this is it, i think

I just wrote this note -

Im sorry to say that I just dont understand. I dont understand why you were discouraged by my comments today; I thought I was simply conveying things as they were. I dont understand why you chose to go to bed versus talking. I dont understand why you are alternately impossibly stubborn and yet so easily fragile. I dont understand but i still love you very much.  I am beginning to see that there is very little room at all for my emotions in our relationship - and, with the benefit of my medication, which will probably be increasing in a few weeks - can see how that has been the source of frustration for us both. I will do my best to behave in the ways that you want - namely, being cheerful, helpful, and supportive - but please know that I am hampered by a condition that does indeed require medication for me to be something approaching "normal". I am doing everything I can to be the person you want me to be, but this will be a transition taking some time, but hopefully not much longer. 

Please know that I really dont expect anything from you. I'm letting go of everything. You do not need to rise to some vision that I've laid out, of what a wife should or shouldn't be. I accept you as you are. You are free to be you, in all the ways that are confusing, above. In time - hopefully not a lot of time - I will be creating less issues for you and you will be happier.  If you want to go to therapy, that's fine. If you dont, that's fine, too. I love you and I'm sorry that you're sad today.

She said she was upset that I showed up late to her Dad's birthday dinner and didnt act like myself. She said she was discouraged by my comments today. She said that I was all about myself and, now that I think of it, I probably embarrassed her b/c i didnt make a big deal out of our anniversary at dinner.

There's no way to improve this marriage. I truly am a fuck up and she's... I cant even put it to words. She's just not interested in me. I think my marriage is over. If I cant express, fear, anxiety, disappointment or stress in my marriage....I mean, that's just not healthy or normal, right? If she sees me upset but doesnt want or know how to comfort me, and on top of that, takes my behavior as a personal insult, there's no room for me.  But, it's what I'm left with and I'm seeing that now, more fully than ever. I will always love her. She's the mother of our children afterall. But "I" cant be here (as in I=me, my identity.) She doesn't want that. She wants only one facet of me and a very small one at that.

I dont know what's next, exactly, but the process of moving on will have to mean letting go of any love I have for her. I will have to mean letting go of being attracted to her and wanting sex or intimacy. And, it will have to mean letting go of the idea that all of this is upsetting and therefore the only way to deal with it is to shut down. I'll have to let go of shutting down as a coping mechanism. I just have to treat her like a client, I think.

Then, I can behave in all the right ways, but it will be exhausting and I'll have to find a way to reinvigorate myself. If the meds can do their thing, then I'll have the discipline to do exercise and meditation. That should get me very close to where I want to be, in terms of being ok with treating her like a client. And, I'll be sane, which wont be bad.

Beyond that, the financials are the biggest thing. I need to get on my feet, financially. Then, if she kicks me out (which could happen within the next, say, 10 months to 24 months) I should be ok, hopefully.

I actually had thought that rising above my ADD would mean a better marriage, but even before this exchange today it's becoming clear that rising above ADD means seeing that I am indeed in a shit marriage, in terms of intimacy and connectedness. I just hope that I can take care of myself on my own. I am pretty sure that I can, but having ADD at a senior level doesnt really spell success, so I have to rethink my career plans.

The other option - I'm sure there are a million, but right now I see two: staying and getting kicked out - is that she'll be ok with my "client management." If that's the case, then I probably wont ever leave - especially if I'm not miserable. If I do get miserable - and that's where the betting money is - I can strategically plan out how to leave and execute as quickly or slowly as needed.

Basically, I have three kids who want to be doted on, but who want to feel like they are completely independent.