Comms Protocols

I basically know how she acts/reacts to things and certainly have an improved sense of observation, so it's definitely time to start thinking/recording how to talk to her. some thoughts:

1. No surprises. she cant switch from what she's doing/thinking and back again. she needs plenty of notice, but that notice has to be sold or she'll get defensive and/or freeze up.
2. No attention span. she cant hang in for long amounts of time. be prepared to be interupted so get the sound bites out quckly. be simple in language and direct, but not at the risk of making her defensive
3. Clear call to action, but at the right time. she doesnt know what to do with the info unless you tell her. So, CTA at the end. asking for something without substantiation is asking for an argument/defensive behavior
4. Tone/mood is critical. dont trigger defensiveness. be cheery and sweet. Being sweet is most important - not sure how for a consistent approach, given the level of disappointment I feel on a regular basis.
5. Take the objective approach - seeing her/us for what is actually happening is the only path to sanity and perhaps progress. I need tools/resources in support of that; not sure what's appropriate. On the surface of it, I dont think I can just run out and get mentors...maybe if I characterize it in a different context...? a working context? a roommate? another kind of family member..?
6. Stress is her constant companion. She copes with stress by sleeping/zoning out and she's stressed all the time, so she appreciates guilt-free comfort, but is hyper aware of her to-do lists, which are regularly overwhelming.
7. Fun is very very important. But, she needs a long, clear runway of 1) sleep or rest, then 2) prep, hopefully including some sort of new garment or accessory that makes her feel pretty, then plans that incorporate a mix of relaxation, stimulation via exposure to something new and ideally exclusive.
8. She can't get 'psyched' for anything because she has difficulty being curious, unless it's a pressing issue. 
9. She doesn't understand emotions - not anyone's. Not her own, not mine, not the kids, not her friends. This eliminates the concept of empathy as a shared principle. I dont really know how to deal with this fact, because she's not really going to learn about something that is very alien to her and her upbringing.
10. I have needs that are not entirely relevant in this marriage. 
1. For example, I need to figure out how to both have realistic expectations AND solve for the emotional gaps in my marriage now and in the future. 
2. I need a sense of adventure, but that's either totally uninteresting [broadens the gap between us] or it is threatening [presents challenges she's scared of]. 
3. I need a sense of sexual dynamism, but that is perceived as not about her and/or overwhelming. I occasionally need a sense of spontaneity, but that feels nearly impossible with the obvious logistical limitations we face and her above limitations. 
4. I want to embrace a set of values - elegance/style, accomplishment, adventure, emotional transparency & authenticity, graciousness, efficacy, and humor - but I dont feel any interest from her in those things [potentially broadens the gap]
5. I want progress and therefore have to 'own' it, b/c she wont, but i need to do that in a way that doesn't trigger the above.If I identify the context and lay out the approach, that can trigger lots of above-stated issues. But, leaving the context undefined ensures we'll continue to wander about, dealing with this or that random issue.
11. I need to set MUCH better expectations about where I am at with various projects and my own development path. I have a history of not being reliable at all. She has no real patience for that; maybe never did. Some kind of very simple, high-level and regular communication about that stuff would be useful, but I'm not sure what that actually looks like, since I am still kind of in discovery mode about who/what I am. 
12. I need a better set of tools to read where she is at with various projects and her development path. Since communication has been so unproductive, I need to identify the best, low-impact ways of learning how happy she is and what's driving that positively/negatively. Again, no ideas yet.
13. Let's say I worked for her, I would be unhappy - but, I would work it out somehow. I know I would. Certainly, consistency is a MUST HAVE [and that is a great challenge for me.] Other must-haves include: 
1. indefatigable loyalty
2. a thoughtful provider/protector/defender type role for me
3. room for her space and time to process
4. no threats, stresses or expectations of any kind