How Many Times Do I Have to Learn...

...that no one wants me to share my feelings with them.

Below is an email exchange between me and my wife. We just went to a meeting at a new pre-school wherein I expressed concern at a tuition increase we couldn't afford. I broke away from writing a cover letter, which I promised today, for a position that may not still be live.

Prior to the meeting, I ran quick numbers that suggest if I'm not employed in four months (or less) we'll be very broke - building up red by the thousands and tens of thousands very quickly. [our monthly burn right now is $15k; we take in $9k]. I dont want to think about what we'll have to do then.

After the mtg well, I guess you could say, she complained that I was stressed.  "If you could see yourself right now..." she said, disappointed and a bit annoyed.

I could have vented that she was being obtuse or insensitive or showing a lack of compassion, but, as I finally realized this week, she is simply not capable. So, I really need to double-down on my effort to have a pleasant and charming persona, all ways. I think some of the homework I've created for myself - planning "ongoing obligations" , "projects", and "tasks" will be essential to that. After all the more orgd I am, the more pleasant I'll be.

I have to admit that I am sad to finally recognize her limits, because it really would have been nice to get some kind of support from her. I'll keep getting sad by this limitation, but less and less so, I'm sure. It's all about expectations and I am finally learning to expect nothing.

from ME

	4:09 PM (13 minutes ago)
to wife

That's so cool about Bob Marley!!  Please dont be discouraged. All we need to do, is move forward together. 

Eric

On Fri, Apr 27, 2012 at 3:38 PM, She wrote:

btw - I hung up a bit discouraged in general, and called you right back b/c I quickly turned the radio on to try to cheer myself up & what was on but Bob Marley!! He's watching us this week!

On Fri, Apr 27, 2012 at 3:37 PM, She wrote:

Thanks for your note. I love you so much, and hate to see you so stressed -- even when there is good reason. I am here to help, but sometimes have a hard time when I am just hoping for "you" to be present a bit more. I know we need to work to make things happen -- but I do know they will.

I love you.

On Fri, Apr 27, 2012 at 3:12 PM, ( wrote:

Hi 

I am sorry that I let my stress be so evident today. I realize that it creates issues for you when I let my emotions get the best of me and I probably made you apprehensive. I'll do my best in the future to take better responsibility for how I feel. 

I love you