A New Paradigm?

My wife and I continue to struggle with making time to connect and be intimate on any level whatsoever. Recently, I asked her what she needed to want to be closer to me and the conversation devolved into the usual unproductive outcome of deflect, deny, delegate, delay. This is very problematic, given my pay-cut and the choices I need to make - she won't agree to reviewing the budget with me to make the much-needed cuts. We could quickly go into a lot of debt. 

Now, however, my understanding of my marriage has changed from thinking that I needed to earn my way out of the "doghouse" to a totally different paradigm entirely. 

If my hunch is right (or some version thereof) I think there's a new level of how I communicate and behave around her that is respectful, vulnerable, productive and grounded in a way that I previously didn't understand. 

I happened to stumble upon a marriage help community post that peaked my curiosity. Researching a bit further, I came across the diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder 

Based on what I've experienced with My wife and in reading the above article and other related articles, I see a strong match. Below are items referenced matched with my relevant observations. 

Signs & Symptoms

o Hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism

§ My wife often shows this. I used to think it was only related to me, but I see the same issues with work and our friends. She often gets weepy or shuts down completely with any type of constructive feedback. 

o Self-imposed social isolation

§ She is often "not up for" making plans with friends. "If you want to take that on, go for it," she'll say. Then, however, she'll counter every idea with a multitude of obstructions that start with, "I just worry that..."

§ She spends hours in bed with her phone vs. hanging with the girls and I downstairs. She often disappears upstairs when we're all together eating or playing games. 

§ My wife spent the better part of her teens in her room, with very little social contact beyond grade school. All by itself, being a withdrawn teenager is probably nothing, but I do wonder about how this affected her given the above and below. 

o Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships

§ My wife won't answer the door when the pizza guy comes. Wont explain why.

§ Plenty of similar anecdotes shared from mutual friends over the years. 

§ Wont invest in our marriage and wont consider any feedback or input to improve it - even on a selfish level. 

o Avoids physical contact

§ ample evidence of this in our marriage as I've relayed ad nauseum here, but the same is true for the girls and other family. She doesn't hug the girls or kiss them unless I remind her to do so at times. She will return a hug, however. 

o Mistrust of others or oneself; exhibits heightened self-doubt

§ She seemed to doubt every point being made. She often will ask "really???" even around the most basic statements, such as the 'girls are home' or 'I'm going to take a shower'

§ She wont go clothes shopping b/c she is too intimidated by all that could go wrong with her choices.

§ She basically ignores me when I tell her that I love her or say nice things about her.

o Highly self-conscious

§ She often points out her perceived flaws as if that's the only thing that defines her. She disregards any compliments I make about her, directly or indirectly in public.

o Uses fantasy as a form of escapism to interrupt painful thoughts

§ Possibly. My wife has had problems with watching tv late into the night or even the early morning hours - despite having deliverables or important meetings for the next day. 

Causes

o Neglect

§  My wife's dad didn't speak with her for almost 20 years, starting when she was about eight years old. 

o "Emotional Incest"

§ This is very possible. My wife's mother seems to exclusively focus on the positive and ignore anything else. While she initially comes across as a delightful person with a sunny disposition, it's quickly apparent that there's no depth beyond the "good news." Over the last 17 years, I've seen her dad be quite affectionate and flirtatious with other women. Even my sister has felt "hit-on."  It comes across as harmless, if a bit creepy at times. Given the above context I do wonder what things were like at home back when he was in his 40s. It could possibly explain his motivation for putting such distance between them. 

I really want to explore this further. I think the above could be the "third way" forward for my marriage and our family.  I can see how my past behavior has probably been especially triggering to My wife. My heart breaks that it is possible she is suffering in this way.

It does explain a LOT of her behavior and provides me with a lens into what her M.O. might be - beyond my personal, subjective view, which is kind of exciting, frankly. Because of that, I think there might be a new set of expectations and ways of operating that could improve our marriage and help My wife.  I just don't want to hurt her any more - and I don't want to have false expectations of what is "normal" for us. I also want the space to thrive and be my authentic self without her feeling maligned, rejected or triggered in any way. I want to somehow intercede in an appropriate way so our girls don't feel emotionally neglected. I want her to understand that I am not rejecting her or judging her. I want her to feel loved and nurtured and supported. 

I think the above could be the "third way" forward for my marriage and our family.