Pretending to Be Me

always in the process of creating some kind of person on a perf onna . Or doing things that are really delusional. For example actually thought I could be in the play and created a costume, actually thought people would believe I had a broken arm, developed a personality based on popular comedians and suave actors . Portrayed A set it off behaviors and so forth that were desired design 2 create A kind of movie quality to my dates . Continue to chase a very self centered Ariel in my fantasies for over 10 years. For my entire life my fantasy is to have texted me in highly erotic situation. My consulting/business based on sensually pretending that I had a methodology to sell. My consistent feelings and believe route all the above situation where that was essential a fake it till you make it and the law of attraction and the notion of the secret and actually leaving deep down inside that if I pretended it would happen then it would just happen and not really thinking through until very recently why the actual mechanic the dot believe would have to look like . For example I used to think that if I thought about a person war that it would come into my life that I would intersect with it as if Usher Intuit by the great and the neverland universal force . Jesus and God are always watching and will punish me soon enough. They're always kEeping track off my weaknesses and errors and mistakes.  They were everywhere always . It was too much from the perspective of healing unable 2 find.

Totally on the other end of the spectrum, I used to think that if I prettended to be a stud or pretended to be professionally for fishin then I would actually be those things becoming a thing without thinking about the steps to make it happen in reality. If my version of reality were possible then the world would consist of all sorts of melodramatic things . I use that obvious death connect as brother affirmation that I was uniquely still and deserving of the special powers and benefits. It never occurred to me that that's my belief or so illogical.

As a result I wasted loss of overall time in terms of years, and loss of actual time and turns off hours in a given day actively engaged anything what I thought I had intrinsic benefits and tential a had sbenefits. I genuinely thought that I could make people believe things about me and therefore give me think hi there ever was also if we eating together or literally giving me a job money yet federer that I made happened to want money just buy the fourth of my personality. I genuinely believe in believe that my present catalytic to the agree that amazing things can happen. That is not consistent across my truck all of the experience is that I've had our situation that I've been in but it is consistent with an that it is a police at that I return to again. A lot of ways I have self that venice I think about being incredibly successful as I caught myself doing earlier this week, I'm at today that my present during what was evidently a boring company outing would have turned it into a spectacular leave money and fun avent, .

In that instance it was intoxicating and fully immersive and I felt as though I was brilliant and amazing and hysterical and my .

And it was is if I had actually experienced the sensation of being in a group of people and making them laugh hysterically and in a fact rescuing there sorry missouri ball asses from a sty pulling and boring day. Some of my hyper fantasies or so vivid and visceral and emerson and all in compass think that I still have them in my mind has memories as if they actually happened.
In a lot of ways it's if I am training my brain or my mind 2 truly believe that I have qualities which I actually do not possess. I have convinced myself that I am capable of being generally brilliant,  loved,  highly lovable,  a comedian,  a thriving entrepreneur and the center of attraction for host of little ordinary circumstances through out a given day or week.
Because I only or mostly value heroics, I've been essentially blind kill

to the need for consistency in all its forms. I've seen slow and steady as whimpish. I've looked at relationships as a sign of  my weekness. People who are not interested in being aggressive?  They don't know what I know. I don't have much use for them.

And why would I? I'm an adventurer. I'm brilliant. I'm beautiful. I'm charismatic. I'm amazing. I'm the coolest. I'm super fun to be around. If I'm an asshole or only in the most glamorous and interesting of ways. If I'm rude and inconsiderate to others it's because they kind of deserve it and it's obvious to everyone but them .

 If I make a mistake it's understandable. If someone else does its a Big problem. But it's also an opportunity to be idyllic and magnanimous.

If I'm rude or obnoxious it an understandable byproduct of my comedic wit and or high level role I'm playing. ( I never saw the word " playing" quite like I do now)

If I recognized a real weakness  such  as blowing people off in a certain circumstance I saw it in very emotional and dramatic terms

If I wasted time. Didn't fpllow Thu. Didn't call back. Didn't treat w respect. Didn't save. Did nt practice what I preach. All totally  understandable.

If bad things happened. Their fault. Or karma from sinning. I still think that and I'm still not sure about that.   But for everything else it is starting to become a little bit more clear what is actually happening verses what's in my head.

I think only just a little bit

  level of my heroic perspective lies and still is in many ways very broad. Have a good deed was seen as magnanimous  as for the ways in which I like people down I expected them 2, again, understand. I expected them to say the sloppy ways that I manage my time as evidence of a guy who is taking on and then or miss set off responsibilities toward the Noble and of his career goals and aspirations.

 overall I have been extremely judgemental of myself certain degree but a father's to a great degree. It has been very easy for me to be a partial credit of people who are probably actually more organized and effective then I am.

I consistently overlooked peoples reactions to me has they were being incorrect or they were not thinking about it the right way or they needed to grow and my challenging behavior was in point of fact an opportunity for them to develop as human beings towards the enlightened level and I and operating on.

Noting all of this, and there is probably more to come, is highlighting the obstacles toward getting things done and toward connecting with others. I used to think that my behavior was the result of ADHD in many ways it doesn't matter. Maybe it is the result of ADHD maybe it's just the result of a childish obnoxious immature guy who has stumbled through life filled with happy accidents some good luck some appropriately executed opportunities and a lot of people in his life love and respect him who have befriended him and who have supported him sometimes against better judgement but most of the time with good faith understanding compassion and humanity. Sometimes perhaps more than sometimes they supported him based on a selfish believe and Elgin believe that I was someone who would rescue them and thinking on those circumstances there many times that I know we both bought into that scenario. There is a new way of operating that is on the opposite side of all these items that I am highlighting, but for the time being I am simply struck by the waves of Revelation and renewed understanding of this self indulgent behavior. I seek to get to the other side but I want to thoroughly understand what I've done so that at minimum I'm making a well informed decision and ideally I never return here again.

It's kind of amazing to me now realize that I frequently select a few often superficial variables to measure entire human, and quite conclusively so. As a result I have bensel and more lies .

As a result I have Ben thrilled or hurt and disappointed, not by the things that I have experienced personally, but by the accomplishment and or difficulties that others have experienced. Seeing my brother in law for example 3 years younger than me with a better education stronger foundation better judgment and relationships, rolling year after year in his career, it made me feel terrible, because I saw myself as the hero I saw myself as the marketing leader the innovator the the champion of best practices and novel approaches. The one for home marketing was incredibly easy. And yet here was this individual in my career with my name epicly out accomplishing me by every conceivable measurable dimension. He didn't have to do or say anything to me all he did was exist in my presence and back was at like rubbing my face in a resounding defeat I think about call me on solicit it advice I think about all the bold statement and proclamation and other things that I blurred out try to sound smart or to feel good about myself. Return return I look at I look at the revision s ways I described myself in my life