thoughts about relationships

Whether its professional or personal, as I reflect on my relationships-  the successes and failures, I see a distinct pattern of not really being very thoughtful on a consistent basis. In many instances and with many people I was downright thoughtless -and on a consistent basis.

The reasons for that Surely have to do with my own selfish inclinations and habits. But it also has to do with my urge to struggle for survival as I became less and less functional relative to my peers over the years.

There are bright points in my history. Lttle moments where I stop to pick up trash in a public place and throw it away, or to say hello to someone or a homeless person. There were times when I went out of my way slightly to hold the door for people or what have you. Sometimes I remembered people’s birthdays or significant events in their lives or something if they were hoping for. And as I look at that I see that I have the capacity to be thoughtful in the early days with my wife when we were dating I was very thoughtful and accommodating and I did this on a consistent basis and she fell in love with me.

But there was a moment when I asked “hey wait a minute what about me?” and I began to take note of all the ways in which I was thoughtful toward her and how she was not thoughtful towards me. I became better and withdrawn and shut down and confused and alienating and inconsistent to the point of being at times unpredictable. She once said that she had to walk on eggshells around me.

As I quickly looked to see an understanding of the word “codependency,” I was surprised by the definition. I always thought I was codependent and maybe I was when I was younger. I always thought the codependency I meant VA being needy week and emotionally dependent on others for their approval and emotional support to the degree that my self esteem what is almost entirely based on that dynamic. What I found however shopping shocked me because it named the other person with whom a codependent person was linked.

And that other person is a lesson from an emotional sinkhole of a person.

  That person is me and I can see that I became a drain in a detremental away on my wife’s fragile self esteem and personal power. I can see how she maybe didn't have a strong sense of self prior to meeting me, I can see that she blooms during very early years, and I can see in certain ways a slow decline into a person who still has many beautiful qualities and is intelligent an honest and far more thoughtful than me but who have to continually second guess her self around things that maybe she wouldn't have if she weren't with me or if I were a better partner for her.

This dynamic went on for years on such an unconscious level for me. I can only imagine it is the primary reason why so many of my relationships personal professional familial have suffered why friendships have dropped off why coworkers are you interested are not interested and maintaining a friendship with me and or interested in beginning of friendship with me.

Currently my father who is suffering from Parkinson's and my mother who is suffering from: confusion and loss as well as my daughter who is about to suffer greatly from: a lack of discipline and focus and understanding off why those things are important they all need me to be thoughtful. I need me to be responsible and reliable an honest and they need me to demonstrate that I care n/a consistency res off meaning fall and probably not so meaning fall gestures an axe.

The solution to all of this is probably very simple. Have to do with listing important things about each person that I can reference in conversation and in action. These things are birthdays desires and ambitions, noteworthy relatives who may be sick or married or aging or giving birth. From a business perspective these things could be career goals topics of interest job position measurement criteria and of course new business opportunities.
The solution also requires me to schedule follow tasks and time for executing these tasks.

It also requires me to allocate a small budget what things like greeting cards send birthday cards and small gifts.

I don't know what more is required be on those things and I don't know how much money is actually required what is I think about wanting to be seen as someone who is reliable and thoughtful and accomplished, and wanting to be gay husband father son brother friend coworker boss insubordinate cousin brother in law who is more than just the life of the party when he feels like it, what is someone who really cares .

I have to say that I am feeling very sorry full and even more info for the loss off pride and ego around who I thought I was who I thought I was supposed to be calm and the resulting sense of shame for all of those ways that I came across as being indifferent to their needs and interests and priorities.

I can feel there sense of disappointment and even loss over wanting me to be thoughtful or expecting it and yet seeing me be oblivious and there for they didn't get it .

It is a very strong feeling that I've had for several hours I woke up with it this morning actually went to bed with it last night and why yet and yet I have to guard against indulging in the feeling much longer and I must move on with the above plan of action.

Considering all of my friendships family relationships professional relationships existing and wilted from: past actions I have to say that I feel a little bit overwhelmed also but that is not major concern I simply need to begin