Going For It

This is Day Two on my Adderoll prescription. I think the main thing I notice is how often I divert from what I'm supposed to be focused on. It's kind of amazing that now I have a little voice in my head that says "hey, where are you going?" every time I let my impulses get the best of me.

It is much easier to focus. I think in this blog i once theorized that my brain needed to be in a certain 'frequency' in order for me to be in the zone and get things done. Adderoll puts me in that frequency. Like I said, it's still early and who knows, but I'm grateful for what it's done so far.

One of the things that it is allowing me to do is think a bit more objectively and less personally about my situation. I somehow feel less dependent on my wife, because, I think I am feeling more confident in myself and my abilities to follow through. Even at this early stage I can look at my attitude and behavior over the past months and years and see a kind of emotionally handicapped person. Beholden to almost every impulse, I desperately needed my wife to take the reigns of our life - planning and managing our funds, our social calendar, our medical issues, our typical household projects, and in many ways, my career. It's amazing to think of all the implications on our marriage and most of all, on her well-being.

In the spirit of thinking more objectively, I think it's time to really define what a healthy marriage is and looks like. I'm sure there are entire libraries devoted to this topic.

There are many things that prevent me from being happy and satisfied in this marriage, but there are two habits that she possesses which are of most concern because they appear to feed the other issues:
1. Protecting her weaknesses; pretending to the world that she doesn't have intimacy issues with her husband, friends and children.
2. Developing fairly concrete ideas about things, then being suspicious or surprised when confronted with the reality. It's the "check mate" that keeps number 1 above active.

So, instead of running away, fighting, sulking, shutting down, ignoring, and otherwise oscillating from one unproductive measure to another, I simply need to learn about what a healthy marriage is. That way, should this one end - and that's both totally impossible / scary and very possible given her abstinence - I'll have a proper perspective on the best possible path to take forward (good or bad).


The next two months or so present another benchmark of sorts. In mid/late June it's my wife's birthday. By that time, I want to be at 204lbs and strong - something like what I looked like in my mid thirties. The Adderoll is helping me in my discipline and I've adjusted my workouts to start with biking for 10 min (120 calories); lifting (maybe 50 calories); and then running at 4.0, 5.5, 7.5 and back again. It's a great workout, very refreshing and stimulating.

Also by that time, I want to have planned a great 40th for my wife. I'm not sure how to do that, exactly, without much or any income, but I have to get started on that. I've kinda done some lame birthdays for her in the past.

Ideally, mid-June will see me employed. I really dont know how this is going to work in my favor, with  such few job postings out there, but I've narrowed my focus on agency leadership, and I think I am getting some traction. My cover letters are very strong (100 percent response rate so far) and I have a compelling story of rapid innovation and revenue growth. I just need more paper on the street.

Sleep has long been my enemy - usually getting too much, because I was too stressed out about this or that thing. But, with my meds, I dont get stressed out as much because I can focus long enough now to write a step-by-step approach to completing whatever the stress-causer is. (Man, that's horrid grammar)

For example, I worked on a pet project - more on that later - until 11:45 last night. I was sleepy but not exhausted. I woke up at 6:30 feeling like I'd actually slept. Amazing. I just really really hope this fwd movement continues.

I have a 30 day prescription and I plan to take the most advantage of it.