I had the dream again

... wherein my wife leaves me. This time it was much murkier and hard to remember and it was somehow coupled with a very strong intuition that she simply would rate me somewhere down near mediocre or subsistance level in terms of a quality husband. I am sure that during her lesser evolved moments, she's thought that I was a very high-quality and free live-in manny.

This brings up a lot of feelings - resentment that she doesn't seem to appreciate or empathize with me or want to work on our marriage; fear that we'll never be a happy couple that respects one another; sadness over the loss of love and intimacy for so many years; and, acknowledgement that my bitterness and anger over the years has deepened the divide between us. It's a weird place to be in - oscillating from self-righteous indignation to sadness and feelings of inferiority.

The above, btw, isnt solely derived from a bad couple of dreams. We've recently bought a house - under a bit of stressful circumstances, since we're not all that certain when I'll get a new job and how much we'll get for this place - so any emotional friction would be understandable.

However, despite how I had been helping with the negotiations and even pushing them forward, when it came time to "go for the close" as it were, she simply wouldn't listen to me. The interesting part of this, isn't that she was being defiant. She simply chose to not even try to understand what I was recommending, which is a bit weird since she's always telling me how much of a good salesperson I am. She didnt understand what I was saying, told me she needed to "internalize it" and then disregarded it.  Under normal circumstances, I'd certainly be annoyed. But, in the case of needing to buy a place we both love for many many important reasons (schools, neighborhood, resale value, quality of life, etc etc etc), I was baffled why she wouldnt listen and try to understand.

So, we agreed I would carry the ball for a bit. I called the real estate broker, we agreed on the deal points she was offering, and a few hours later we had the house. Simple. No more quesntions. No more "lets go back and review this thing" or let's run the numbers on that $5k adjustment (the house is $655, btw).

And, unfortunately for us, no  "hey honey, let's talk about what happened today so that we can learn from our differences." She wouldnt have patience or interest to have that conversation - or start it, and I know she'd simply get defensive if I asked.

Shit.