- "Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
- Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love"
It's now very clear that I need to feel important at whatever I'm doing in order to engage. AND I have to do it in my own way. This needing to feel important is a pattern that I can see all over my life:
- Hitting goals:
- daunting; seen as a litmus test of what a failure or super-hero I am - but most likely the failure
- Ivory Tower, "hiding" behavior vs. involving others, transparency:
- Risks exposing me to doing things in a way other than what I want to do and/or in way I want to do it
- Risks popping the bubble of denial that I may not be all that I say I am
- Explains why I so often have heard (e.g. "this isn't what I asked you to do; this isn't what I asked for; I'm confused, I thought you/we were going to ...")
- Pretending that I am prioritizing my wife (& past romantic relationships):
- Really just about prioritizing my needs and feelings over her feelings & needs - as well as any kind of collaboration from the perspective of the whole.
- My need to feel significant overrides my responsibility to be real and set a good example.
- Sales prospecting:
- Presents nearly 100% likelihood that I will be treated the OPPOSITE of significant, therefore quickly becoming discouraged and even depressed.
- Feels "beneath me"
- Budgets:
- Either I'm so significant and money will just come to me or I will be confronted with scary truths of mis-management will reveal what a failure I am
- Parking tix:
- Racked up literally thousands of dollars in fines and fees during my 20's, due to me not willing to acknowledge rules & consequences
- Friendships:
- Similar to other relationships; I tend to prioritize my needs to feel validated that I am a good person (i.e. "see, look at all the friends I have), vs. a more discerning, honest and mutual approach. Fearful of not being seen in a good light and therefore feeling like a failure.
- I tend to gravitate toward "mentorship" type behavior, which while appreciated at times, also a) makes it about me and my superiority and b) probably explains why a lot of my proteges haven't continued to rely on me for advice.
- I often get "offended" when I'm not thanked for 'extra efforts' like making dinner / cleaning.. essentially every little thing I do.
- Fantasies:
- All about me being adored and the hero. For literally decades, I engaged in fantasy behavior at every possible private moment (e.g. whenever I was alone at home, while in the bathroom, when alone at the office, in the car, in the shower... literally every possible private moment)
- I confused fantasies with "ambition" and/or "visualizing my success," thus denying reality. Anything less than becoming what I was fantasizing about, meant feeling like a terrible failure, which is very ironic.
- Once it became clear that engaging in fantasies had zero merit, I have cut this activity way down, but that has its pros & cons given my unhealthy need to feel important. (Altho I'm proud that I didn't try to make my fantasies real, i.e. hiring prostitutes, etc.)
- Wise Mind:
- Requires me to potentially explore some intense, negative feelings of worthlessness, therefore puncturing my bubble of needing to feel significant and important.
- Also this is THE issue that explains all my knee-jerk behavior and poor assumptions when I was managing my failed agency.
- Working out / eating well:
- Makes sense to me now why I only work out when I'm in a good mood and feeling motivated. I get to indulge in and celebrate my "strong" self image vs. having to feel weak, tired, over-weight, old and unattractive.
- Therapy, my personal development:
- Much of what I've talked about with others in the past (until it became abundantly clear that NO ONE CARED, lol) was all about how much progress I've made in my life, given my "poor me" background story. A friend once told me, 'you have like 20 epiphanies about yourself every day.'
- Using up a lot of time in therapy to "set context" - explaining all my activities, theories and / or reflections on those. What I am actually doing, I think, is recounting how significant this all feels to me, vs. collaborating in a more balanced, proactive and objectives driven way
- Being a "a provider" to family and business:
- Can't provide for THEM if I'm so continually consumed with MYSELF
- being consumed in this way is very draining, emotionally. I require a lot of extra energy to do whatever project or task I am loath to face WHILE ALSO dening my feelings and boosting up a false sense of self-importance
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