I Lose It

A few days ago, my creative director said that he couldn't move forward working for me in all good conscience - and my director of sales was quitting as a result.

And so, after over $100k invested, after 30 months spent growing a business, eating sleeping shitting my agency, it is done. We are out of business.

We were able to spin the story that I sold the business to my creative director, and that's obviously a good thing. But, the reality is that I failed.

I failed to appropriately set a clear vision for others to follow. I didn't clearly set up measurable roles and responsibilities for my team. I didn't hire qualified and exemplary people. I didn't have the money to pay people properly. I didn't even know what business I was in for over a year, given that I changed business models three times. And, I was mean, angry, passive/aggressive, inconsistent, and way too accommodating and lax in the face of my team's resistance and/or confusion.

Problems stayed problems for way too long.

In my previous posts, I've talked about being a smudge of a person. A waste of a life. Never have I felt that more deeply than the night when my creative director and sales director left my house agreeing to dissolve the business. Instead of building a business worth millions I agreed to take only a few thousand as a payout.

I poured myself a big vodka and called a friend, updating him on my experiences and explaining how much of a disappointment I was to myself. Then, in nothing more than jeans and a t-shirt, I ran outside with my wife chasing after me, determined to kill myself or get lost or freeze to death (27 degrees out) or get picked up by the cops.

I returned, confused, cold and she called the cops, who arrived ready to admit me in a psych ward. I answered 'yes' to all the wrong questions - did I want to kill myself, did I have a plan to do that, etc etc - and ended up lying on a cot answering more questions of psychiatrists.

Eventually I was released and, watching the horror and pain I inflicted on my wife, I promised my her I wouldn't kill myself. That promise left me with many less options with which to deal with my problems and as a result, left me feeling more bleak about my future.

But, a promise is a promise.

Now I get to look forward to the holidays....