cross-optimization: work to home

I realized from work my greatest lesson is understanding clearly the process of how specific types of decisions are made and the key priorities and values of those decision makers.

I now need to do the same thing with regard to my marriage. I have been arrogantly and belligerently demanding you set of habits and activities that that have consistently been resisted or delayed. And I say arrogantly and belligerently because all this time I was willfully oblivious to all the signals and body language and subtle comments and references that my wife has been displaying through the years. I used to think that her behavior was a combination of A predisposition to not liking or warning intimacy of any kind and a lack of person all responsibility as it relates to her health and wellness. I also used to think that he did not like to take any responsibility or an initiative for our relationship. In short, I thought she was oblivious herself . Now however I am beginning to see my role in all of this as agent of decisiveness.

My consistent track record of impulsive anger, not listening, not following through, not helping out, and generally demonstrating that all I can do - or am interested in doing - is taking care of my own needs and indulgences. I sent that note yesterday because it finally dawned on me that the only possible reason why my wife would still be resistant to wanting to get close after 12 plus years of knowing me and 10 years of marriage, had to be because of her apprehensions and likely feelings of alienation and resentment do to my behavior.

I came to this conclusion from 2 perspectives first hearing and recalling the myriad of disappointed comments where in she would say things like see you don't listen to me. I've probably heard that phrase a dozen times in the last month that is obviously extremely bad. The second is the perspective of working with someone who has ADHD and seeing what appears to be a place a blatant disregard for people's feelings motivations personal boundaries interests and aptitude. It has been beneficial from a developmental perspective because it has quite literally put me in my wifes shoes.

In my note to her I said I would double down on being a better husband and let go of affections and intimacy. I think that that is the smart thing to do for the time being as it takes a lot of stress off of her and knowledge is finally the obvious state of our relationship. I think it appropriate next step short of googling resources on being a better husband is too ask her to elaborate more on this devisive pattern I have finally identified.

Despite my indictment of myself I cannot say that I am a 100 percent bad husband. There are plenty of things that I do which are positive and helpful, but my behavior is poisoning the well and given the sum what pensive nature of my wifes attitude towards me in particular it has created a dynamic wherein I can only be relied upon for a good few core things. She therefore cannot have a relationship with a full and complete person. It has to leave her feeling a profound sense of lack and emptiness with regard to the many things she needs to sustain a relationship