Observations on The Assignment

Part of the reason doing the list of positive attributes is so tough, is that all I can think of, is the counter list:

1. I'm emotionally needy
2. I'm bad at managing money
3. limited professional skills / trajectory / income
4. poor follow-through
5. overly ambitious; unrealistic goal-setting
6. fragile self-esteem
7. strong victim narrative - "I'm being set up to fail" these things are happening to me. 
8. chronically negative self-talk and beliefs around many many of the activities in my life (i.e. losing sunglasses makes me an "idiot." I may say these things in a playful way, but combined with all the serious and even angry versions of this self-talk, it's like I am mostly negative 100% of the time. 

I look at this counter list as a list of harsh "indictments" that prove I am a bad person, vs a more objective and fluid assessment

I am very sensitive to the pain of those negative thoughts actually happening - as well as the fear that it MAY happen. Thus, I think my particular "fear of the unknown" really just has a lot to do with fearing when and how I'll be "indicted."  Is that everyone's fear of the unknown?  I wonder.

And being indicted means that I am a failure and all is lost. I often feel like I am set up to fail, betrayed or doomed. 

When I started DBT therapy, I was grappling with a rotating set of big issues relating to three overlapping diagnoses:
- ADHD
- BPD
- Narcissistic personality Disorder

Today, I feel like I've made lots of progress with ADHD thru self-awareness, therapy and Adderall, (God bless Adderall!). As for BPD, I still have a few symptoms, but maybe only 2-3, and only at minimum to moderate levels. 

Maybe all this negative self talk has to do with Narcissism, to wit:

1. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Self-rating: 1-2 (of 10)
2. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Self-rating: 2-3
3. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Self-rating: 2-3 / I think this would be worse if I were in a larger work environment and was paid more.
4. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Self-rating: 5-6 / Used to be a lot worse at this, but I sort of miss those days when I could manipulate people with my "poor me" stories, without any guilt/ awareness around what I was actually doing. To be really honest, if I could get away with it, I might consciously engage in this behavior and just gloss it over with some b.s. rationalization.
5. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
• Self-rating: 6-7 / These feelings don't typically last, but they are immediate when learning of other's accomplishments - or when I have accomplished more. 
6. Requires excessive admiration
• Self-rating: 0-1  / "Admiration" isn't the word I'd use, but "constant encouragement" is probably more accurate. 
7. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
• Self-rating: 8-9  / Often and while minimally towards others, especially myself
8. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Self-rating: 0-1  /  I would say the reverse is true, but maybe what I am really saying to myself at times, is that I I am especially unfortunate vs something more balanced?
9. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Self-rating: 7-8  /  I do think that I may have been confusing "fantasies" with "ambition"  for success, power, income. I think the way I engaged with the likes of Tony Robbins, "The Secret", Think and Grow Rich and a lot of other self-help activities have greatly fed into this confusion. (I think my real ambition is to just be happy and to treat others well. )  As for love, I often fell for the knight in shining armor scenario, wherein I could translate all my pain  - and associated self-help mumbo jumbo - into "lessons" and "mentorship" for the lovely damsel in distress I was courting. 

Some of the above really stand out as not only being problem areas for me, perhaps explaining why:

• I fold like a house of cards when faced with the unknown - or unknowns around how I can be successful. 
• I resent others for their successes as it makes me feel like a failure - ESPECIALLY when it appears that there is no obvious reason I couldn't have those same successes. (i.e. why does that guy, with less education than me, get to have a nicer job / happier wife / nicer house)
• Porn has had a hold on me for so long. (i.e. "ideal love")
• How long I was (am?) addicted to Hyper-fantasies, wherein I am the sole hero of my own melodrama
• I look at friendships as (oh God, am I going to say this out loud??) a kind of trophy or accomplishment - they are "proof" that I am not a bad person. SMH

Based on what I've read, it seems like coping with and treating narcism is going to be like climbing a mountain.  HOWEVER, I do not feel as though I want to defend my narcissistic traits. I feel like I have gotten this collection of issues as a result of a child's ignorance around how to succeed in life. That matured into accomplishing some things for myself in my 20s and, because I saw and thought my approaches were working, I doubled-down on them, despite diminishing returns and eventual fallout and loss of options. 

Oddly, I wonder if I pretend to be a narcissist (which really does sound like bullshit), but the point is that I was only preoccupied with fantasies as a coping mechanism. I don't really believe that I am destined for greatness anymore. Greatness may come, but not via destiny. 

All in all, I need to feel important about something - anything, and when I don't, I cave. Again, smh. 

I am intimately aware of the many many painful issues presented by this behavior and I want it to end!