Why I married

In an earlier post I talked about loving my wife. I'm fond of saying that I married for love, but I didn't, really. I mostly married out of dependence and desperation, I think.

I needed money. My business was barely paying me anything. I needed an emotional crutch. I had basically contrived a public persona and hoped it would attract ppl who would pay attention to me and make me feel good about myself. I needed to feel attached to someone who would make me forget that I didn't know myself. I was simply escaping from myself, and blinded by that as a result. I've been jamming all my emotional focus onto one focal point- being admired by a hot, sexual woman. Its a drug.

Later, that 'drug' was taken away from me (since my wife didn't participate) and so I raged like an addict going thru withdrawals.

If love is attentiveness + positive regard, then I think I didn't - and don't - truly love my wife.

Earlier, I posed a question about what to do if she showed feelings intimacy/ affection toward me, that's not the most important question. The most important and urgent question is how can I get to a place where I see things so clearly that I know just how to demonstrate love, as I've defined it.

By 'how' I mean how to prioritize and continue meditating. Sexual fantasies are too convenient to lose myself into. They allow me to forget about the overwhelming feelings I get when I acknowledge the bullshit life I have.

I wish I could say that my revelations have gotten me to a place of freedom, but I am still very much an addict.