leaving it all behind

my aunt died last week. she was 87 years old.

I expected it as I'd been hearing how sick she was with Alzheimer's, cancer, and various other ailments. She was in a lot of pain and my cousins, all now in their 40's and 50's, all made it clear they were expecting it, too. Her departure.

And then I got the call that she had passed and it struck me surprisingly deeply that I was shocked at the level of grief I felt. When folks say I am sorry for your loss, they are right. It was indeed a loss.

She raised six kids practically on her own as her husband traveled frequently on business. She was a teacher for 20 years. She taught CCD for many of those years and more. She delivered food to shut-ins. She donated her time, effort (and undoubtedly money) to several non-profits and charities throughout her life. She was well-read and could recite poems and quote from literature.

And through it all, when it wouldnt' have been surprising to hear a normal person complain or be grumpy or any number of completely human and yet some how disappointing emotions, she was cheery and hopeful and genuine and gracious and honest and loving and unsentimental.

She simply stood as a woman who was always interested in being the best she could be.

During her eulogy, I was struck by how I would never know her. How I would never be able to experience her example, and that I was partly responsible for that fact because I had always avoided them out of a sense of inferiority. I now understand why, better than ever.

I couldnt help but process her poignant eulogy with the understandable grief that one would feel, naturally. Buti couldnt help but process it also as a life lesson.

It was like she was teaching me even in death. I am grateful because I feel like she gave me a huge gift.

I realized that I'd been pursuing truth and feeling betrayed and not accomplishing 1 one thousandth that she had by my age. I realized, not only in her example, but the way her children had internalized and shown that example in their actions and decisions. It was like proof upon proof of what I need to do.

What if I quit feeling into my emotions so much? What if I stopped waiting to be treated with whatever fantasy I've been cultivating? What if I gave up rage, fantasy, indulgence, bitterness, hyperfantazing, guilt, sexual fantasies and well... all of it. All of it.

What if I simply focused on giving, loving, accomplishing, and leading?

Why dont I just focus on motivating my employees versus yelling at them? Why dont I just focus on being a good husband and father versus trying to play whatever game will get me laid the most often?

Time to be amazing.