Finally Getting to the Problem

In a recent therapy session, my therapist told me that my relationship with my mom probably determined - and determines  - my relationship with women. That naturally got me thinking about my relationship with my wife and how, between the two women, there was a emotionless focus on the pragmatic while somehow not being consistently pragmatic.

Here's what I mean - my mom continually put behavioral modification back on my teachers when I was a kid. They kept saying, (in effect) 'but that's your problem, you're his mom' and she kept saying ' fix my kid.'

My wife continually deferred my complaints about her treatment of me, despite how those unresolved issues were eroding our relationship. Yet, in both cases, the bills got paid, the kids' got to school on time, and the families stayed intact despite adversity.

I could shake off the coldness of my mom, chalking it up to her ignorance and being from a bygone era. I haven't come close to shaking off my wife's behavior, however. So, the news that I ended up with her was somehow fated from another fucked up relationship (over which I had no control) was a bummer.

Then, it hit me: if my relationship with my mom determined my mate - the same must be true for my wife's relationship with her father.

Let me tell you about THAT fucked up relationship.

He basically started ignoring her when she was 8 or 9. By the time I caught up with her when she was 27, she hadn't had a meaningful conversation - or, more accurately put - ANY conversation in those two decades. As my Googling taught me, a daughter's relationship with her father determines her level of self esteem, confidence and how she gets her emotional needs met.

So, that fucking asshole of a fuckless douchebag ignored her and she grew up second-guessing everything. And, she chose or created relationships that were strikingly devoid of intimacy. Mostly they didn't seem to have much emotion to them, either.

She chose me, because of my interest in those things. But, she doesnt contribute to my needs for intimacy or sharing of emotions, and she doesnt have much interest in looking at things from any other perspective than her own. Just like my mom, she seems profoundly inconsistent - sweet AND strikingly selfish; thoughtful AND willfully ignorant; loving but not compassionate.

This is not something for which I can present a logical argument. It's not something that I can model, so she'll follow suit. It's not something that I can probably teach. So, I have three choices:
1. keep up with my fantasizing - and go crazy
2. stay locked in the tug of war - and go crazy
3. divorce her - and MAYBE have a shot at happiness, but probably lose my family and fuck up my girls (which would be horrifying)
4. accept the fact that I will only have proximity with her  - and cope by some other means (meds, meditation, or some other unknown solution)

I am aiming at #4, because I just dont have the balls or whatever it takes to do anything else. I could imagine that acceptance could lead to something more, but that would be dipping back in to fantasy land. Plus, is it really acceptance if it's within the context of hoping for something more?

Doesn't seem so.

I basically think I can do this. I think I can find some way to get past the lack of emotinal, intellectual and physical intimacy b/c it just seems that in 2013, you can pretty much find a solution for anything. My big concern is that I am accepting more than just letting go of my needs. I am accepting something that is unhealthy and, just like my childhood, taking that in means I become unhealthy.

I have long wondered why my wife wouldn't respect my comments and claimed to be confused by them. All this time of attacking, conjoling, pretending, ignoring, and all the rest  - all of which greeted by confusion and pain. She just doesn't understand because she never had to. When it comes to accessing that reserve of knowledge and experience about intimacy, for her - its just not there.