the reality of the old ways

Some of the following is repeated, but it's worthwhile to deeply investigate my old system of being functional and risk redundancy.

Essentially, I now see the totally flawed system I've been using -  fantasies to keep my mood up and a falsely-inflated impression of myself. As well, I was emotionally and functionally dependent on girlfriends (and later, my wife) for everything from work support to being a sounding board for a myriad of helpless thoughts, pleas, and errors.

That kind of drain on relationships torpedoed many business relationships, friendships, and romances, often before they began. I can see a montage of eye-rolls and disappointing or confused expressions in reaction to the often beside-the-point questions and comments I offered in social and professional settings. Now I understand what they must've been thinking: "what does THAT have to do with what we're talking about??" 

It's certainly taken its toll on my marriage. My wife didnt realize that she was signing up to be my assistant, mentor, liaison, financier, professional coach, and emotional punching bag - with out receiving very much in return, except my resentment that she didn't give me more. 

And then there's the fundamentally flawed approach to execution. It's so pervasive, I almost dont know where to begin. 

First, I had no idea how to do many of the things I was totally convinced I could do. I know, bizarre  right?  I would read up on things and assume I knew the specific steps and how long they took  - and that I was an expert. Here are some handy examples of my overconfidence:

• Starting a small marketing consultancy after being fired for incompetence and, not having any idea how to manage money or define my services. 
• Taking on senior exec roles without understanding the industry or the specific challenges I would need to solve for. 
• Starting an agency - still having no idea how to define my services or manage money, btw. I went on to hire 14 people, never paying myself, never fully understanding how to manage them, never implementing basic systems that could keep everyone focused and me informed, and lost over $150k in actual cash, and probably another $200k+ in lost income had I taken a real job.
• Advocating for numerous tasks, projects, and changes in direction over the years, without fully understanding the risks, costs, implications, or likelihood of success. 

Next, I would make these impulsive proclamations regarding various courses of action, rules, etc., with zero forethought and zero follow-through. I applied this approach to everything from telling employees, vendors, clients and superiors that I would "never" do something again, or that I would deliver some kind of remarkable result by a certain date. 

I also had an inflated sense of compensating for lack of forethought and resulting tardiness for almost every meeting, deliverable, or phone call. And when I do show up, I am not being prepared. I buy time. I buy more time. It doesn't matter. I think I can make up for lost time by driving really fast or hustling through a project. Then, I'd create stress  in the process by being flustered confused and stressed out myself. Also creating stress by being flustered confused and stressed out myself.

I would contrive work moods to do the simplest projects and work assignments. Sometimes that meant intentionally procrastinating so that my anxiety would force me to move fwd. Other times, it meant getting hopped up on enormous amounts of caffeine  Sometimes, I would try to get inspired and use that energy to surf my way into a project. 

I didn't know how to prioritize, schedule, and follow-through to such a degree that I would take a very academic approach to things, versus zeroing-in on the facts and steps that matter most. 

I took took too many things for granted - my relationships, property, important papers, etc. ; 

not taking care of my stuff and property; taking my ability to generate income for granted - not managing my finances. Paying bills late.

Thinking that I can charm my way through things circumstances in situations that I created which were unhelpful risky dangerous or jeopardize someone elses situation.

Being inconsiderate of other people on my team or people who are involved in the activity. Only considering their involvement, needs, objectives, and success criteria as a last minute thing. Not having an appropriate sense of urgency, or the right priorities, or as a solid understanding of how things are going to be, or how others involved are going to do them, and what their comfort levels are in terms of approach.  Then, there's being insensitive to others' emotions, feelings, circumstances, and solely focused on my own needs need is more accurate. I bet there's lots of friends and acquaintances who know me mostly for my "therapy" and emotional support demands from them. Its nice to feel needed and important in the beginning but soon thereafter things became inappropriate and/or I certainly didnt convey a very good impression for myself.

Being overwhelmed. I couldn't take responsibility for my life and that did so much damage to my self-esteem and pride. I developed some kind of grandiose illusion and in small ways and in situations where it didn't really matter, like social gatherings, it worked. In the big ways, though, it never worked. And sadly, that surprised me because I didn't and couldn't know better. I thought not being honest with myself was going to be excellent compensation for being a fuck-up (but what I now understand is ADHD). 

Obsessing about work, career, myself and not planning out fun and destressing activities. I get overwhelmed then I veg out. As a result, I miss out on building friendships and having cool experiences.

I am at the beginning, but I have tools I never had before. I will always have ADHD and the above crappy habits. But, if I can chose to continue to solve for the above and

• be disciplined every day in managing time and planning out my obligations for that day and subseqent week
• ask for help - no matter how humbling or humiliating
• keep learning from the experts and 
• keep learning from my own patterns
• continually work on understanding the sources of feeling and being overwhelmed and unprepared

 I actually have a shot at being someone that my family and friends can benefit from knowing. And, this is perpetually good advice: http://blogs.hbr.org/hmu/2013/05/act-like-a-leader-before-you-a.html

• Knock your responsibilities out of the park
• Embrace relentless organization, tracking and command of the details
• Have "humble confidence," showing appropriate modesty in my role, while having the self-assurance to know that you will rise to the next level.
• Embrace key behaviors:
• Optimistic / can-do
• Even emotions (dont be moody); view the facts/objective perspective
• Zero-in on the heart of the matter: what is the specific problem we are solving?  
• What do we want to happen instead?
• Be transparent
• Be fun to work with
• clear expectations
• dont pass on problems
• complement
• smile
• Help your boss succeed
• Own his objectives and goals over my agendas
• Anticipate his needs for structure, organization, follow-through/thinking through everything
• It's better to keep ambitions quiet and prove my potential.
• Seize leadership opportunities, no matter how small
• Tackle problems that others aren't willing to tackle or don't even know existed
• ID the ways to help him despite his obstructions:
• employee loyalty
• marketing targeting / content production
• Find role models
• It's not who you know, it's who knows you