continuing the line of thought

more than trying not to be a jerk, (with my wife) there needs to be a focus on what my new role is - or could be, as father and husband.

All this change and experience of noticing how much of a F up I have been with ADDHD has brought my obligations into focus, with an intense feeling of inadequacy. Not quite like showing up to a formal party dressed in jeans, but close to it.

I have a sense of embarrassment when I think of how poorly organized I was in various professional roles and of ways I spoke about my family and related responsibilities.

More than focusing on the past, however, I am trying to get a grip on the future. There is so much to do, and so little time, seemingly. Naturally the job hunt is the most pressing urgency, as money is vital for the move, putting kids in school, etc. But, beyond the emerging crisis that a lack of money presents, is the need to see my marriage and my needs realistically.

I am still allowing myself to be disappointed by her selfish and short-sighted behavior, and that approach simply isn't good. I am married to a woman that i dont understand, fully, and so all bets should be off. I need to give this some time to really develop an approach to being an adult, and allow for the fact that these various messes that I've created won't be cleaned up overnight, and wont be cleaned up in the old ways.

My path toward optimal functionality has yet to be written and so, all things will languish for a good while, I think. Perhaps the best way to proceed, is to:
1. complete my job-hunting strategy, as informed by the "Well-Connected" book
2. Refine my three-tiers of planning, based on what I currently know
3. Develop a prioritized list of my obligations (e.g. husband, father, home-owner, marketer (or what ever job I get), physically-fit, etc, etc, and set about learning what it looks like to be 100% at each of them. From that, I can develop a functional set of approaches that are highly efficient and effective, and which are based on at least some kind of success model, versus the scattered way I've been proceeding.

It is painful to stay where I currently am - in this nameless limbo of poor organization and performance. I am so tired of being the funny fuck-up.