Just took a 100+ question survey about depression and it seems clear that a major point of my continuing "moderate to severe" levels of depression have to do with wanting to please others, so that I will feel good about myself.
Not good.
This isn't big news, per se, but it is powerful to me now, given how upset and discouraged I get with negative feedback. I can see now, that I took the failure of 4goodmedia on such a deep level, b/c it wasnt' just the loss of a job, or income, or career identity. It was a vote of "no confidence" from people that I came to think of as my friends, my partners-in-crime, my indebted employees, and my spiritual teammembers. I attributed many identifiers to them, all to suit my interests and self-image.
So, when they said that they didn't want to support me any longer, it said that my self-loving machine was going to be dismantled. I haven't really let that pain go, and so I continue to grapple with this idea that I am a "failure" when in fact I am just as much of a success or failure as I've always been, probably.
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