Now What

Looks like, of all the BPD, ADHD, NPD symptoms, codependency is an issue? I just read the book, Codependency No More and I can see where if I just didn't need my hand held so much, I would be so much further along.

I feel like I have been trained to be a servant to a master that had a lot of harsh attributes.  It's like I'm institutionalized and just haven't been able to transition into normal adulthood.

Unfortunately, a big part of my ongoing narrative is ... "isn't that YOUR job?!"I think that's why I gravitate toward relationships where I feel a bit superior.  I also think it's why I have wanted to have an "immersive brand experience" with employers; why just the slightest retort is disabling; why I found femdom appealing. It's probably why I have tried to manipulate and control others in passive/aggressive fashion, and why I found executing without a recipe so tough.

Further complicating things is that more than one therapist has said that I might have PTSD; that my childhood was like a war zone of unpredictable threats.

My moods and my interpretations of my situations wildly swing from one extreme to the next. Either I am wonderful or a no-good piece of trash. I really suffer when I face set of unknowns about something significant (i.e. my job, my marriage, etc.).  I need someone to tell me that I'm ok  - or going to be - and when that doesn't happen, I fall apart. I am convinced  - probably due in major part to a lot of negative self-talk and seemingly never-ending exploration of my problems - that disasters, traps, depression are right around the corner. I think that I am in my core, a fundamentally flawed person.

It's like it's only a matter of time until I experience my doom.

My therapist reminds me that validation should come primarily from within. He also wishes that I would speak up for myself more. I hit a roadblock or sense a negative perception about me and I tell myself that I just have to accept it, vs. raising it as a topic of discussion with the appropriate person or people.

I need to make a conscious decision to radically change my life strategy from hiding and beating myself up to prioritize critical thinking, positive self-talk and assertiveness. That's how ,my real vision and problem/solving and critical thinking skills can develop.  I especially need to prioritize treating myself well and keeping a positive mood and for the moment, I'm willing to get there any old way I can.