I am only a being

I came into adulthood as an impostor; a person with a great need to feel love and prevent the many attacks from the many bullies in his life.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I basically created a character who was like Bill Murray, Errol Flynn, Steve Martin, and a mish-mash of other famous people. Fueled by a crazy amount of nervous energy, I quickly turned a life of pain and suffering into a life of popularity. I was a must-have at parties, b/c of all my antics.

Later, I tried to create characters for my career, since that's the only way I felt confident in navigating adulthood. I created a kind of Michael J Fox meets Gordon Gecko Jr, meets Tom Hanks (80's version). I failed at my career numerous times. Again and a again, I was fired, laid off, and/or marginalized. Often, I would quit a job after only a few months, because it was a great way to prevent getting fired. I was great at getting hired because I knew all the right things to say. And, I knew my potential employers were desperate to get that position filled.

Throughout my adulthood, I took these characters I'd created and displayed them for the women in whom I was interested. Again, I knew what to say and how to act because I often chose women who were desperate to feel love. As desperate as I was.

I'd throw myself into porn or drink or new people to keep the characters alive.

The past couple of years has taught me that the upkeep of those characters is very exhausting and debilitating. Since March of '09, I've been home, trying to build a business and focusing on the kids. Since August of '07, I've cut back all socializing so I could help out with the kids. So, for three years, it's been home, work. Since I haven't needed the characters to protect me or get me love, I've allowed them to drift - even actively pushed them away, in my pursuit of what's real.

Coming to terms with my various incompetencies has been tough, but its also felt like "chemotherapy" for my real personality, buried under years of faking. I am not a sexual being, I am not a careerist, I am not a comedian, I am not popular. I am just a being, learning about itself.

A Deeper Commitment

So much of my past has been filled with fantasy. At the time, I believed I was 'creating a vision' or willing something my way, but the reality is that none of that behavior was very moral.

As part of this approach, I would escape into violent fantasies and long, drawn-out masturbation rituals that I would use to make my sexual fantasies more real. The sex fantasies were typically fueled by porn, but I was also good at just making stuff up.

I would oscillate in and out of this behavior for years. I'd get too caught up in my fantasy life and feel gross and silly, so I'd put it away for a while. I'd focus on healthy activities, like being organized, meditating, being more social, etc., Then, I'd want a break from what felt like thankless obligation and dip back into my lustful or violent fantasies. Thankfully, I never combined the two.

I remained like that for years until I recently decided to deepen my faith and commit my life to God. About a year ago, I began a kind of meditative prayer that revealed a lot of things about the world and myself to me. Unsurprisingly, I let that patter wain in favor of my indulgent fantasies. It made an impression, however, of a new way of operating - I was way more confident, less stressed, and a lot more loving.

When I saw "Fire Proof" [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireproof_(film)]it opened my eyes to my on-again, off-again relationship with God and how unfair that is.

Right now, I carry a light load. I dont feel the burden of my commitment yet. When it gets heavier, I know I will feel the strong temptation to return to blissful ignorance and selfishness. I just hope my faith remains strong and that I continue to pray everyday. It's my only guard right now against my oscillation.

Gimme Three Steps Mister

Today I wanted to wake up, make a legitimate attempt at meditation, and exercise a bit.

I knew I didnt have the week planned out very well. And, probably to avoid some anxiety about due dates stacking up, Instead, I slept in a bit, went to work later than I wanted, and had a generally mediocre day.

I wish I could just take 10 days off, and get my house prepared for the baby (due August 2nd) and get my head around Turquoise. That's not realistic, and I need to just get back to managing my time better. Balancing this stuff is essential to fostering my commitment to evolving into a more enlightened person.

I'll have to really embrace the fundamentals that I've laid out before me: time management, exercise, assertive conversations, mediation, if I want to actually become.