changing my attitude

If we're going to have a productive campaign of marriage counseling, I certainly need to have a more productive attitude. I'm not sure what that means in it's entirety, but I do not it starts with not being hostile. And so, I have to accept the facts of my marriage, assess what I can and can not change.

I also think that I am very ambivalent and need to sort this out for myself:

• Staying means accepting the idea that I can't move out. [no money, fear of hurting kids, mostly] 
• Accepting the gross imbalances also means [incorrectly, Im sure] that I agree with my marriage. I DONT!
• Staying in my marriage means accepting the idea that I probably dont belong in ANY romantic relationship [I've been terrible]; that our relationship is therefore not SUPPOSED to be romantic or intimate [given my behavior]; that I have these emotional and sexual needs because I continually foster those needs [and shouldn't, b/c it creates strife]; and that most marriages, if not all of them have minimal intimacy, if any. 
• I dont need to have intimacy, b/c I am becoming more and more self-sufficient. After all, how would I get a date in the first place? By adding the "decorations" of better fitness, more money, more success trappings, and transmitting the expectation that I offer a higher quality of life? None of that has anything to do with my heart, or love, or intimacy, really. Yes, one could argue that the above would eliminate or mitigate stress, but it's too risky to know if someone would like me/ love me b/c of my trappings or my heart. I tend to think that it's all be due to my trappings: funny sense of humor, looks [when I was younger], appearance of success, etc.
• Happiness comes from one's expectations. Are mine realistic?
• What are my intimacy needs?  Is it self-indulgent bullshit?  Feels like it, and yet also feels like there are real intimacy needs that I have yet to experience.

At minimum, I need to focus on shorter term goals that involve my self-sufficiency and overall health & wellbeing. I dont need to create a longer-term set of goals, b/c I dont have the resources or information to do that. Within that I need to be nice to my wife...pleasant, and a good roommate. I need to channel my hope towards that, not towards a big-picture future.