as ‘non negotiables’, while on the other hand, making great progress in other areas. I used my compartmentalized progress as a way to affirm that I was evolving – and as a way to avoid dealing with certain things.

I do think that my executive coaching work has affected me deeply and VERY beneficially, and cannot be thought of as a drug. The 360 results, the asset report, the values work all have been like two strong hands forcing me to look at my actual reflection. The feedback I’ve received has shown me that I’ve cleaned up some messes.

So, what AM I going to do about it? Well, I think I ought to take the next 4-week chunk of time with my coach and work on the soon-to-be EX non-negotiables! I will be thinking more about this, and will be working on a list of things to discuss.