Planning My Next Steps

The past couple of days have been better. To place that in some sort of context, I've basically been sleeping for days on end and feeling basically overwhelmed and stuck.

So, when I say that I visited with friends and shaved, I am talking about a transformation.

As I broaden my perspective of my situation, I basically see that the marketing industry continues to grow based on VC funding for technologies which essentially seem to allow for rapid (scaleable) adoption of automation technologies which eliminate human error, time, and confusion. A secondary and related level seems to be such technologies which allow for detailed tracking and reporting, but those seem to be less exciting by comparison.

Tomorrow, I'll investigate this broad pattern further to best understand the landscape and where I could possibly fit into it.

What does it mean to treat myself well?

I am only beginning to understand that there is a role I should have, which I havent fulfilled very well. That role is about treating myself as the primary resource for getting things done; as the primary resource in giving to others; and, treating myself in a way that continually builds me up to set the example and live my life according to Gods law. 


My life has hit a ceiling because I simply run out of the esteem, energy, life experience, love and hope to move on. So, I get sick, get fired, get stuck, then, after licking my wounds, I regroup and move onward, often to repeat the same pattern again and again.


I have totally unrealized goals because I have a totally unrealistic way of thinking about myself and my life. I am always in a state of sacrifice; always investing in "the future" but not getting myself to a place of consistently being connected to others or reality. 


Basically, I deny to myself that I have ANY needs because that's what I really wish: that I could be a programmable robot that would never experience emotional pain and always perform perfectly at every task regardless of whether or not it was fulfilling. That perfection standard includes personal relationships - me needing to be the perfect idea of a friend, or son, husband, or whatever. It includes professional relationships, me needing to be my idea of the perfect boss, partner or employee. And, it includes me being my idea of the perfect me, to myself. 


Undeniably, this idea of perfection is flawed - as is the actions of realizing it - because of what I am trying to be perfect at: some kind of contrived robot/human. And, let's face it, perfection is unattainable for any real duration.


So, what does it mean to treat myself well?


The short answer, is "I dont know." The long answer is, I think it has to do with starting by thinking about what I most need, and what is in my best interests. There's so much there....

• Dont engage in anything that false - either in that is an escape from reality or how I am feeling
• A healthy body
• Strong stable of friends/ great network of professional contacts
• Loving/healthy marriage.
• Lots of happy quality time with each kid as well as the whole family
• A culturally vigorous set of experiences that expose me to lots of things that feed my intellectual curiosity and love of history, story, etc.
• A career and stable financials that helps me provide for the above
• A mediation practice
• Well-organized car, house, work, relationships

See, the thing is that it's not like I dont have some of the above, or all of the above sometimes. But, the way I go about treating myself well is very unconscious and short-sighted. I see something I want, and if for whatever reason I cant have it, I get sad and beat myself up. Sometimes I want things just to fill a hole with something - anything that will fill that hole, regardless of what it may do for me in the long run. Often, I just avoid conflict by harboring it further. 

I am totally passive-agressive, now that I think about it. I place blame on others when I am responsible. I take blame when I should make others responsible. 

Years ago, I did something called "The Work," by Byron Katie. It really helped me deal with things, but I didn't see it's full potential for eliminating my harmful, passive-agressive behavior.

I am sure it will be a very involved process that I should do ongoingly...

Feelings Managemement

"They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through."


The above line was pulled from an article on ENFPs (a relevant profile since I only indexed a ONE on "judging". 


Everyone I speak with describes the Myers-Briggs assessment as being easy to trick. They've also described it as reflecting their attitudes and behaviors for certain scenarios. My wife, for example, said she profiled as an INTJ while working for a hard-assed technology company. 


Therefore, if I think of the Myers-Briggs not as a test of personality (which cannot be changed) but as a profile of certain behaviors and attitudes (which can be changed, reinforced, molded, etc.) then the following could  -= should  -  be the recipe for how  I model myself. 


It's said that 80% of executives profile as an ENTJ. Again, I'm sure that plenty are gaming the system, but 80% is too big of a number to ignore. As well, there are many characteristics below that are obviously admirable and effective:


(from http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ENTJ.html)

The Executive

As an ENTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.


ENTJs are natural born leaders. They live in a world of possibilities where they see all sorts challenges to be surmounted, and they want to be the ones responsible for surmounting them. They have a drive for leadership, which is well-served by their quickness to grasp complexities, their ability to absorb a large amount of impersonal information, and their quick and decisive judgments. They are "take charge" people.
ENTJs are very career-focused, and fit into the corporate world quite naturally. They are constantly scanning their environment for potential problems which they can turn into solutions. They generally see things from a long-range perspective, and are usually successful at identifying plans to turn problems around - especially problems of a corporate nature. ENTJs are usually successful in the business world, because they are so driven to leadership. They're tireless in their efforts on the job, and driven to visualize where an organization is headed. For these reasons, they are natural corporate leaders.
There is not much room for error in the world of the ENTJ. They dislike to see mistakes repeated, and have no patience with inefficiency. They may become quite harsh when their patience is tried in these respects, because they are not naturally tuned in to people's feelings, and more than likely don't believe that they should tailor their judgments in consideration for people's feelings. ENTJs, like many types, have difficulty seeing things from outside their own perspective. Unlike other types, ENTJs naturally have little patience with people who do not see things the same way as the ENTJ. The ENTJ needs to consciously work on recognizing the value of other people's opinions, as well as the value of being sensitive towards people's feelings. In the absence of this awareness, the ENTJ will be a forceful, intimidating and overbearing individual. This may be a real problem for the ENTJ, who may be deprived of important information and collaboration from others. In their personal world, it can make some ENTJs overbearing as spouses or parents.


The ENTJ has a tremendous amount of personal power and presence which will work for them as a force towards achieving their goals. However, this personal power is also an agent of alienation and self-aggrandizement, which the ENTJ would do well to avoid.
ENTJs are very forceful, decisive individuals. They make decisions quickly, and are quick to verbalize their opinions and decisions to the rest of the world. The ENTJ who has not developed their Intuition will make decisions too hastily, without understanding all of the issues and possible solutions. On the other hand, an ENTJ who has not developed their Thinking side will have difficulty applying logic to their insights, and will often make poor decisions. In that case, they may have brilliant ideas and insight into situations, but they may have little skill at determining how to act upon their understanding, or their actions may be inconsistent. An ENTJ who has developed in a generally less than ideal way may become dictatorial and abrasive - intrusively giving orders and direction without a sound reason for doing so, and without consideration for the people involved.


Although ENTJs are not naturally tuned into other people's feelings, these individuals frequently have very strong sentimental streaks. Often these sentiments are very powerful to the ENTJ, although they will likely hide it from general knowledge, believing the feelings to be a weakness. Because the world of feelings and values is not where the ENTJ naturally functions, they may sometimes make value judgments and hold onto submerged emotions which are ill-founded and inappropriate, and will cause them problems - sometimes rather serious problems.


ENTJs love to interact with people. As Extroverts, they're energized and stimulated primarily externally. There's nothing more enjoyable and satisfying to the ENTJ than having a lively, challenging conversation. They especially respect people who are able to stand up to the ENTJ, and argue persuasively for their point of view. There aren't too many people who will do so, however, because the ENTJ is a very forceful and dynamic presence who has a tremendous amount of self-confidence and excellent verbal communication skills. Even the most confident individuals may experience moments of self-doubt when debating a point with an ENTJ.


ENTJs want their home to be beautiful, well-furnished, and efficiently run. They're likely to place much emphasis on their children being well-educated and structured, to desire a congenial and devoted relationship with their spouse. At home, the ENTJ needs to be in charge as much as he or she does in their career. The ENTJ is likely best paired with someone who has a strong self-image, who is also a Thinking type. Because the ENTJ is primarily focused on their careers, some ENTJs have a problem with being constantly absent from home, physically or mentally.


The ENTJ has many gifts which make it possible for them to have a great deal of personal power, if they don't forget to remain balanced in their lives. The are assertive, innovative, long-range thinkers with an excellent ability to translate theories and possibilities into solid plans of action. They are usually tremendously forceful personalities, and have the tools to accomplish whatever goals they set out for.

leaving it all behind

my aunt died last week. she was 87 years old.

I expected it as I'd been hearing how sick she was with Alzheimer's, cancer, and various other ailments. She was in a lot of pain and my cousins, all now in their 40's and 50's, all made it clear they were expecting it, too. Her departure.

And then I got the call that she had passed and it struck me surprisingly deeply that I was shocked at the level of grief I felt. When folks say I am sorry for your loss, they are right. It was indeed a loss.

She raised six kids practically on her own as her husband traveled frequently on business. She was a teacher for 20 years. She taught CCD for many of those years and more. She delivered food to shut-ins. She donated her time, effort (and undoubtedly money) to several non-profits and charities throughout her life. She was well-read and could recite poems and quote from literature.

And through it all, when it wouldnt' have been surprising to hear a normal person complain or be grumpy or any number of completely human and yet some how disappointing emotions, she was cheery and hopeful and genuine and gracious and honest and loving and unsentimental.

She simply stood as a woman who was always interested in being the best she could be.

During her eulogy, I was struck by how I would never know her. How I would never be able to experience her example, and that I was partly responsible for that fact because I had always avoided them out of a sense of inferiority. I now understand why, better than ever.

I couldnt help but process her poignant eulogy with the understandable grief that one would feel, naturally. Buti couldnt help but process it also as a life lesson.

It was like she was teaching me even in death. I am grateful because I feel like she gave me a huge gift.

I realized that I'd been pursuing truth and feeling betrayed and not accomplishing 1 one thousandth that she had by my age. I realized, not only in her example, but the way her children had internalized and shown that example in their actions and decisions. It was like proof upon proof of what I need to do.

What if I quit feeling into my emotions so much? What if I stopped waiting to be treated with whatever fantasy I've been cultivating? What if I gave up rage, fantasy, indulgence, bitterness, hyperfantazing, guilt, sexual fantasies and well... all of it. All of it.

What if I simply focused on giving, loving, accomplishing, and leading?

Why dont I just focus on motivating my employees versus yelling at them? Why dont I just focus on being a good husband and father versus trying to play whatever game will get me laid the most often?

Time to be amazing.

Taking the Next Step

In my "Epiphany" post, I talked about the list of crappy observations and realizations I recently had about myself.

Now, it is time to begin thinking about the kinds of regular behaviors and focuses I want to embrace and how to sustain and reinforce them. I love how the web has detailed steps on incredibly lame life skill issues - like "how to act more mature," for example, which took me to the following list of not-so-pathetic items. The following is helpful in that it points to what I should be doing. I've edited the stuff that are non-issues:

1. Tone down your fashions. First impressions do count.
2. Use manners. Try to be courteous without being stuffy or inflexible.
3. Have a genuine good attitude and a goodwill towards others. Goodwill towards others is a sign of maturity because it shows that you have recognized that "we are all in this together." If someone is rude to you, try not to return the "favor." If you can let it go, don't reply; silence is a good judge. If you can't let it go, simply tell the person that their comment was rude.
4. Dont be silly or repeatedly go for the funnie
5. Have confidence in yourself and speak from your heart. If you think that you have a good idea, share it. But think before you act. Voice your thoughts honestly. This - i need help with.
6. Think before you speak. If you can't think of anything to say, or don't have anything nice to say, then say nothing.
7. "Be slow to anger". People that lose temper and/or self-control easily may be recognized as insecure or immature.
8. Learn to apologize sincerely for your mistakes, inappropriate words and actions towards others.
9. Be an active listener
10. Remember, when you speak, use facial expressions and be funny as usual, but be more serious in conversation.
11. Be helpful. Hold doors, help pick things up, and offer help and assistance when needed. Greet strangers, or others you know, and don't be prejudiced. Discrimination is usually the result.
12. Talk about mature things to people. Notice how they carry themselves, how they dress, and how they speak.
13. Keep in mind, around kids, squat down to their size when you talk to them.
14. Use proper grammar and spelling whenever you write.
15. Keep an open mind. See it as an opportunity for you to learn about something (or someone) new and different.
16. Don't swear, or at the very least, save the swearing for times that really, really warrant it.
17. Accept compliments gracefully. If somebody has taken the trouble to compliment you, the least you can do is appreciate it.
18. Take criticism gracefully, too. Not all of it is valid, but it is often worth giving some thought to how others see you and what you can improve.
19. Be polite online, too. Think before you post. Proofread before you post. Don't blab on about a load of things because people will find this annoying.
20. Write out your goals and plan how you will achieve them. Create an agenda to mark when you should have achieved something. Planning helps so you can see your progress change over time. Also, create a punishment for yourself if you haven't achieved that goal such as, an essay, 100 push-ups or not going to an event that you'd like to attend. You have to make sure you actually do them when you have a punishment, no matter what unless an emergency comes up.

why be liked

It is baffling to me why I am unlikable - which is to say that I am not someone folks or family hate or dislike - I just dont seem to have the qualities of someone who is likeable.

I chagrin when I think about it and I am quickly comforted by the fact that likability is not exactly fundamentally necessary for my to survive or even thrive. I have long gotten used to not being popular. My friendships are mostly all dried up and really, when I think about it, it's not about being liked - it's about how much I earn; how much fun I have; how approachable I am; how much I can accomplish.

Epiphany

I was just in a meeting when several personal insights came to mind:

1. I am too much focused on likability versus accountability and accomplishment. (and accountability is what drives respect and appreciation from others)
2. Masturbation and sexual fantasies are my pathetic way to replicate feeling liked
3. Accountability and accomplishment Acc2 is my path to self esteem
4. I have this impression that people dont like me, but what if it's not personal? What if they don't like my behavior and approach to pandering?
5. Part of my potential Acc2 is where my drive and interest lie - which need to be more fully defined.
6. Another part is in skill-building in areas of listening, public affairs, sociology, anthropology.
7. I cover up my feelings of not being liked and my intuitions about not being respected and insecurities about my lack of victories with very negative attitudes and behaviors such as anger, anxiety (over being fired, left, etc), depression, isolation and ultimately escapist fantasies. Such fantasies perpetuate the whole scheme.
8. According to at least one person the above outward behavior is completely obvious.

anxiety

I have thought - although not terribly seriously - that I have been avoiding reality with fantasies due to anxiety.

I developed an attraction to hyperfantasizing and then sexual fantasies from very early in life - maybe three years old. That grew into surfing porn almost as soon as I could get online back in 1996 or so.

anyway, i am now thinking about this more seriously because I have speed-watched several episodes of "Obsessed," showing how various ppl have dealt with OCD. As OCD is about coping with anxiety, the therapy largely involves 'exposures' to the sources of that anxiety, whatever it may be.

I am going to be more conscious of things that make me anxious and try to sit with that and be confortable with what is actually happening, vs what I am freaking out about.

Responsibility and my Ego

by not meditating and containing my ego, i am letting it - forcing it to- be an issue for others, which with they certainly dont want deal.

That naturally creates a set of implications that hurt my chances of employement, promotion or other professional success, not to mention my friendships and marriage.

i sink into my egoic tendencies and indulgences and then loose self-respect, which in turn, casts a shade of fear and self-loathing across all my ideas and actions about relationships.

Why does it feel so good to indulge and feel so bad after? I guess that's a universal and silly question.

What I Like About Don Draper

1. He's extremely proficient at what he does
2. He represents the cultural ideal (money, status, looks, etc)
3. He's strong and intelligent
4. He's a bit of an enigma
5. He has very noble qualities when it comes to dealing with people.

What I don't like is that he's a womanizer, a drunk, a liar (to himself and the world), and he actually has no idea who he really is.

HOW TO THINK; HOW TO ACT

I've looked at the patterns I follow in my actions - as well as the implications. The results is a series of insights and thoughts about how I should actually be thinking:

1. Plan out everything - day, project, implications/reactions

2. Emotions and thoughts are but a paper thin veil

3. Nobody gives a shit about how I think/feel

4. People just want my guidance, approval, or to get out of the way.

That means I should be driving the following actions, regularly:

1. Meditate and work-out (focus on great posture: lyingdown exercises, crunches)
2. Aggressively seek positive influences
3. Project a calm, confident mood - even in the face of outrageousness
4. Be beautiful, generous and gracious
5. Take good care of all my stuff
6. BE PREPARED; Take notes for all meetings; recap all meetings
7. create aggressive goals for all staff; hold them accountable. This is an agency filled with greatness. No exceptions.
8. Take leadership of my marriage; set context, shared strengths, weaknesses, goals.

1. 
   

Revisiting Rich

Here's something I pulled together for my staff to discuss a few months ago, and it's worth revisiting for my perspective.

For Discussion: Rich V Poor

Our clients are often affluent ($150,000-plus household) and they often sell to or partner with affluent constituencies. The more we focus on the Fortune 500, the more we will run into the affluent. And, since people like working with those who think like them, the following perspectives and demographics can help us better orient ourselves to this market:

Perspectives:

Several popular speakers and authors have outlined differences between the so-called rich, compared with the middle-class and poor. Interestingly, the similarities between the middle-class and the poor are quite pronounced. The rich, however, have an entirely different “operating system”

Please note – I’ve tried to do the best I can in selecting content that resonates with my own experiences and observations – meaning, as an anecdote, it has some truth to it. Much of the information below will come across as “classist” and some of the tone – reflected in copy points pulled from a myriad of credible and popular publications – may come across as biased. I’ve tried to balance that out without mitigating the primary focus of the content. Some of this content is rhetoric and a bit hard to take, but I think this will serve as a very important discussion topic about our individual motivations and perspectives.

As executives, we’ve agreed to think strategically and be responsible for end-outcomes. Yet our tactical histories and personal experiences may foster a limiting mind-set – one that is short-sighted and problem-focused. Perhaps there is a reason why the words “rich” and “executive” often go together. In my research of both perspectives, there are many similarities.

Seven Ways The Rich Differ from the Poor and Middle Class

1. Rich people believe that they create their lives while others believe that life happens to them.

a. They approach decision-making as if they are the ones who is responsible for their lives; they are the ones who is creating their future, not the economy, or others, or luck.

b. On the other hand, poor and middle-class people often rely on excuses and blame on the circumstances. When they failed, they will blame the economy, their boss, their family or anything that did not go according to their wishes.

2. Rich people think and focus on opportunities while poor people focus on obstacles. When you face with problems, what are you focusing on?

a. the poor and middle-class often think how bad the situation is going to be. The rich, however, focus on the solution and think about how you can solve or even turn the situation into opportunity?

4. Rich people dare to dream big, poor people think “Why do you need so much money? You can live a very good lifestyle if you got a job that has a good pay. You don’t need to be a millionaire.”

5. Rich people are committed to their dreams, poor people are just dreaming about their dreams. Yes, this is an obvious one. If you’re not committed to be rich, you can never be rich. How many times have you heard people say that they want to be rich, but they never do anything about it?

This is the mentality of poor people. They will just think about how good it is going to be if they are rich, but they will never do anything about their dreams. They know that they cannot afford a luxury car if they have a low pay job. The thing is, they never do anything to change it.

6. Rich people associate with rich and successful people. Poor people will associate with poor people. Do you have any rich friends? Or all of your friends are poor?

I’m not suggesting that you need to stop making friends with poor people, what I’m suggesting it, try to get to know more about rich people. The more you mix with them, the more you will think like them. And if you think like them, you will start to create amazing results just like them.

If most of your friends are poor and their working salary all are below say, $20,000, you will be having the same range of salary most of the time. However, if you associate with rich people who are making $20,000 in just a day, you will start to see the many more possibilities of what you can accomplish.

7. Rich people good learners while poor people think that they have learned everything in the world. One of the fastest ways to be financially abundance is to learn directly from people who have already achieved this status.

And if you’re not willing to learn, you will never be able to be successful. If you want to get the best pay, you must be the best. And the only way you can be the best is to learn from the best and learn to be the best.

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WSJ ArticleBy Robert Frank

Middle-class Americans have always had a conflicted view of the rich. They aspire to wealth, but they often resent the wealthy. And this envy and bitterness seems to have grown in recent years as the economic gap between middle and uppers has widened.

A new Pew Research survey of the middle class, however, sheds some light on the reasons for the divide. (The study was brought to my attention by Andrew Hermann of the Chicago Sun-Times, who wrote a fascinating article on rising wealth.) http://pewsocialtrends.org/2008/04/09/inside-the-middle-class-bad-times-hit-the-good-life/

One finding of the Pew study: Between 1983 and 2004, the median net worth for upper-income families (defined as those who earn 150% of the national median) grew by 123%, while the median net worth for middle-income folks grew 29%.

But the study finds that not just economics but also attitudes may play a strong role in the divide. Specifically, the rich and middle class differ sharply on how the rich are getting rich today. The study found:

· They are split on how the rich got there. Fully 47% of those surveyed say the wealth of the wealthy is mainly the result of having good connections or being born into wealth, while 42% say it’s mainly the result of hard work, ambition and education.

· Those in the upper classes (56%) are more inclined to cite hard work, ambition and education as reasons behind their wealth than are those in the middle (42%) or lower (32%) classes.

· Asked if success in life is determined by forces outside one’s control, the upper class disagreed (69%) more than the middle (62%) or lower (51%) classes.

From www.simplyinvesting.com

Most people will never be rich. Why? Because most people (the middle class) are investing the same way as everyone else, and everyone else is not rich. The middle class are not wealthy, and if you are going to be investing like the middle class then statistically speaking you will never be wealthy. You have to change the way you think and act about investing in order to achieve financial success.

A quick review of some of the wealthiest people in the world will reveal that the most of them did not invest their money like the middle class. A MoneySense magazine article a few years back confirmed that rich people do not buy mutual funds, the majority of them invest on their own.

If you want to be financially free then start to invest like the wealthy. Research their methods and strategies, it's no secret; most of them have written books about how they became wealthy, books like:

- One Up on Wall Street, by Peter Lynch

- The Dividend Connection, by Geraldine Weiss

- The Investment Zoo, by Stephan Jarislowsky

- The New Buffettology, by Mary Buffett

- The Intelligent Investor, by Benjamin Graham

- The Dividend Investor, by Harvey Knowles III

Knowledge allows people to succeed, the rest just copy everyone else and hope for the best (or buy lotto tickets). Spending that little extra time (skip TV for one night or two) to gain the investment knowledge will give you the financial freedom you seek sooner than later.

====================

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6198665

The following chart is from Chapter Three “Hidden Rules Among Classes” in A Framework: Understanding and Working With Students and Adults from Poverty.

	Poverty	Middle Class	Wealthy
Possessions	People	Things	One of a kind objects
Money	To be used, spent	To be managed	To be conserved, invested
Food	“Did you have enough?” (Quantity)	“Did you like it?” (Quality)	“Was it presented well” (Presentation)
Clothing	Valued for individual style and expression of personality	Valued for quality and acceptance. Label Important.	Valued for artistic sense and expression. Designer important
Time	Present most important. Decisions made for moment for survival.	Future important. Decisions made against future ramifications.	Traditions and past important. Decisions made based on decorum.
Social Emphasis	Social of inclusion of people they like.	Emphasis on self-governance and self-sufficiency.	Emphasis on social exclusion.
Language	Language is about survival.	Language is about negotiation.	Language is about connections.
Family Structure	Tends to be matriarchal.	Tends to be patriarchal.	Depends on who has the money.
World View	See the world in terms of the local setting.	Sees the world in terms of the national setting.	See the world in terms of an international view.
Driving Force	Survival, relationships and entertainment.	Work and achievement	Financial, political, and social connections

http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/17446_Gilbert_Chapter_1.pdf :

1. upper class which defines as those with great deal of power who are prestigious and influential especially on the nation's institutions.

2. The second class system is upper middle class that refers to those who enjoy high job with comfortable personal income. Most of them have received post-secondary degrees and they belong to the white collar professions.

3. Lower middle class is the third system that refers to those with college education who usually suffer from the lack of job security. They don't receive proper income

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Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/924658

17 ways the rich differ from the poor and middle class:

1. Rich people believe they create their life, poor people believe that life happens to them.

2. Rich people play the money game to win poor people play the money game to lose.

3. Rich people are committed to being rich poor people want to be rich.

4. Rich people think big poor people think small

5. Rich people focus on opportunity poor people focus on obstacles

6. Rich people admire other rich and successful people, poor people resent successful rich people.

7. Rich people associated with positive successful people poor people associate with negative people.

8. Rich people are willing to promote themselves and their values poor people don't.

9. Rich people are bigger than their problems poor people are smaller than their problems.

10. Rich people are excellent receivers poor people are poor receivers.

11. Rich people choose to get paid based on results poor people chose to get paid based on time.

12. Rich people think both poor people think either or.

13. Rich people focus on their net worth, poor people focus on their working income.

14. Rich people manage their money well; poor people mismanage their money well.

15. Rich people have their money work hard for them; poor people work hard for their money.

16. Rich people act in spite of fear, poor people let fear stop them.

17. Rich people constantly learn and grow; poor people think they know it all.

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From another “Seven Differences” article…

No. 5: Watch Small Expenses

Warren Buffett invests in businesses run by managers who obsess over the tiniest costs. He once acquired a company whose owner counted the sheets in rolls of 500-sheet toilet paper to see if he was being cheated (he was). He also admired a friend who painted only the side of his office building that faced the road.

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Coping

Yesterday, I had a revelation that a big part of the reason why my marriage is still on the ropes is because I spent so much time 'indulging' in escapist fantasies, anger, & denial. I thought I was trying to fix things, but I couldn't if I was harboring so much and not cultivating any interest in rising above the issues in which I was participating.

When my wife and I met, we actively presented a picture of who we wanted to be. And, we only saw the most favorable parts in each other. She was my coping/escape from a very painful divorce and I was her escape from a bad breakup.

In May, a year later, when I was laid off from a plumb job, I tarnished my "successful at everything" image with her. We began to grow slightly apart and I dove into my day dreams. Instead of looking at things as they are - instead of being present - I simply attempted to cope.

Obviously, that's what I did throughout my 20's too - coped and escaped as I was reeling from a nightmare childhood. Naturally, that created a perfect scenario wherein I would meet my ex-wife and abandon any thought of pursuing truth.

Being fully present is my main focus now.

Reflecting on the above, this could be the first time I actually am here.

What It Means To Be Present.

I have seen my life as a series of tolerating events and intolerable events.

I escape from events that are intolerable, like those that create boredom, anxiety, fear, anger. Events like waiting for an important person to return a call; contemplating a my future; dealing with the frustration in my marriage; dealing with insults real or imagined; and just about anything related to work. How do I escape? I dive into porn - again, real or imagined. (I have to say that my imagination is 10X better than any free site I've seen.)

I also escape in littler ways, like trying to project a certain kind of authority despite my actual feelings, or zoning out in front of the computer.

Being present means not allowing myself to escape in any way for any reason. It means connecting with what is actually happening by asking myself, 'what is actually happening here?'. Eliminating my escapist vices is like going cold turkey on any harmful but nonetheless rewarding way of life (cigarettes, bad food, alcohol, etc.). It's hard.

Yet, the wake-up call of the lay-off and a subsequent scare that a big client is unhappy, left me feeling completely unprepared to deal with things when they get bad. Because I escape so much, I dont know what the facts are, much less the implications of whatever decisions I need to make. So, I make bad decisions.

Here's a classic example: a few years ago while working at another agency, I created a very aggressive plan to turn around the department I was hired to run. I made decent progress in the first six months but then began to notice that my team wasn't following through the way I expected. I began to focus on their performance more, creating a tense environment. That's bad, given they were creatives. That tension turned to passive/aggressive behavior on both our parts, as I struggled to retain control, even though I didn't have the technical abilities (in marketing OR management) to do so.

They mutinied and I was fired.

There were dozens of signals from above, peers, and below, but instead of noticing them and responding with vision, dignity, and decisiveness, I stayed in the little movie theater in my mind. When no one could get their point across, it must have become clear that I would never 'see the light'.

I have some powerful plans in the works now that I understand more about what it means to always be present.

No One Gives A Shit About How I Feel

It suddenly occurs to me that basically no one really cares about how I feel. They dont care if I'm upset or sad or happy or fulfilled. No one in my life is at any time more concerned about my feelings than theirs.

I could feel sorry for myself and wallow and all of that. Actually, however, coming to this realization allows me to have some distance from indulging in my emotions and continuing to lose power over others and the situation itself.

Yes, I am feeling equal and small parts of bitter, resentful, angry, alienated, disillusioned, and 'over it'. But the greater story is that I am feeling like I have a secret power no one else does.

why i get frustrated with communication

"I need you to take care of business"

"It's your turn to carry the ball."

"What's the story?"

I speak in declarative vagaries and wonder why no one understands me. Communication is not about expressing. It's about being understood.

The Big Fail

Throughout my career, I've seen many, many businesses suffer from isolation. Their marketing and sales efforts miss the mark. Their employee morale is either unrealistically high or it's suffocating. They are often not much fun to do business with.

The same can be said of people. And, well, me.

My steadfast determination to see things only through my self-serving perspective has alienated co-workers, friends, and even family. Raised in a "lay-down-the-law" household, it never occurred to me to take in others' perspectives.

I've been meditating and thinking about my prison and ceiling that i've created for myself. It is directly related to imagining only what I want for myself, versus building a vision based on as many perspectives as realistically possible.

Growing up

When i look back on my life I mostly see embarrassing indulgences. It's like I've perfected how to stay too long at the party. So, I continued to party and hang out well into my thirties, versus develop any kind of cogent aspirations for a life that would have sustenance and impact.

I just wanted to be loved, in a very egotistical and sycophant manner. Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll isn't just a lyric, it's a three-part recipe for escape - and that I did. Whenever I came into contact with a request or thought or crisis, I escaped into partying.

Later in life, I escaped into my imagination.

That is the 'ceiling' beneath my success. I run and hide.

Harsh Reality

Several weeks ago now, I went to a weekend retreat wherein I learned that I am not what I think of myself, or who others say I am, or what my situation is.

By meditating deeply and listening to Andrew Cohen's ideas and teaching about his evolutionary enlightenment, I came to understand a little bit more about the ruse I've been living and trying to believe about myself. Cohen's ideas on meditation have to do with totally unlinking from the chatter and labels and rote definitions of things and deeply connecting with what he calls the "Ground of Being" - that which created everything.

By the end of the weekend, I was inspired to take responsibility for everything in my life. I now have a vision for just how to do that in a very logical way. And, I cannot take responsibility for my life, without seeing things - my marriage, for example - as they actually are. Meditation helps with that. It gives me an outside perspective on things, so I can witness what's going on. As if it were another person I'm watching.

The fact of the matter is that I am married to a woman who probably has never been in love - really in love, because she doesnt know how to share herself with someone else. She doesn't know how to help someone else open up. There can be no intimacy, therefore. And there can be no real communication.

I've come to this conclusion many times before, in varying states of anger, depression, etc., but now I see it without any agenda. I don't need to leave. I don't need to feel badly. I don't need to resent her or hurt her back.

I just need to keep taking responsibility for myself.

Admittedly, finally recognizing this pattern for what it is, has created a mixture of ... somewhat defiant feelings. I'm shut down around her and she senses it to a degree. I've also been upset and seeing who I am, really - my flabby, sickly, poor, scheming self has been a bit too much to take.

That's all not important now, however. I am moving forward as quickly and responsibly as possible to take responsibility and fashion myself into the person I know I can become. With meditation and focusing on cohen's principles,I dont feel stuck anymore. I feel free.

The straight and narrow

When I think of what it takes to lose weight(high protein, healthy diet + frequent exercise), or what it takes to survive in my loveless, sexless marriage (focusing on what I can do, not what I can get), or what it takes to make my business grow (excellent marketing strategies, well executed with little overhead), or what it takes to be a good parent right now (spend quality time focusing only on them), I think that my youth is over.

I just want to continue being impulsive and self-indulgent. I keep trying to work in those behaviors here and there, but it's so obvious: whenever I depart from the straight and narrow, I work against the very goals to which I aspire.

As much kudos I should give myself over the progress I've made in recipe-writing, I am slowly coming to the realization that I need to make a deep and life-long commitment. I have all the information I need. I've done all the A/B testing there is to do. I just need to focus my ego on what matters more. I need to essentially "break up" with my indulgent behavior.

I just need to grow up.

This whole blog isn't as much about a pursuit of greatness as it is a bitter dialog between my selfish impulses and my greater ambitions.