reality, pt2

I have to say i am beginning to recognize why I have so much difficulty transitioning into a new role and realizing just what I have experience doing.

After working for 25 years I still have not garnered the right kind of managerial experience meeting people I always thought was my strong suit and that because I was nice and respectful that people would want to work for me that I would be a very successful manager or later but instead because I have such poor knowledge and experience I I am actually not good add p.m. manager.

For example I used to think that I could create some kind of digital Department for a company or an agency and as I reflect on what my approach would have been I can see now that I most certainly would have failed. What I understand are possibilities why I understand our visions and things like that and what I don't know are the mechanics of executing those visions.

So when it would come to launching a department I would probably try to equip that department Wes the staff that seems to embrace my vision and values during the interview process.

But I don't know that I would have or that I do have the expertise to understand how to examine their capabilities and attitudes to the grey that I could actually qualify them for the role. Such would be a core aspect of building and apartment. I look at how a client of mine has taken A dusty brand and old fashions company and transformed it from: that state till at least a modern functioning operation. And I see how she has created A vision for transforming it on a national stage and within a much younger audience.

I would love to do something like that. But I don't have much confidence in my abilities to remain organized ask the tough questions focus on the critical details not to mention the particulars of how to of fact that level of change. I'm sure if I were having this conversation with that client she would say oh you're very bright you certainly could do this. I've been hearing that my whole life. But I am pretty certain that I would not be able to even be her number 2 person because I would have difficulty following through on what she asked me in the way that she asked me. I would have ideas, I would have alternate theories, I would misinterpret. And, the outcome would not be what she (or I) expected.

I guess it is all starting to sink in - the deep realization of why I couldn't execute, or fit in, or be consistent. Most of all, I can clearly see how the various ways that I was coping throughout my adult life were simply not working very well at all. 

Sometimes I can see the errors of my ways and during the past 30 years. When I have, I've mostly kicked the crap out of myself. I've believed that I was a loser, a fuckup, an asshole, a smudge of a human being and just plain immature. I even thought seriously about killing myself. I didn't have much perspective on what a real solution looked like for me.

Mostly, I've felt a lasting sensation of feeling lost and terrible about myself.