Realistic Happiness

I think I've been confused about happiness my whole life. I've either felt guilty pursuing it or experiencing it, or focused on the idea that it is elusive and not worth pursuing at all.

So, I've been focusing more on being 'functional' - getting through the day and my various tasks and responsibilities. I've made progress, but I still am confounded by how stuck I get at times. Instead of thriving on the short deadlines and high doses of to-do's, I kind of short-circuit. That means I do other things like writing this post and talking to people about much less urgent issues or I simply push off the matter entirely.

Two books are beginning to change my mind about this pattern: "Getting Things Done" and "Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time."  Both books talk about the feeling of being overwhelmed as a reason why we're unhappy and unproductive. Even if something is not, in fact overwhelming, all we have to be is in a state of feeling that way to slip into some pretty bad habits. 

In the Overwhelmed book, the author talks about how life should be a balance of work, fun, and love. My immediate reaction was that I had no plan for the last two and THAT was the reason why I am functioning poorly. 

In other words, I have nothing fun or happy feeling inducing to look forward to, so I balk and stretch and post-pone and dont look at the details. In my life, there's no reward, just more work. So, I take liberties here and there with little escapes. They add up to a LOT of hours, I'm sure. The author of the Overwhelmed book said she found 30 hours every week spent on leisure activities that were  commingled with work or some other stressful family obligation. 

Part of the reason why I'm in this situation is that I was taught it throughout my jr high and high school years. My folks would cut me off from all fun activities when I got bad grades. I spent the majority of those years grounded, no exaggeration. At a minimum, I'd be able to have fun and see friends after school during the first term - sept - Thanksgiving. After that, I'd have a cloud over my head of extra credit activities to get my grades up. No friends. No fun. And, no idea what to do about it in any productive sense. 

Fantasy was all I could manage b/c it was fully under my control. I'd also 'double-down' on my work to somehow rise above my circumstances. If I pushed everything aside and got good grades, I could go outside. I am still operating on that approach to this day, 30+ years later. I am still thinking that if I do something amazing at my job, I'll THEN be able to do something fun for myself. 

But, that's kind of messed up and there are at least two credible sources saying that it's simply the least way to be productive in my life. I am beginning to see how I self-sabotage b/c I just never have a plan for fun that is separate from one or more pressing obligations. 

Feeling helpless, I lean on others to 'rescue' me  - a job that will reinforce positive values, a girlfriend, my wives, this or that professional colleague or mentor.  Naturally, that only works a few times and only in the beginning. Then, they grow weary of carrying me and seeing me make the same mistakes over and over again. 

I have been especially leaning on my wife for many years and expecting her to plan OUR happiness in both little and big ways. I expected her unending support so I could continue to essentially remain overwhelmed with work and other obligations. Not realizing that's what I was doing, of course. 

So now I need to plan my fun. I have the great oppty to take a couple steps back and think through what would be healthy and sustainable. I wonder if I could come up with something to look forward to, every day? Imagine how happy  - and functional - I would be...