Not Again

After an idyllic, peaceful weekend with friends, my wife and I started fighting again. All the tension, heated words, yelling, hostile ignoring, and accusations came rushing to the forefront again. it was like no progress in our relationship had ever happened. All because of a TV show.

Here's the scene that did it. One of the married female characters in a drama we watch is sitting with new acquaintances around a table, drinking wine and chatting. Except for the main character, the women are all in their 60s and 70s. They're talking about their marriages and in particular,their sex lives, and laughing while describing how terrible it is to have sex with your husband. The main character plays along, but you can tell by the acting that she's sad about hearing this.

It seems barely forgivable to be triggered by TV show during a pregnancy that has been full of discomfort, hormones and fatigue. OK, it IS barely forgivable, especially since my wife has been brought to tears several times this past week.

I really should have kept it to myself until maybe a year or so from now, when we could resume thinking about the quality of our marriage. Given that we're weeks away from our second girl, it's definitely selfish of me to get all freaked out now.

Yet, I also think that I have to come to terms about the type of marriage that does await me. Based on what I've experienced so far, I can see that it wont be romantic or intimate. It wont be spiritual or full of shared enlighten experiences. And that makes me sad and dissolusioned. It will however, be very functional with solid organizational habits and well-thought-out plans that provide for our home, health, recreation, finances, and careers. As I reflect on Maslow's Hirearchy, there wont be any intimacy. There wont be any esteem. And, there certainly wont be any self-actualization.

It's like her growth is stunted. She's unable to focus on anything beyond safety, for some reason. Is it due to my behavior in some way? Do I scare her? I can't imagine that to be the only reason for her posture, since if she truly had needs beyond the safety tier, she'd look to have them satisfied in some way.

All my aspirations have been toward the higher tiers, forsaking the more pragmatic attitudes and actions of life. Now, as I get much more 'together' about myself our home, and our family, and completely let go of getting higher needs from my wife, I foresee an ironic twist to this story.

Perhaps by letting go of those higher needs and focusing on safety and family, setting a strong and positive example there, will inspire her to become more intimate and more enlightened. Doubtful, but who knows.