pushing to be alone

Over the past few weeks I've become aware of my alone-ness and that I am getting a bit more comfortable with it. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I have made a series of very bad decisions over a long period of time and that I have ended up here: alone, discredited, a bit lost, and full of a sense of both needing to be punished and being punished.

In a very silly way, I return again and again to a fantasy of having an affair, which would change everything for the positive. I imagine it in a highly idealized fashion - getting away with it, having a powerful emotional and sexual connection, and refraining somehow from breaking my/her hearts. Essentially, I take comfort in using everybody around me to buoy myself indefinitely.

So, the idea of letting go of that ridiculousness, despite the loss of the comfort it created, is in itself comforting. I am pushing to be alone. I go to sleep making sure that no part of me could ever touch her. I work long hours - which is a problem, because it deepens my lack of real human connection and a sense of fun - but it keeps me alone and prevents me from ruining anyone's life. I am embracing the observation that I am not appealing to many people.

That's I not to say that I am disgusting or someone to be avoided, necessarily. It's more that I am not someone you have at the top of your party invitation list.

Yes, it used to be different and it's painful if I try remember that. But, this is my life now and it will probably be that way for the next couple of decades, if not the rest of my life. So, it's ok to let those memories fade away.

I'm always amazed how little people notice in others. That both gives me the space to be authentic in my feelings - not having to pretend, which would be too much. But it also at least partially creates the very sense of being alone in the first place. No one is going to reach out to me and say, "you dont look happy. Would you like to talk things over and I'll listen and comfort you?

lol

So, I guess I just have to continually remind myself to focus on building me up - not for the purposes of being "ready for prime time" as it were, but for the simple purpose of getting more comfortable being self-sufficient to the degree that I can sustainably be apart from real human contact on any meaningful emotional level.

It's important to take this route, given my considerable issues around being unreliable, self-centered, and mean. The crap I have given people and the grief I gave my family and wife ended me up here. So, it's clear that I truly have very little to offer most people from a social perspective. And given my increasing years, actually it's nothing to offer in most cases, with anyone under the age of 35-40.

I think I may return to going on long walks and doing what I can to connect with my inner attributes more.  My children need me, at least for a few more years, and I dont want to let them down or give them issues that impede their health and happiness.