I am only a being

I came into adulthood as an impostor; a person with a great need to feel love and prevent the many attacks from the many bullies in his life.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I basically created a character who was like Bill Murray, Errol Flynn, Steve Martin, and a mish-mash of other famous people. Fueled by a crazy amount of nervous energy, I quickly turned a life of pain and suffering into a life of popularity. I was a must-have at parties, b/c of all my antics.

Later, I tried to create characters for my career, since that's the only way I felt confident in navigating adulthood. I created a kind of Michael J Fox meets Gordon Gecko Jr, meets Tom Hanks (80's version). I failed at my career numerous times. Again and a again, I was fired, laid off, and/or marginalized. Often, I would quit a job after only a few months, because it was a great way to prevent getting fired. I was great at getting hired because I knew all the right things to say. And, I knew my potential employers were desperate to get that position filled.

Throughout my adulthood, I took these characters I'd created and displayed them for the women in whom I was interested. Again, I knew what to say and how to act because I often chose women who were desperate to feel love. As desperate as I was.

I'd throw myself into porn or drink or new people to keep the characters alive.

The past couple of years has taught me that the upkeep of those characters is very exhausting and debilitating. Since March of '09, I've been home, trying to build a business and focusing on the kids. Since August of '07, I've cut back all socializing so I could help out with the kids. So, for three years, it's been home, work. Since I haven't needed the characters to protect me or get me love, I've allowed them to drift - even actively pushed them away, in my pursuit of what's real.

Coming to terms with my various incompetencies has been tough, but its also felt like "chemotherapy" for my real personality, buried under years of faking. I am not a sexual being, I am not a careerist, I am not a comedian, I am not popular. I am just a being, learning about itself.