Given my propensity for escape and bullheadedness, it's no surprise that I miss out on a lot. I've struggled with wanting to be able to really see things for what they are and yet I persisted in indulging my ego.
I'm sure I'm not alone in that pattern as a male. I think a lot of guys tend to escape into war movies/games and porn to keep their self images intact somehow. We push the boundaries of what we can accomplish and then to compensate, we kick back and open a cold one or jack off or treat others poorly - all so we can feel superior and like the stereotypical "man in charge."
As I look at successful women leaders I've known, I can see that they are so concerned with how they are being perceived that it works to their advantage. They don't escape as often. They dont treat others poorly. And, even if they continue their stereotypical passive/aggressiveness, all that CYA activity virtually assures them of forward progress in their careers.
For several years now, I've allowed my belief that "it doesn't matter what others think of me," to cloud my judgement. I haven't bothered to pick up on subtle clues that folks share, be that a lack of enthusiasm, outright silence, poor follow-through, or sarcastic comments. Or, if I do, I often either attack the person publicly, trying to "out" them somehow. As I look back on my personal/professional lives I can see those approaches simply fail.
All this leads to - and reinforces - a kind of emotional isolation, which perpetuates the whole cycle of bullheadedness -> escape -> depression -> bullheadedness -> escape -> depression ... and so on. Ultimately, these actions - stemming from me being oblivious to the nuance and subtlety of various social and professional interactions - cut me off from building healthy relationships which would help me move ahead in my career and foster nourishing, rewarding relationships.
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