Imaginary Friends

I think that there are many many instances of my fantasy life fantastical thinking I have that have been legitimized by self help gurus, such as that whole Think and Grow Rich practice  - Whatever  the mind can  conceive and believe it can achieve and Tony Robbins and the movie and book The Secret and a college professor who first introduced me to the above. 

The reason why those things took root had everything to do with my own highly active imagination.

From my earliest memories I can see a very strong pattern of essentially getting facing frustrations, and instead of trying to figure out how to solve them I simply imagine the solution - or an entirely alternate set of circumstances -  in my head When I was a toddler I had imagined every friend Mary mailbox and Hubitz Nation and 1 other character that I forgot who I think was named Tommy something or other and was the most normal. Then I remember being 11 and praying fervently for friends who would not pick on me because in my small neighborhood I didn't have much to choose from. I either had friends that picked on me b/c I wasn't like them or I had other friends in a nearby neighborhood that picked on me b/c I wasn't into sports (essentially the same reasons, right?) I always had a sense of feeling like the outsider throughout my life.

But the real issue, frankly, is that I have imaginary friends to this day. Mary Mailbox and the other characters evolved into momentary characters that were there to approve my actions and behavior however ridiculous or anti social those actions and behaviors might be. I would simply imagine approving and smiling people as I behaved callously or irresponsibly or when tried to create a joke at someone else's expense so that I could feel better about myself war so that I could gain favor with whoever may have been in the room with the time.

Somewhere around my early twenties as I wanted sex more and I once again became lonely and alienated as I did when I was 11 praying at my bedside. I thought I could just summon the feeling of being in a relationship but that didn't work and so I basically spent the next 8 years trying to find women new would just paid in the fantasy with me . I had a great deal of difficulty however, until I got into my late twenties. I think it was just that my confidence was stronger and I was less socially awkward and insecure. I think it's also because going back to college allowed me to create a send off create a sense of myself that was free from the social pressure that I was facing prior.

After my first degree and really after high school I began to deal with increasing sense of not being as accomplished as my my peers. Going back to college allowed me to essentially hit the reset button and it allowed me greater sense of control over the theater that I was perpetrating socially and professionally. Instead of being a guy who had several jobs in a short time in a crappy industry, I could be a highly successful entrepreneur who had the courage and foresight to make a career change into an emerging and vibrant industry. As a result I came across a lot more confident way and had no trouble finding other women who wear similarly seeking their own delusional theater. It's no surprise that I ended up getting married to someone who had a very loose grip on reality. What is surprising and I'm so  grateful that we didn't have kids and settle down. It would have been horrible for us all. Amazingly, after the divorce which was so insanely painful that I woke up crying for 6 weeks and felt absolutely terrible for months and months, that I actually increased this behavior of pretending to be more successful and accomplished and well put together. And again, I had no trouble finding women who wanted to buy into the mythology that I was putting out there. Naturally I only dimly understood how contrived my life was and the harms I was creating for myself and for others. I had no idea, for example, that I was creating a false set of expectations and hopes for people and girlfriends when in fact I had no business doing so.

This.. I guess you could call it delusional behavior... extended into my career as well. I looked like an idiot I'm sure, in many circumstances. Yet I try to come across as a knowledgeable seasoned expert who knew precisely what he was doing and who was worthy of leadership positions and so forth. The reality is that I simply felt I had the aptitude to take on more responsibility and instead of really double checking that hunch I would plunge head long into whatever role I could convince others that I should take on. As with my dating career, my employment career is filled with people who simply wanted to believe I was what I said I was - verses doing the due diligence to prove that or disprove my statements.

And so I became a marketing director only 3 years after having a college degree which is extremely unrealistic. I held that job for 4 months. Three years later, I became associate director and because of my oblivious behavior and lack of skills I only hell that job for 4 months, too. Three years still I became a vice president with a top 25 nationally ranked advertising agency. I held that job for 4 months, also. And, most recently I started my own marketing agency and I did that for three and a half years but only made a tiny sum of money and in fact devoted many more dollars then I earned. During these periods of what amounts to theater and mythology I compensated by spending perhaps double the amount of time working any given day or week and, with the help of porn, I created a devoted and highly sexual female counterpart who is essentially a whore who has befriended me.

When reality didn't match the fantasies I was trying to create, I'd get angry and lash out. Again, I was (and am) only dimly aware of this dynamic. I truly thought that I was doing in large part what everyone else is doing. I thought that I was different and damaged on some level -  thinking that I could mask my weaknesses which I felt where vague but significant -  by essentially pretending. And like my dating dupes and my employer dupes I was duped by that strain of the self help industry that wants us to believe we can literally manifest behavior in others as well as desirable objects by simply thinking about them repeatedly. I genuinely believed that if I imagined being rich and successful and popular and good looking and happy that I would become rich, popular, and good looking.

It was very confusing for me, particularly in my career, because I did not understand what requirements were attached to a specific jobs. For most of my career I have felt like the kid who shows up to recess late trying to figure out what everyone is playing and simply jumps into the game thinking that he's actually participating when its obvious to everyone else he's in the way. Same for my relationships. 

As I think about divergent and convergent thinking and my own tendency to be a diversion thinker I realize I have all the motivation the world 212 leave my teen fall and frustrating reality for A world that I can makeup at a moment's notice that will be infinitely more appealing and pleasurable. It's hard to admit for example that instead of thinking through and improving upon the issues in circumstances in my marriage I simply have reverted to porn and pretending that I have a loving girlfriend on the side who does not care I am married and only wants to sexually please me.

All of this behavior is ultimately depressing, alienating, and highly draining. Reality always, always, always catches up with me. I've been having to keep up with two lives: one authentic and one manufactured. 

I've been thinking that there was some invisible force holding me back. I used to think that force was a lack of education or exposure to the right people or something, but the reality is that I am often a delusional thinker, I think.