in out

a couple of nights ago, i listened to a meditation tape that called for 'breathing in pain (mine and others') and breathing out compassion.

It was an AWESOME way to explain how to confront the previously unconfrontable. My whole life, I've been avoiding ANYthing that has to do with facing various issues, mostly havinig to do with taking personal responsibility for not thinking things through to their logical outcome. This is where the new behavior of doing the work of worry comes in, and that's very helpful.

Empathizing with others, then releasing it with compassion is a much more profound way of embracing enlightenment while also taking responsibility for follow-through. Breathe in pain. Breathe out compassion.

While I loved, loved, loved the tape, it also seared my brain and I had a very hard time not falling -ok, jumping - off the wagon. I spent a lot of time with porn vids.

It's very disapointing, and shows how far I have to go, still.

The next tape had two questions at the end of it. Something about what am I saying to God with my being. This popped into my head:

I dont know; I dont care; I'm alone.

also very dissapointing.

I'm eager to dig into this, despite the above. It represents an amazing set of growth opportunities on many levels.

I also find myself clinging to the idea that somewhere, somebody wants to fuck my brains out and deliver all of my sexual fantasies. It's bullshit, and a hold over from all that wasted time day dreaming online. It's especially bullshit, since I'm not willing to take any action whatsoever to make it reality.

Mediation is the best way forward. It's helped me a lot so far. I've been praying instead of fantasizing and I can really feel the difference in my self-talk. I want to pursue this and have an enlighted life.

Why do I want to get laid so badly??