Many of my recent posts have been quite negative about my marriage, and while I still have very little idea how this will survive, I do have a bit more perspective on things:
First, I think we came together b/c we were both insecure as individuals. We each act on that insecurity, however, in very different ways. She retreats into areas [emotional/intellectual] where she feels most confident and has the best track record. I, on the other hand, treat my anxieties from insecurities with escape and acting out. When those two styles come together, it's easy to see how unproductive that can be.
I also think that I am still sort of mulling over the idea that I should plan my exit, somehow. But, why? It's not like I have the emotional, financial, or logicstical freedom to really do that - even consider it before a 12-18 month time frame. And, instead of wondering if there IS a right person out there for me somehow [again, insanely unlikely] I should be focusing on building myself up more. Getting a job with regular income, or firing up some gigs to set a good trajectory are what really matters right now.
Accordingly, I need to start being a more conscious roommate - meaning that there are plenty of obvious [as well as clever, probably] best practices to help me develop a clear philosophy around how to be in her presence while we try to fix things. And, we will try... she's coming to therapy with me for couples counseling for the next two weeks. It's a start anyway.
I think I still have some unhealthy hangups about her. I think I resent her that she's always been the responsible one [despite whatever issues/errors I've found recently] and that I needed to rely on her in the face of my heightened emotional ambivalence over the years. I think the idea of leaving her - breaking free of the parent/child dynamic we have - is very appealing [as most escapes are], but it's not the whole story of our relationship.
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