Everyone is dissapointed in me

• feels like there's no "bottom" to my life
• everyone is dissapointed in me - my wife, kids (4 and 6), work
• dont have a vision for how to move forward
• feels like my marriage is ending
• Im emotionally drained, stressed and exhausted
• My wife asks me for really simple things: dont leave messes, clean the kitchen, close the door when you leave
• I think I'm doing it, but my wife texted me that my four-yr old was talking with a road crew(!)
• Therapist says: you're not a terrible person. concoct a plan to stop leaving the door open. 
• But, I can't deal with the constant negative surprises of my poor performance. How can my perception and reality be so far off?  I dont have any real confidence in myself.
• Therapist says: work out a schedule with  yourself. These things happen. You're not a terrible person.
• I am dealing with a neurological disorder. I am brain damaged. 
• Therapist says: we all have something we're dealing with, that's some level of physiological. (i.e. bi-polar, etc).
• I want/ need a new way of operating. It is so hard to disappoint loved ones. 
• Therapist says: divide and conquer - share roles. 
• I dont participate and help out my family. I could be doing so much more, but I dont have a good influence on my family. being in control of my adhd requires more energy than I have for being a good influence on my family. My wife wants an equal partner to help her out, but I continually disappoint her. 
• She doesnt understand what I am really going through and so that's why we are growing apart. 
• She doesn't respect my views, b/c she thinks I am feeling sorry for myself.
• Therapist says: this is not a disaster
• My background and childhood put me in a situation where I had to claw and fight for everything I wanted - namely, to be a good father and husband and friend. But all this means that I am no where near what I wanted. So, now what???
• Therapist says: we all have dreams and have to deal with the changes. You're doing better than 90% of the population. And, probably better than your dad at this point. 
• I am totally convinced of my failure and fundamental damage as a human being.
• Therapist says: you are so interested in following every negative rat hole about you. Yet, your kids just want you to BE with them. 
• And they will all be dissapointed in me, no matter what I do. Multiple times a day. 

Down, but not out (?)

The last couple of weeks - really from mid July - have been a slow dwindling of connection between my wife and I. Actually, more than once, I've allowed myself to accept the fact that my marriage is really over.

I booked an appt with a lawyer (but didnt go). I took off my wedding ring. I carefully began to analyze my options for leaving. And then, I went upstairs and told her that I couldn't take it anymore and that I was leaving.

We spoke very little in the past week. Finally, yesterday, I said that at a time when we should be talking more, we were talking barely at all. We began a very awkward conversation which seemed to meander back and forth between accusations and honesty.

We left off that she was very insecure about many things - her body, career, communication, life plans, social plans, the house, etc.

I asked her what my weakness was, and she said the biggest was how poor my grasp of handling relationships and that it affected the marriage.

It's a major revelation, but I dont know really where that leaves us. I keep coming back to her take-it-or-leave it position as it relates to us...

HOW TO THINK; HOW TO ACT

I've looked at the patterns I follow in my actions - as well as the implications. The results is a series of insights and thoughts about how I should actually be thinking:

1. Plan out everything - day, project, implications/reactions

2. Emotions and thoughts are but a paper thin veil

3. Nobody gives a shit about how I think/feel

4. People just want my guidance, approval, or to get out of the way.

That means I should be driving the following actions, regularly:

1. Meditate and work-out (focus on great posture: lyingdown exercises, crunches)
2. Aggressively seek positive influences
3. Project a calm, confident mood - even in the face of outrageousness
4. Be beautiful, generous and gracious
5. Take good care of all my stuff
6. BE PREPARED; Take notes for all meetings; recap all meetings
7. create aggressive goals for all staff; hold them accountable. This is an agency filled with greatness. No exceptions.
8. Take leadership of my marriage; set context, shared strengths, weaknesses, goals.

1. 
   

My So-called Marriage

Holy crap.

Despite everything that I am experiencing professionally, my wife still wants to take a week-long vacation to Martha's Vineyard with the kids.

I said "no", she said "yes" and in a few days, she had everything booked and the future of our marriage was at stake. I just felt so frustrated and alone and left without any tools to create any kind of real progress between us. In the end, I took a look a the schedules and worked out a compromise wherein I would work some of the time.

I basically ended up working 30 or so hours during my 'week long' vacation.

She was furious and hurt and well, I already said it, but it's worth repeating: she was furious.

How is it that I can negotiate million-dollar deals but my own wife doesn't want to deal with me?

My So-called Assertiveness

I am beginning to see a strong pattern of essentially giving up too easily on what I stand for. Throughout my recent years, I've switched from being angry to being passive. I may raise an issue - in my marriage for example, but when agreements and next steps are not followed-thru, I resign myself to the status quo.

I've often talked about a 'prison' feeling, attributed to my job or a vague sense of being placed outside happiness somehow, forced to submit to rules or culture I dont connect with or agree with. I think the actual reality is closer to home: I am in a relationship wherein we dont agree to the same definition of marriage, and therefore find ourselves in frequent minor disagreements about little things. These little things, however, are emblematic of values I dearly embrace.

I've never made a big deal about this to her, yet I focus on that loss a lot of the time. Yes, she's being obtuse and not looking to see my larger point or trying to understand what I'm all about. BUT, I'm not standing firm on the things that matter.

Why I married

In an earlier post I talked about loving my wife. I'm fond of saying that I married for love, but I didn't, really. I mostly married out of dependence and desperation, I think.

I needed money. My business was barely paying me anything. I needed an emotional crutch. I had basically contrived a public persona and hoped it would attract ppl who would pay attention to me and make me feel good about myself. I needed to feel attached to someone who would make me forget that I didn't know myself. I was simply escaping from myself, and blinded by that as a result. I've been jamming all my emotional focus onto one focal point- being admired by a hot, sexual woman. Its a drug.

Later, that 'drug' was taken away from me (since my wife didn't participate) and so I raged like an addict going thru withdrawals.

If love is attentiveness + positive regard, then I think I didn't - and don't - truly love my wife.

Earlier, I posed a question about what to do if she showed feelings intimacy/ affection toward me, that's not the most important question. The most important and urgent question is how can I get to a place where I see things so clearly that I know just how to demonstrate love, as I've defined it.

By 'how' I mean how to prioritize and continue meditating. Sexual fantasies are too convenient to lose myself into. They allow me to forget about the overwhelming feelings I get when I acknowledge the bullshit life I have.

I wish I could say that my revelations have gotten me to a place of freedom, but I am still very much an addict.

What if i didnt love my wife

I was reading the huffington post about divorce. basically mentioned that divorce is result of marrying for love, being selfish re: cheating, neediness, turf wars, etc. Rest is criminal activity, drug addiction, chronic cheating - really bad stuff.

Thinking about whether or not i married for love. did i>? not really. married in a state of dependancy - financial, emotional, even professional. the entire time i've subconsiously delivered whatever goodness at least partially wanting something in return. sex, approval, admiration, etc

if i dont get sex, approval, admiration, then i rage or withdraw or fantasize and worse - i blame her for my feelings.

when i consider what love is, as i really understand its most noble definitions, it's positive regard, respect, and attachment. i've nailed the attachment part, but what about regard and respect? i'm not going to swing the pendulum all the way in one direction and actually claim that i didnt love my wife, because i do respect her and i do have positive regard for her. i cant say, however, that authentic respect and regard has been my primary motivation in my marriage.

that's mind-blowing and sad. it doesnt say very much about me.

In a recent wedding, the pastor said that marriage is not a contract, wherin if one or both the parties fails his/her obligation the agreement is dissolved. its an unbreakable covenant, a shared responsibility to foster and grow. if one party drops the ball, the other must pick it up.

i've been looking at my marriage like a contract, i think.

Harsh Reality

Several weeks ago now, I went to a weekend retreat wherein I learned that I am not what I think of myself, or who others say I am, or what my situation is.

By meditating deeply and listening to Andrew Cohen's ideas and teaching about his evolutionary enlightenment, I came to understand a little bit more about the ruse I've been living and trying to believe about myself. Cohen's ideas on meditation have to do with totally unlinking from the chatter and labels and rote definitions of things and deeply connecting with what he calls the "Ground of Being" - that which created everything.

By the end of the weekend, I was inspired to take responsibility for everything in my life. I now have a vision for just how to do that in a very logical way. And, I cannot take responsibility for my life, without seeing things - my marriage, for example - as they actually are. Meditation helps with that. It gives me an outside perspective on things, so I can witness what's going on. As if it were another person I'm watching.

The fact of the matter is that I am married to a woman who probably has never been in love - really in love, because she doesnt know how to share herself with someone else. She doesn't know how to help someone else open up. There can be no intimacy, therefore. And there can be no real communication.

I've come to this conclusion many times before, in varying states of anger, depression, etc., but now I see it without any agenda. I don't need to leave. I don't need to feel badly. I don't need to resent her or hurt her back.

I just need to keep taking responsibility for myself.

Admittedly, finally recognizing this pattern for what it is, has created a mixture of ... somewhat defiant feelings. I'm shut down around her and she senses it to a degree. I've also been upset and seeing who I am, really - my flabby, sickly, poor, scheming self has been a bit too much to take.

That's all not important now, however. I am moving forward as quickly and responsibly as possible to take responsibility and fashion myself into the person I know I can become. With meditation and focusing on cohen's principles,I dont feel stuck anymore. I feel free.

Going for it

There is so much to say and such little time.

On Saturday, we were supposed to have a nice day together, celebrating our seventh anniversary. It started off bad and got worse, essentially.

I began the day by working for an hour or so, then we left, driving north. We were both tense. I told her that I didn't feel her love. that I didn't see her passion. That I was tired of being lonely. That the only time she showed any love for me at all was when I was complaining.

Actually, the comment that started it all off was when I said that I had decided to get my intimacy needs fulfilled from other sources and she said, "so, does that mean you're going to start sleeping around." She was indeed trying to make a joke, but when I made it clear that I was irritated by her comment, the whole thing slid into the ocean.

She cried a lot. I openly and repeatedly debated the end of our marriage. We spent a lot of time in silence. And then we fought some more.

Finally well into the afternoon (I think it was like 3pm at this point), she got, in her words, "fed up." She said that I didn't listen to her as much as argue with her answers. She said that she loved me, I just didn't recognize it. She said that she often didn't feel close to me.

And so, it clicked for me then. If I am staying in this marriage - and I am - then I just have to suck it up and focus on loving versus getting. I just have to love her every minute of every day, like I did in the very beginning. Instead of the beginning, however, I have to focus on on loving her and not wanting anything in return.

It's going to be a transition, and I when I think about giving and not receiving, not getting sex or any type of physical intimacy, not getting away with lazy or sloppy behavior, my mind does sort of get fuzzy. But it's what I want to do and it's the only way to make sense of my pursuit for greatness and this marriage.

Now, instead of feeling weak about my marriage, I feel stronger.

My wife, on the other hand, has some other issues she's dealing with. My comments are still ringing in her ears and it's made her wonder, "where IS my passion??". She saw her therapist yesterday and he said that she needed to continue focusing on "becoming better," whatever that may mean, I guess. He also said that I cannot make her (or others) responsible for my crappy childhood.

And so, I let go of my angry victim life and embrace a life of loving self-sufficiency and altruism. I definitely need to think about this a LOT more...

Dummy

I have no doubt made my life much more difficult by not accepting the nature of my marriage and by blaming my wife and my upbringing for being in the most intimate of situations - a marriage - and not actually having any intimacy.

The past year has been a slow decent into begrudging acceptance of my life and my marriage.... a slow realization that things may change, excruciatingly slowly, at a pace that keeps us together and still miserable.

Maybe the final straw in my path toward actually accepting my marriage and wife for what they are (which, is after all, my goal) came this past week. An old flame, politely flirting with me(or maybe it wasn't flirting at all) via email, came down hard on the idea of every seeing each other. "I don't see the point, Eric."

I guess, sadly, I was being lulled into the idea of ...dare I say it in writing???... cheating.

I don't know where things would have headed and believe me, I'm grateful for her strength and now painfully aware of the lack it in me. Despite the fact that it was all very polite and jokey, I overstepped something very important.

Now what?

I guess I have few options, but after thinking / meditating about it for a while, I realized that while I've prayed for strength and vision and wisdom and so forth, I've never actually prayed for a good marriage. At least I cant remember doing so, anyway.

Praying for a good marriage, however, sort of feels like praying to love a cloudy season and brings up a host of emotions which aren't exactly productive. Because the only reality is that I am indeed married with two beautiful daughters and these are people I care about very much.

My new manifesto

Here’s the deal: my whole adult life has been full of the wrong kind of compromise. I've been afraid to move my life forward; I've been too indulgent to take on healthy habits and relationships; and I'm often about taking the easy/lazy way out.

My marriage, despite lots of threats and conversations, and random (if little) signs of improvement, is not going to be the passionate, loving 'group hug' I was looking for.

Based on what I've learned over the past few years and from reading Conversations with God, here's where I now stand on my life:

The ego will command whatever machinations are necessary (lying to others and one’s self; cheating, finding quick-fixes and short-cuts, stealing, pretending, or actual hard work in some cases) to achieve being important, being the center of attention, being the hero, not changing, being perfect. The ego is always about being right.
Being connected to God is about accepting things as they are, about witnessing life and relationships for what they are (not what you want them to be), and about becoming more of who you are designed to be in this world.

Here are some other things I’ve learned from Conversations with God:
1. There is no “us” and “God”. We are all connected as parts of Him. He did not create us from nothing. God created us from Himself. I am a part of God and therefore capable of much much more than I’ve ever realized.
2. There is the Great Nothingness and God. There is more of the Great Nothingness.
3. Thoughts combine into feelings, which combine into Actions. In order to experience desirable actions we must experience them, then have feelings, then have thoughts. Trying to think our way into change is impossible.
4. “I am” statements are the most powerful creative force in the Universe
5. The Universe responds with what you project. All ways.
6. Relationships are for making a contribution to helping each party become excellent at being themselves – not for needs gratification/fulfillment. Staying together for a lifetime is much less important, because such life-long relationships are often confining and filled with obligation and conformity, which is the opposite of what God wants.
7. I wish, I want, etc are statements of lack
8. Fear-based thinking and actions and feelings are supported by the Great Nothingness, and therefore are more powerful.
9. Be the change you want to see in the world. If you want to be successful, find out what successful people do, and do that. That’s your responsibility.
10. Yesterday and tomorrow are not as important as what you DO, Now.
11. God is much more interested in experiences that help Him know Himself for what He is.
12. Meditation is the way to reduce the grip of the ego on oneself
13. We are creation machines, designed to bring about whatever we decide – good or bad.

So, when we think of changing, we often start off with the wrong question, namely “How can I do that?” Such a question is egotistical. It is saying ‘how can I not change, but also adopt that behavior with out any inconvenience?’ Impossible question, usually.

Perhaps the right question is, “How is it done?” Then do that. If it is being done, you can do it. I think that's the MO of Tim Ferriss.

The New Normal

In the weeks since putting everything on the line, I've seen my wife try in her way to find answers to why she's so uncomfortable with being intimate with me.

I certainly can appreciate the situation she's in - she has challenges coming from so many angles. I also can appreciate that she has to take her own path of growth/learning when it comes to our marriage.

I just wish I could chill out and be patient and give her the space she needs. That's my major challenge and I really struggle with it. As I said to her this weekend, for years I expected she to finally 'get it' and connect with me on a deeper level and want to have a healthy sex life together. I feel like my expectations - as much as they create frustrating and tumultuous emotions - were all I had to hold onto for our future together. Now, those expectations are falling away, being replaced by . . . I don't know what . . . resignation? acceptance? Whatever the case, it feels like I have to settle into the one thing I was always afraid of - a sexless, emotionless marriage; it's like giving up, and I need to figure out a way to get over it.

Now what?

It is only slightly less painful and confusing to have the 'high road' during a marriage crisis. And so, I guess I am slightly less pained and confused than during other times throughout my life where my romance or marriage was on the line.

After I sent the email in my prior post, my wife and I discussed it. Despite dozens of times trying to explain how my intimacy needs were not going away and I needed a stronger emotional connection with her, she finally got the message. She understood this was a serious issue.

She didn't understand that it was an urgent, serious issue. I guess I didnt either. After 10 years of trying to tell her about this and struggling with all the self-destructive habits and fantasies, I became exhausted in many senses of the term. Basically, I went to sleep on Friday and woke up this morning, Sunday. I realized that nothing was going to change. This is my life.

No intimacy with my wife.

I've always sorta known that was the case, but I fought the very idea of it in every way possible. It began to sink into my head as I described what would be required of my wife, to reverse this painful pattern.

"You'll need to be adventurous. You'll need to spear-head this thing and learn new ways to connect with me and to be comfortable with that, first. I want to support you and encourage you and give you feedback, but you need to take the lead because with me in front, our efforts have failed. You'll have to take responsibility for the the notion of intimacy in our marria...." I burst into tears, realizing how unlikely those characteristics and actions were for her. We'd push on, but there was no solution.

She came over to comfort me and I said "we're not going to make it, are we?" Of course she denied that.

But here we are, and after a week (yes, I know only a week- and a busy one at that) I see no indication from her end that she will try to learn or grow and take on more responsibilities. I guess after such an articulate and emotional discussion, I was hoping she would have said something about her willingness and interest to learn how to connect deeper with me.

As I mentioned in this morning's conversation, it would have only taken her about 90 seconds to think of the words and say them to me. The more we talked, the more surreal it seemed - ironically how real this situation is.

I guess I just always thought it was all or mostly in my head and that I was being a big baby or something. Yet, as I pointed out situation after situation and she agreed with each, it became obvious that I was very right to be upset.

Now I begin a time wherein I embrace the idea that I am in a platonic and distant marriage - my worst nightmare.

The Struggle

Here's a note I wrote to my wife, below. We did discuss it briefly, but weekend plans and the kids have kept us from really getting into it on any level. She finally has acknowledged the need to look at the intimacy we have (or lack thereof) but understandably doesnt really have a plan yet.

I find this so scary and unsettling, b/c while the following issues have gripped my attention over several years, I always could rely on a constant: that I was on my own and the outcome of my struggle couldn't even be imagined. Basically, I got used to waiting. Now that she finally seems to understand, I wonder when/how we'll recover from the pattern of distance and resentment.

Hi

I am struggling with some painful thoughts and feelings and before I become too wrapped up in them, I wanted to use email to explain what’s going on with me.

In last night’s cleanup I was struck by a comment in my old journal that read, “I saw this marriage as a way to have deepening intimacy and closeness, but She doesn’t seem to want that.” It was dated 10/27/03. Several weeks ago, I began telling you that I missed being close with you and wanted to have some quality time. Yet, you seem to have zero interest in that despite several opportunities presented.

For six years, I have been struggling with feelings of being blocked from a deeper relationship with you and I have tried everything – denial, rage, fantasies, negotiation, discussion, acceptance, and several different variations on those – to overcome the block. I’ve failed every time, but gratefully have learned a lot about myself, which has made me a better husband, I’m sure.

We’re a lot more comfortable that we were six years ago, and we know a lot more about each other and ourselves that we did back then – but at what cost? Unfortunately, when I think about our history, I cannot help but see the montage of fights, tears, and angry silences. Hopefully, with this email as a start, we can break that pattern once and for all.

To be honest, however, there are solid reasons for you not wanting to have a deepening relationship of intimacy with me. I’ve been very slow to take on responsibility. I’m in my own world a lot of the time and don’t listen to you or remember what you say like I should. For a while now, I’ve been kinda slovenly and out of shape, which makes me less physically attractive. I let my work stresses interfere with our personal time. My changing behavior, which can be described as maturation, is also a bit alienating and threatening, probably.

Whew! That’s a lot.

There are also solid reasons for you to actually want to intimate with me, and they involve my romantic nature, my character, the growth I’ve exhibited consistently over the years, our shared sense of humor, as well as dozens of smaller and larger events and qualities that make it clear that I am to be trusted and loved.

I bring all this up, because my emotional and physical intimacy needs are not being met in our marriage and that could spell big problems for our family. I cannot surrender my needs to

As I objectively look at your behavior in relationship with intimacy, I see the following:

- Always a reason NOT to be close (tired, sick, the kids, stress, me, don’t feel like it)

- Never admitting your mistakes - deflecting, reverse blaming, denying, etc.

- Not able to empathize with my situation/feelings

- Proximity is “closest” you can get

- Take most things personally, versus objectively, so very difficult to make ANY progress on relationship issues – or issues I have with you directly.

- Was attracted to me, b/c I could be your proxy for socializing.

- (Getting better (Jenna) but most of your life have had no close friends to tell secrets to

- You spent 10 years in a romantic relationship that suffered from the same lack of intimacy I’ve indentified in our marriage.

- You have a hard time ‘letting go’ and having fun

I have to say that there are no more fixes I can make on myself to improve our marriage more than incrementally. The changes I’m currently making to myself and this household will pretty much wrap up my weaknesses and bring us to a new baseline of functionality. Our lives will surely improve, as they have over the last several years.

But we wont be any closer. They'll always be interruptions and the kids' needing us, etc.

As I began to put the pieces of the above patterns together, I realized that the Internet might help me with some possible answers on how to move forward. I have to say that this realization is a big step for me, since I often simply get angry and stuck when I reflect on the many items that prevent us from being closer in our marriage.

After spending waaaay too much time on search engines, I think I have a clue. It appears that you might be struggling with a mild case of something called Avoidant Personality Disorder:

- Avoidant Personality Disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by a lifelong pattern of extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and sensitivity to rejection.

- Personality disorders are long-lived patterns of behavior that cause problems with work and relationships.

o Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval

o Has no close friends

o Reluctant to become involved with people

o Avoids activities or occupations that involve contact with others

o Shy in social situations out of fear of doing something wrong

o Exaggerates potential difficulties

o Shows excessive restraint in intimate relationships

o Holds the view that they are socially inept, inferior, or unappealing to other people



- The cause of avoidant personality disorder is unknown. People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful to these individuals that they will choose loneliness rather than risk trying to connect with others.

- There are several differing views on treatment, but in my opinion, it seems that a combination of skills building, cognitive therapy, and maybe some mild antidepressants would be the solution, but I’m not therapist or expert. That’s just the various solutions I’ve seen

The trouble with this email – and our predicament – is that the very thing tools and perspectives that would help you overcome this issue are the very ones that have been stifled by this issue.

Hopefully you see the above as a massive gesture of love and an effort to productively move our marriage out of the up and down pattern we’ve suffered over the years.

When the kids nap, maybe we can talk this through? All I want is the very thing you fear most. What could go wrong?

rising above?

For several years now, my wife and I have been struggling with several rather significant issues on a personal, social, relationship and spiritual level. According to her, these many issues distract and discourage her from being more close to me. Some things just prevent relaxing, others are more serious and represent a poorer reflection of me.

We've tried all the common sense approaches to resolving them such as trying my way or hers, ignoring it, and trying to combine our individual approaches into something productive. Nothing's worked and we continue to carry these unresolved issues like annoying ailments that one acquires with old age. time passes and you're immobile, discouraged, and have essentially compromised yourself into a tiny corner, living in a sheltered and stifling place.

Another complication, logistically speaking, is the birth of our second daughter, which has kept us chained to a very limited schedule. (She's so wonderful and we love her very very much, so talking about her in this way is totally slanted and not representative of my complete feelings, of course. ) Anyway, given our experience as parents, we're ready to lift our heads from the day-to-day (or should I say minute-to-minute) existence and look a the bigger picture.

We had a very nice and impromptu conversation yesterday and identified the following major issues in our relationship:

1. Finances - easy budget and filing, reporting
2. Home organizing (closets, laundry, cleanliness/sloppiness)
3. Clothing storage ( seasons and kids)
4. Dressing for body type and style
5. Physical health /fitness;vegan love.
6. Laziness
7. intimacy in all its forms (at one point in time, or continuing)
8. Social "management" of events, friends, etc.
9. Home decoration

We agreed to tackle each of these, one by one, to identify the resources we need (e.g. books, videos, consultants, workshops, etc).

How cool would it be for us to just nail these?? How close would we become? How much more respect would we have for one another?

coming and Going

The nature of this blog has been to chronicle my journey from mediocrity. While I have generally done a mediocre job of that so far, I can provide some perspective now.

First, some time ago, maybe 3 or so years, I decided that I really wanted to commit to having a 'loving and passionate marriage'. It's a mantra of mine, even though I haven't had a clue how to achieve that. I was in the dark, frustrated, lost, angry, resentful, hiding. I used to say to my wife that I wanted intimacy and I would say to myself and others that I wanted intimacy, also. Until recently, I always thought of intimacy as a physical expression.

Now I think intimacy has stages and paths .... degrees and styles or something. I think that intimacy is expressed by degrees of vulnerability, but it is also perceived by actions, not just words in a close conversation. We send and recieve signals all the time about whether or not it's ok to be intimate, and to which degree. And, because this is usually happening in secret with the heavy influence of emotional lessons (right or wrongly) learned from our experiences, that perception is complicated and complex. it's so easy to be ships passing in the night on so many issues with so many different types of people and relationships.

Anyway, that lack of information is vastly better than the way I've objectified and stereotyped people throughout my life. That's gotten in the way of being more deeply connected in my marriage.

My wife's approach to intimacy is informed by an absolute lack of it in her family and romantic relationships prior to meeting me (from what I can tell.) that's another story, of course.

Second, I've made a commitment to living my values for perhaps the first time ever in my life. It's totally liberating and yet daunting, of course. The past new months have been a balancing act of altruism and affluence, piety and passions, honesty and privacy, vision and action, beauty and basic execution.

There are a few examples of this commitment - I stopped swearing recently. I've devoted my career to the development of my marketing agency, which plainly states my values, and (this is embarrasing) I've stopped connecting and fantasyzing with porn. Porn is just damn evil. It ties into the objectification stuff above.


Third, I've stopped eating meat and dairy alltogether.

BUT

I'm not really good at any of the vegan-eating, authentically-intimate, abundantly-holy, superfit lifestyle I'm trying to create. I'm carrying an extra 20-30 pounds of flab, maybe more. My business isnt making any money yet. My wife and I have a lOOooooooong way to go before we have a comfortable intimacy. I still indulge in jacking off and fantasying about being some kind of universal hero. I'm still selfish a lot of the time. I'm still confused about a lot of things

But

I'm starting to develop a vision of what I can become and how I make a contribution to the lives of my girls.

It is kinda cool to

xxx watch is watching

Today, I succumbed to temptation, surfed some porn and masturbated like a stupid little monkey.

I am committed to removing this from my habits. So, I downloaded the free software, which will drop a dime on my behavior should I do it again. I am disappointed in myself and saddened by my failure to follow through. But, I wont let myself fall down permanently.

I did realize that maybe I got 'horny' and I struggled against the urge for a while, but I ultimately gave in. Later, I realized that I may have been facing another conflict - the one between actually working and resting. I was so tired in the morning from yet another poor night's sleep, that I really didnt feel up to sitting at my computer and typing for several hours. I limped through some stuff, but I was just dog-tired. Can someone be passive-aggressive toward themselves?

In retrospect, I should have just listened to my body, and either took a nap and worked out or something. I would have overcome the urge and taken pride in two successes. Instead, I felt absolutely terrible for betraying God and my promise to him.

In the movie Missionary Positions - another awesome Christian flick (this one's a documentary) they talk about the addiction ppl face regarding porn, and have a free app, called 3x watch, which essentially grabs the web browser file and emails it to an accountability buddy. I downloaded it.

When my wife came home and saw me chilling on the sofa, she noticed a funny look on my face and asked what I was feeling. I honestly spilled the beans. She didnt really mind and noted that if we had a better relationship she'd feel more comfortable having sex with me. 'you wouldn't have to do that if we had sex, and I know that I cant do stuff (recovering from the pregnancy), but I still could do stuff to you... but I just, I just don't feel comfortable at this point," was how she put it.

Later that night, we talked about it more and really there wasn't much more to say, except that I've been a selfish jerk to her - even as I proclaim to want a healthy and happy marriage.

May God forgive me for my actions and help me understand how to remove porn and sexual fantasies from my life.

Notes from the Ivory Tower

No real preamble here, I'm just going to blurt out that I am a selfish bastard.

I now realize that I began placing a price on the love and attention I gave to my wife pretty early on. I would do nice things, say nice things, generally be a nice guy...and then... after a few weeks, I'd tally my contributions and get frustrated that I'd not been treated in kind.

Sad. As in, pathetic.

I kept thinking about the 'have faith in me' whisper, and then, well, my wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. There is so much more to say about that, and I will, but for now, let's just say that I got my first whiff of my new priorities.

Soon after, I saw a movie called Fire Proof. Instead of a bad Quentin Tarantino movie, it was about a husband who was struggling to stay married to his wife of a few years. He goes through this very difficult journey to rescue his marriage, despite being ambivalent about wanting to STAY married. The journey is marked by a 20 day series of sacrifices and meditations that are designed to overcome his wife's resentment - and growing interest in another guy.

The movie has a happy ending, but was not cheesy at all (ok, a couple of minor cheesy parts, but the message overwhelms that). The biggest message that rang in my ears is that God loves us unconditionally - despite the fact that we turn away from Him often. And, to be more like God, we too, should love unconditionally, despite what comes of our actions.

Wow.

A lesson for me as a husband and father, for certain.

I struggle with selfishness and intelligent self interest and I struggle with taking care of my family and giving to others. I want nothing more than to have a passionate and loving marriage and to have a family that is full of love, light and prosperity. Tough order. Yet, I know it can happen by having faith and looking for ways to be unselfish - even in the tiniest of moments.

I think that's the next big thing to focus on - how to just be totally unselfish with my wife and family.

Have Faith in Me

The last few days have been very difficult for me, and probably for us. After a lengthy conversation a couple of weeks ago and then intermittent conversations since, it's clear that the marriage I always wanted - and was convinced I was going to have - is not possible right now.

Instead of the usual anger and drama, I am doing my best to be kind, supportive, and distant. It's terrible.

Today I woke up praying for some sort of positive outcome, and in the drive to daycare, I heard a voice say 'Have Faith in Me'. I have no other idea what to do next.

charting my course

As I awaken from the slumber and confusion of the last 20 or so years, I can see that I'm all over the place in my thinking and actions. I have a general sense and sensation of being way more together and happy, but I also struggle with unresolved issues of my lack of follow-through regarding my personal health and well-being, as well as my marriage.

I know I need to be patient and softer with myself. It's easy to look back at my aspirations and be frustrated by my weight, use of free time, etc. Yet, I think this weekend can present opportunities to finish my book on how to be a better vegetarian, and that will be a significant accomplishment. As well, I can visit my home to-dos file and probably nail a few of the minor issues and maybe make progress on some of the major ones.

As for my marriage, I think the next few weeks leading to the birth of my second daughter will be tough - as tough or tougher than the last few weeks. Such was the case with daughter #1. I predict that we'll be so busy and overwhelmed with baby and daughter duties that we'll not even have time for 'relationship issues'. Then, however a couple of years from now, with so much time not being romantic at all, and with a lot more time on our hands, I fear the worst may happen to us. At that point, I'll be fully responsible for myself and my family, be making a LOT more money, and generally be a lot more evolved than I am now. My wife will have no excuse to be holding back her affections, attentions, and other intimacies and our different paths will be painfully obvious.

Sure there are several things I can be doing in the meantime, and my obsessive optimism will surely rise to the occasion. That much I know. I just wish I had some sort of vision about how we could possibly have a happy romantic life together. It just doesnt look possible at all, at this point.