uh oh...

Lately, I'm feeling pretty lonely and alone.

There's so much to do at the office, and I'm wondering if I'm really fitting in here. My boss is not very approachable, but when I do receive feedback, it's nit-picky and 'constructive.' Often, her communication is one-way, and she doesn’t seem to care about where I'm coming from.

I can point to a fair number of mini-successes, however, and under my leadership, I think my team should be able to deliver a nice big "win" in terms of improving our operations, come late next week.

I never see my wife, but I've been thinking a lot about our relationship/marriage issues, and essentially I can see that she's been acting very entitled. Granted, she's pregnant, etc., but I can point to a several-years-long pattern of self-centered behavior in the face of repeated requests for emotional intimacy.

Essentially, I can trust her with everything except my heart. No amount of communication, attempted collaboration, or 'making it safe' has worked. When our marriage is strong, it's because I'm giving it my all, but getting very little or nothing in return. We do what she wants or she shuts down. I've resigned myself to this situation but I'm a little nervous about how that will impact our daughter. If I'd have come to this realization sooner, I would have left her, but it's absolutely too late now.

It could be a LOT worse, and I do love her. I don’t think I can bring myself to ever be physical with her again, or open my heart, but she's a nice, intelligent person who doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.

For some reason, I haven't been able to sum up the motivation to go to the gym (just joined a new one) or go to EnlightenNext events, and that's my spiritual fuel and a corner stone of my positive attitude. So, of all that I've mentioned above, me not taking care of me is the most worrisome.

Essentially, I chalk that up to feeling sorry for myself in the past couple of weeks, and I think I'm coming out of it - embracing the fact that no one is going to take care of me except me, and that I'd better do something about that right away. (I did go for a nice walk today - albeit to a mandatory work event).

In q4 of last year, and q1 of this year, I had a nice thing going with working out and EnlightenNext. I pretty much look at that as my personal formula for success. I know I'll return to that pattern in some fashion soon enough and I'll once again transcend life's little issues.

;)

After all, all that really matters is what I contribute. And, if I'm not taking care of myself, I can't contribute much.

Yes, the above is a little tough, but I know everything happens in cycles and I'm determined to evolve through this one.