Maybe my goals are too lofty in that I was hoping regular mediation would actually create an abrupt and positive transformation. I was also hoping that I would engage in meditation every day.
I'm not and the list of things I was inspired to take responsibility for just sit in a list. I also am left with the lingering notion that it would be both ok and possible to have an invigorating affair. I allow myself to escape into a kind of knowing fantasy of escape - one part of me just wanting the ego-goodie of feeling imaginary affection and attention - the other part knowing full well that whatever movie I play in my head is total bullshit.
I'm resentful that I have to change and letting my compulsions have their way with me and I'm wasting time....wasting time.
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