Halcyon Days

Such a singular character am I, with my work obsessions and related anxieties. Consumed by a need to consume. Lost in it. lost in it.

It's been two months since my departure. Two months of relative ease - spending lots of time with my family and mending relationships. I have much to learn and far to travel still, in understanding how to have money AND a life.

Chartings one's own path is never easybut it does offer many mbenefits apart from sinful cupcates and stolen moments with a cup of coffee. It offers a kind of unusual abundance,k which I am tempted to force itnot the old work as hard as you can paradym.

My softness is coming back as well as a new type of dicipleine. Two months of not having to react to another's anxiety, of not worrying about being fired, of not needing to 'measure up' has been enourmously freeing.

The term Halcyon - considered for a business I'm starting - is all about peace and prosperity. The combination of those two things are so alien to me that I find them fascinating, and worthy of exploration.

I just watched two Woody Allen masterpices: Manhattan and Crimes and Misdemeanors. The two movies are such masterpieces containing layered characters engaged in meaningful and realistic plots lines. I remembered my lust foor the written word when I first saw them in my twenties. How the characters were all so well-read and interesting (if not purposefully shallow for their medium). How saturated with media I've (we've?) all become that I dont know any literary types. The classics are as out of fashion as disco. My influences are so limited. I wish to be so much more accomplished and capable than I am - not as a business person, but as a human being.

Yet the torture, the cosmic hegemony, is that I have to earn money and that I am burdoned with a paralyzing self-indulgent laziness that would cripple a bear. Where are my influences that will lift me up and keep me moving? Where is my reaching grasp that will find that something familiar and fascinating?

Art (books, music, painting) has always inspired me. hmmm